refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

The view of what marriage means when it comes to having friends or hobbies on here makes me glad every single day that I’m not married.

I am part of a gym and my trainers text me about my step count, and sleep, and how much protein I’ve eaten. Some days after I’ve finished I’ll stop by the office and have a chat with whoever is there or with other people I’ve gotten to know. There’s talks about some Xmas drinks, and I’ll be there if there are.

Because it’s a group of people who share a hobby and encourage each other to keep going and improve themselves. Not once have I ever thought that any of them are texting me or talking to me because they are interesting in shagging me or vice versa.
The insecurity and binary view of what a relationship between a man and a woman can be is extremely childish. And I don’t even bloody like men a lot of the time!

@only90 keep going to the gym. Keep your social groups. If your husband doesn’t believe you despite repeated assurances, that’s now his problem to solve. The comments on how you dress are concerning and reek of control that will carry on if you give him an inch more now.

Why can't your husband come to the meal too? If it's mixed company then surely partners can join in.

I socialise with gym buddies and instructors a lot and have done for decades. gyms have always been a big part of my social life.

That being said - I think it's odd that a married instructor has personally invited a married client to such a small social event. IME any event like that is generally a general group invitation or if it's a smaller event it will be organised by a class member who might invite then invite the instructor along with other members.

I think you might be being naive OP. Just because you are both married it doesn't mean he isn't hitting on you.

Come off it FFS. You KNOW you wouldn't tolerate this if it was the other way around. YABVVVU. Your DH deserves better,

People who cheat generally will use the “don’t be so silly “ line, which is a big reason not to do that. It’s understandable to be a bit insecure when you appear to be developing a close friendship with another man. Why wouldn’t you just reassure your husband? Also, you might not have any interest in the gym instructor, but don’t be oblivious to the possibility that he may be interested in you.

I feel like the majority of the time men accuse their wives of cheating it's because they are guilty of their own behaviour. I would take a look into his activity, not saying he's cheated but I bet there are behaviours he wouldn't want you to see.

Case in point.

If roles were reversed and my DH went to the gym and it was a woman that these scenarios were with..I think I'd lose my mind. Although I'm sure some mumsnetters would say I'm insecure..maybe I am🤣 but I don't think it's wild he has these concerns given the scenarios.

Or maybe we’ve been around the block enough to not be so naive about why a young fit bloke is so invested in a young fit woman and her ‘step count’. I wonder if she was overweight Menopausal Mandy or Beerbelly Bob he’d be so keen to be Facebook friends and go out socialising?

I would not just dismiss your husband's feelings. Talk to him and try to understand why he feels insecure about it. How is your relationship at the moment? Is anything missing? Could your relationship have room for improvement?
He may just need reassurance. I wouldn't stop going, but talk to him and reassure him that you're not interested in gym guy because you love HIM and nobody else. Invite him to train with you or involve him - he might not want to but with the invitation he might feel better.

I had a similar issue with my DH recently, I felt very insecure about a female friendship. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be that person, stopping him from seeing a friend, or be controlling in any way. But he did notice my resentment towards the woman eventually and asked me about it.
I told him how I felt, and he didn't laugh at me or get pissed off, he just tried to understand my worries and the reasons behind them. He saw my perspective and reassured me there was nothing between them, explained away some of the things I was worried about, and basically assured me I'm his one and only.

I felt huge relief and it's never been an issue since then. Don't get me wrong, I still don't particularly like the friend - but I'm not worried any more!

I am friends with two personal trainers. Both around the 40ish mark, one single and, the other with many short relationships, both living their best lives.

I'm not saying all personal trainers are like that but, these two have always lived life in the fast lane and done what pleases them - both happy with their lifestyle choices. It's a profession that attracts guys who care about appearance and what others think about them which generally coincides with big ego's. They are used to flirting and socialising.

The big question I would be asking is whether your instructor is single. If he is then this is a red flag, if he does have a partner then this should be the reassurance your husband is looking for.

Only you can know the situation and what your thoughts and feelings are around it.

If reversed you would be called controlling and unreasonable. The problem is allow this one and the next one you say no to with hubby will be ten times worse. You stand your ground.

Your reaction to your husband voicing his feelings would lead me to believe it's not 100% innocent or at least heading that way.

I get where you're coming from but her husband joining isn't really the answer, she should be allowed her own hobby and friends related to that hobby without her husband there to keep an eye on her...me and my partner have different gyms and diff groups of gym friends, we used to train together but then I started preferring going by myself and it's both of our down time, if he started coming to my gym and out with my gym friends thus making it a 'couples activity' I'd be a bit suffocated tbh

I used to be a very regular gym goer, a few of us became pals doing the same classes each week and the instructor was friendly too. We went out for a drink or meal together at Christmas and also went to a few gigs etc There were men and women and it was all perfectly innocent. I’m still friends with most of them now years later. We were friends on Facebook and had each others numbers including the instructors.

your husband appears jealous. Invite him to join you at the meal. He can’t complain if he’s included

I see it as normal because I attend a small gym with group PT and small classes where instructors are expected to engage with the clients as part of the business model. I would not pay the higher fees that I do if I didn't value the personal touch and community. I could just go down Pure gym or the council if I didn't feel there was a valuable benefit

However a lot of people who haven't experienced this kind of set up do think it's weird and likely that includes OP's DH which explains his suspicions

I think the obvious solution is for him to join. It works for DH and I!

Would you really just invite your partner along to meal that doesn't include other partners? Would you sign up to an intense workout programme just to be comfortable your partner isn't engaging in an inappropriate friendship?

This is totally normal to me. I'm FB friends with most of the instructors at my gym. It's whole vibe is a friendly sociable place for everyone to feel comfortable in. I get regular messages from a female PT, female spin instructor and a male who provides sports massage and occasional ones from others. My husband belongs to the same gym and gets similar so no issues there but if he didn't belong, I wouldn't change anything as I love it there, value their support and feel 100% healthier and fitter. I hated the gym and exercise generally and finding this network has genuinely changed my life. I wouldn't give it up because my husband doesn't trust me.

OP, rather a lot of posters on MN have what I’d consider a fairly immature approach to relationships - romantic or otherwise. There’s a level of jealousy that’s more heightened than anything I’ve ever encountered in real life and an attitude towards mixed gender friendships that’s extremely juvenile. Their relationships sound exhausting.

I don’t see how you’ve done or are doing anything wrong. Everything you’ve described sounds perfectly normal.

Also, even if your husband is right and this guy does fancy you…so what? Unless he thinks you’re going to shag the first chap that asks, what is the issue?

I'm in a small private gym group. The PT asked to add me on social media when I joined. He likes us to post our workouts etc and tag him for publicity. I don't post photos because I never have my phone out in gym, but I do like and share his posts. We also have regular nights out, summer and Christmas for example but we have gone out for PT's significant birthday. Most communication takes place in group chat, but if it's about progress eg weight loss, or how my myriad injuries affect my training, the PT messages me privately. I don't think your interactions are odd, or a red flag.

But in answer to the original question I would say that the constant comments would irritate me and I'd tell DH that he either trusts me or doesn't. But if you value the marriage, I'd just make up an excuse about the meal and I wouldn't have my instructor on Facebook.

I think you are being a bit of an arse tbh. I cant imagine anyone being best pleased at their spouse striking up a new friendship with a gum instructor and going out for a meal together.

Do you value your marriage?

Honestly, all the people saying "if it were a man saying this..." . Who cares? Why are you all obsessed with men? It's not a man saying it, it's a woman. So what do you think? What do you think about this particular situation, the one the OP has described? We don't need to translate things into making a man the main character for a situation to make sense to us, women are people too and their situations are perfectly intelligible and apt for evaluation as they stand.

I haven’t said you’re not entitled to your opinion. I’ve asked why.

Do you think the fact that you, personally, have no desire to do something means said thing is odd?

And, to be clear, I’m specifically questioning why you feel that Going out for a meal with 5/6 people from the gym is weird for married people, but not for single people. Not ‘going and making friends with men’ (which is an interesting interpretation of OP’s post).

DH should join the the aerobics class and get the number of the 21 year old aerobics instructor that runs it and then organise to go out for a meal with her.

Shoe, foot.. no not that one, the other one..