refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

OP's situation is completely normal to the point of commonplace. Gym buddies have each other's numbers and go for a meal together, stop the press. Do people who find something "odd" in that not know how friendships work? Or are they the same people who think making any new opposite-sex friends once you're in a relationship is inherently odd?

I wouldn't pander to insecurity and jealousy. Men who showed any sign of this got dropped instantly. DP is DP precisely because he's never shown a hint of this and simply would not react in this way to anything similar.

YANBU. He needs to get a grip and so does anyone else who thinks you can't have friends just because you're married etc etc. Talk about ownership!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, really.

Socialising and becoming friends with people you were a hobby with is perfectly normal and people do it all the time - however I also think if this was a bloke texting his PT, socialising with her and adding her on social media, everyone would be saying to watch out and that it's the perfect set up for an affair.

Many moons ago I had a job in a gym and I have to say that some of the PT type sessions came across as being quite intimate at times and while it may not feel that way for the people involved, I can certainly see why people on the outside would be quite uncomfortable with the whole thing.

People.are always being told joining a gym or exercise group is a good way to meet people. It's not weird at all that there's a social aspect. Also not.weord instructor is following up, Facebook etc - it's all part of building relationships, keeping clients and getting recommendations for new clients.

I think a new mixed group of friends when you are married CAN be something that makes a partner feel insecure but that's on him, not you. I am not wild about the gang dh does a particular hobby with and it makes me insecure sometimes, but its my problem, not his. And it's all totally transparent and I absolutely could attend any and all social events if I wanted.

I think the gym set up and social stuff is normal. I have a PT and she regularly messages me and we do socials. But she’s female.

On the flip side I have a colleague who had a PT, her husband at the time had his suspicions. He’s now an ex husband and she lives and is engaged to the PT 😂 so I am on the fence.

If my DH felt so uncomfortable I would respect him a bit more - but my DH is literally never jealous and has never pulled a stunt like this.

The irony. 🤣 But that’s about the level of rational response I was expecting.

DH is being a control freak. He’s probably worried about you getting slimmer, having a group of new friends and leaving him behind in someway. You need to find some way of reassuring him. Can you invite him to the dinner? Because I don’t think the answer here is to tell him he’s just being silly.

It’s entirely reasonable for the instructor to have your number and connecting that way. Most of them do these days.

So she should be expected to be chaperoned everywhere she goes by her husband? Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

Because she’s entitled to a night out with her own friends. It’s not a date it’s a small group why share an interest.
If her dh was insecure about a work Christmas night out should he go to that too?

God you're so awkward 💤 I honestly couldn't care less what you think, but cheers for the input.

i go to a large gym. The aqua aerobics classes go for a meal every Christmas with the instructors. I’m really unsociable so I’ve never gone but I don’t think it’s odd. Other small groups of gym users definitely meet up separately too.

Again, I haven’t said your opinion is invalid. I asked why. You haven’t answered, you’ve just repeated yourself.

And I put some text in bold because I was quoting you. I’ll do it again. Yes I clearly think it's odd if I wouldn't do it.

That’s a very strange attitude. I wouldn’t skydive/learn Japanese/watch reality television - that doesn’t make those things odd. It just means they don’t appeal to me, personally.

If you think anything that you wouldn’t personally do is ‘weird’, then I think you have a very odd and blinkered approach to life. That’s my opinion, as we’re sharing them.

Yes I clearly think it's odd if I wouldn't do it, which is a valid opinion, which is what I am giving because that's what we do on MN.

I specifically think going for a meal with 5/6 people at the gym is odd as a married woman, because a) I wouldnt feel the need to go for meals with men I've met at the gym because I wouldn't make that kind of friendship at the gym, and b) as a single woman it would feel totally normal if I was interested in one of the men so would happily tag along to something like this in the hopes it would lead to more.

No amount of your questioning or putting things in bold will make me change my mind on something I'd find odd. I'd find the exact same scenario with a married man doing the same with woman at the gym odd.

The only thing which could be 'wrong' here is that he has your number, but if you've originally booked him for PT then of course he will have your number.

Gym classes and regulars often go out with the instructors as a group at Xmas time. It's a form of socialising outside of the gym. No problem

Adding on social media is often encouraged by someone who is in that industry, a way of advertising and business. Of course it's normal for friendships to develop

Dressing up for the gym - absolutely in DHs head as you've already addressed

Im guessing DH is not into fitness himself so is feeling a little insecure? It's really frustrating when you find something you love but DH gets jealous. I'd just reiterate he is being ridiculous to him and try to get him to address his own insecurities

All these PPs saying DH should go to the Xmas meal Great idea if you want the rest of the class to make a project of helping OP to get away from her controlling husband!

If you'd welcome help to get away from your controlling husband, OP, take their advice. Otherwise, don't. If he's that anxious about What You Get Up To with these people, he can join the gym and see for himself.

It seems perfectly fine and normal to me. I think this is your husband’s problem, not yours.
Even if the gym guy did fancy you, it doesn’t mean you’re going to reciprocate. Unless he has very good a reason not to, your husband should trust you and respect your right to have your own interests and social life independent of him.

Maybe you can double date? All four of you, you and your husband, and the gym instructor and his spouse. You can all get to know each other more. It will be fun!

I don't think its weird that a group with a shared interest go out for a christmas meal. It happens at my gym. I also don't think its weird that he added you on FB. Friendships develop when you train together regularly. I see my PT more regularly than I do most of my friends / extended family!

I have his number but we only talk on text about arranging sessions or occasionally he'll ask me how my eatings going etc, but that was more so in the beginning. We don't talk over text but we do have a good old chat in person every session and I count him as a friend by this point (I see him twice a week for nearly 2 years - of course you will develop a friendship of sorts when seeing people regularly). I am also in the best shape of my life!

You live your life. DH needs to trust you.

I didn't say that. I'm married because my husband is my best friend. He doesn't come with me to all my hobbies because he doesn't share all the same hobbies and vice versa. He's playing pool tonight, I have no interest whatsoever in pool. I'm going to a pottery painting class on Saturday with my bestie, he has no interest in pottery painting. However, if either of us was meeting up with a mixed group of friends from a hobby the other one didn't take part in, we'd bring the other too because whilst I don't like pool and he doesn't like pottery, we both like dinner.

This is pretty much the relationship I have with my female PT!

Am I right in assuming that you and your DP have quite different approaches towards health and fitness?

I was going to do with YABU until I realised I had my PTs number, used text messages to arrange and also followed each other on SM 😂. I'll u clutch my own pearls, thank you very much.

Yabu. You wouldn’t like it the other way round.

And the suggestion that if you dare insist on socialising with new people, your partner should come along to supervise and confirm you are not up to something, would be called coercive control under any other circumstances.

@only90 does DP understand he has irrational insecurities that stem from previous experiences in relationships or growing up and accept that he needs to work on himself rather than asking you to continuously change how you dress, act and whom you interact with to appease him for another 50+ years?

My gym instructor (female) added me on socials and WhatsApp and she eventually built up a rapport where I booked her as a PT for one to one work.

A group of us that were regularly at the gym together (men and women) occasionally met up outside the gym for walks, meals etc.

if you would be perfectly happy with the way this person has behaved towards you and if they were male or female you wouldn’t act any differently- then you are not the issue.

Yes it’s a pity that’s how he feels but these are all his unbased insecurities that he’s pushing on you.

I have insecurities. I know what they are. And when they are triggered I will take a moment (sometimes after the event) and work through them and generally apologise to my partner as I know my reaction and behaviour was based on my feelings and his words or behaviour past and present didn’t warrant whatever my reaction was.

He will message you and FB add you because you are where his money comes from, just as with all the other members, he would do the same to me as a very fat 53yr old. He wants you to keep coming to the gym and paying your money.

Your DH is a bit dim if he doesn't realise this !