refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

Yes but the invite is from the instructor. It implies that the others are not from the class but the gym. There is a huge difference in going out with the class or going out with the instructor and his pals

So why are you asking what if it were a man? If it's true of all humans, then it's true of women, and there's no need to ask.

Hmmmm ... because emotional unfaithfulness is true for all humans?

But he's not a woman....

WhatsApp would be normal? FB a lot more personal...

Entirely correct IMHO... oh i'm just meeting this girl, texting her, becoming SM friends.. Seriously, is it worth it for a (supposedly) marginal 'friend'?

Agreed. Heaven forbid a woman should seek to improve her life and enlist the help of others / socialise / build a support network of her own.

@Over40Overdating
i couldn’t have put it better myself.
I used to go to a circuits class, it was very social and friendly with lots of stuff organised outwith the class.
I’m gobsmacked at some of the replies on here

Many affairs start off innocently, with two people simply spending time together. It does sound like the PT is pursuing you a bit. Better to choose now between him and your partner than further down the line…

Personal trainers are notorious for this, it's like the regular person's Strictly Come Dancing in that it's probably surprising how often people end up sleeping together.

Two people, together regularly, very little clothing, getting sweaty, fit/muscular...

I know it doesn't HAVE to happen, but I go to the gym every day and you see the looks on the trainers faces, unnecessary hands-on 'checking your posture is correct' stuff. Our next door neighbour (30ish woman) was smitten with her personal trainer and he'd regularly give her lifts home despite having a partner, and yet I'd see him giving the same treatment to many other women on her off days.

The people crying 'reverse' are probably only saying it to ensure their comment is gender-appropriate. If it's a man writing this about his wife, he's controlling. If it's a woman, it's not a problem at all.

I'm not saying to stop, but keep it professional. Show up, work out, go home. No dinner, and certainly no FB, that's crossing a line.

Yes OP, please invite your husband along to all social activities he isn’t involved in, so everyone gets the message that you are married and shouldn’t be spoken to beyond formal pleasantries lest your husband feel slighted.

Make sure you wear only baggy clothes to the gym so you can’t be accused of flaunting your body to the men around you and upset your husband.

And absolutely cool off any and all friendships with men from now on. Icy politeness only to show you belong to your husband and respect him. Don’t worry that it will be clear he has zero respect for you.

Friends are for single people only so they might find a partner and never have to have friends again.

Married women need only a husband as a friend.

There is a world of difference between maintaining hobbies and social life as an individual and engaging in behaviour that will lead to an affair. Most affairs start at work - should all married women be told to walk around their work place eyes averted, no chat and no work events in case of affairs?

The problem here is an insecure, jealous husband wanting to curtail his wife’s hobbies and social life, yet we have people saying it’s OP who needs to be more respectful and change her behaviour.

So if she gives up speaking to her trainer and declines socials events and wears different clothes and he still has a problem, what next? Stop going? Stop leaving the house unless it’s to husband mandated safe locations and people?

I didn’t realise when the clocks went back, so did attitudes to women being fully fledged humans outside of their relationships.

Sounds very normal for this type of gym. My partner goes to one of these types of gym and they make such an effort to involve people that even I’m invited to their Christmas party despite not being a member! (I wouldn’t expect to be but they have met me at various fitness events I have attended with my partner).

I really wouldn’t think anything of this. Him
adding you on SM is basically “business development” for him - happy clients are return clients and the gym wants to keep their regular members.

Could your partner attend a class with you so he can see for himself there’s nothing going on? He just needs to trust you and get over it. He’s probably just a bit insecure because this PT is (probably) in great shape.

I think it’s weird to have an employee from the gym as a Facebook friend or to text them regularly. It would be different if it was a PT and you followed his professional PT page and you messaged about booking sessions. This sounds more friendship than professional relationship, and it seems like he’s doing the chasing, which feels a bit odd.

The meal out with a group of friends from the gym sounds completely fine. Lots of sport and hobby groups do this at Christmas. It’s only slightly weird because gym instructor guy who is a little bit pushing the professional boundaries is going. Just stick with other friends, not just him, and don’t get stuck just with him anywhere in case he tries something. I’d probably cool the friendship though back to just professional stuff.

Your DH is being weird. You're socialising with the people you met at your hobby, it's not really relevant that one of them is a man. I have a hobby I do twice a month with a mixed group - one of them has the same music taste as me so we've been to a few gigs together and if DH was insecure enough to be upset about that he would get told to mind his own business.

It's right there in the OP that they're going out as a group of 5/6 people:

To look at it in a different way rather rhan focusing on your DH, ask yourself why this instructor is adding you on SM and inviting you out. If he's not treating all his class members the same he's doing it because it's you

I believe you when you say nothing is happening but it’s the sort of scenario where affairs start. If that man starts to msg anything more than about the gym be aware. In my experience some men who become friends have other plans. Who here has had a male friend hit on them at some point? I have a lot of male friends as worked in an environment that was male dominated. Have had three male mates then declare feelings, including one when I was married. Reciprocated once by me, both single at the time, married to him for 25 years now.

I had this exact same relationship with my gym instructor. Friends on Facebook, they had my telephone number and organised a Christmas night out. I don't see anything strange about it.
My instructor was a female, but I don't see why that should matter when to me it's a normal instructor/client relationship 🤷‍♀️

For whatever reason, your dh is feeling insecure about this other man. Surely it’s reasonable to talk to your dh, get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does and offer some reassurance. I don’t think that would be pandering to him, it would be showing that you value your relationship and want your dh to feel secure. I think we all want that for our relationships.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread.

Is there a chance you might have mentionitis OP?

When a woman posts here about her partner having mentionitis about another woman, and it's coupled with them texting and then going out socialising in the evening with the mentionee, it's firmly in the - you are not being unreasonable to be worried camp.

Have you wandered into being unreasonable by accident? I would want to reassure my DH. Invite him along to the meal and make an effort to show him everything is innocent.

I go to a small independent gym, not PT, classes and my instructor regularly messages me to see how I'm getting on, if I need anything.

Also invites me to any events, Christmas nights out, brunches in the summer.

With a small gym often comes a community feeling so no I don't think its weird.

My instructor is a woman but wouldn't make a difference if it was a man.

Would your DH have the same opinion if he was a woman?

I bet he wouldn't.

If she doesn't want him there, fair enough, but why? If she doesn't enjoy his company, he's right to feel insecure.

Anyone who is insecure because their partner socialises without them needs to get a bloody grip of themselves, quite frankly.

I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy his company but I'm also my own person with my own friendships and interests and DH doesn't need to be a part of that, just as I don't need to be involved with his hobbies or his mates.

I always feel like I have to go to work events to show a bit of willing.
I'd rather be doing something with my husband.
I find it weird to keep your "friends" and "spouse" separated, as though your husband is not your friend.

If she doesn't want him there, fair enough, but why? If she doesn't enjoy his company, he's right to feel insecure.

Given than the OP hasn't in any way suggested she is attracted to her gym instructor, I don't think posters following up with "I know a woman who left her husband for her PT" stories are being helpful - it's just stirring. And it's this old trope that her DH is probably falling for - maybe his mates are teasing him about it?

There are a lot of small boutique gyms where I live and it's pretty common for people to meet and form friendships and socialise outside the gym. As you would in work, or any other hobby.

Socialising and becoming friends with people you were a hobby with is perfectly normal and people do it all the time - however I also think if this was a bloke texting his PT, socialising with her and adding her on social media, everyone would be saying to watch out and that it's the perfect set up for an affair.

Everyone one here says "watch out, it's a perfect set up for an affair" about literally every innocuous interaction with other women though.