refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

It makes me think of that TV show on channel four with her from This is England - is it Vicky McLure/McClune? and that is exactly what he did. He said she was getting dressed up for the gym and she was in leggings and a sports top!! of course he then escalated into a proper knob end.

Having a conversation about his insecurities would be having consideration for his feelings imo - just blinding letting him be a cock and doing as your told for fear he's upset is not!

And why would your husband HAVE TO come on a night out with you?? .. That's so bizarre to me .. he doesn't know these people .. he's not part of the group .. it's weird and sounds controlling and almost like he has to be there to prove you are innocent .. fuck that!!

Man, this comment thread has really riled me haha

@Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice it’s so much worse than the OP as OP knows her DP is being a dick.

Having consideration for your partner’s feelings is so far removed from pandering to controlling, jealous behaviour yet so many posts are telling OP she is at fault.

If any of my friends spoke like this about their relationships, I’d be seriously concerned for them, male or female. As soon as the comments on clothes or friends start, it’s a slippery slope. And some people seem to jump headfirst down it.

Thank you! I thought I was going mad when I read that bit. In fact, I think, I got more mad at that than the original post.

There aren’t many posts on here that make me think WTF anymore but this
but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him.

did. No, OP does not have to change how she dresses, who she socialises with or take on board what her husband says purely because she is married. If you are genuine @laraitopbanana I feel very sorry that you think this is a reasonable way to live your own life much less advise it to other women as ‘what you have to do’.

What’s rude is insecure controlling men not being able to handle their own emotions and expecting their wives to shrink themselves instead.

Gosh I must be in the weird minority. Maybe I’m naive. I just see folk as human beings. Some have a dick, some have tits, some are in between, some are gay, bi and everything else. I either click with them or I don’t. It has been pointed out to me that this might be an ADHD trait. I dunno, I’ve never taken the test. Maybe it is.

Hi op,

I think the real question is why do you carry on these small things if it upsets your dh? It would have helped greatly to secure him feeling that you care for him above the “small things” you mentioned as such.
Obviously you can’t change number but you can not respond? Maybe tone down a bit how you dress for sport? Just generally speaking…listen to how he feels? If the changes asked are not unreasonable then why not?

I get it is your social bit but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him. You would probably not appreciate a female colleague invite him but skip you under the cover of a job dinner. Or if it wouldn’t bother you…again…why?

Good luck 🌺

I have the exact same set up at my gym - small gym, personal trainer, friends on facebook, but my PT is a woman so my husband does not have any issue etc..

She messages me asking how my training is going and is very invested in my fitness journey. I consider her a friend and talk about family etc.

I think your situation it is exactly the same as mine, unless you knowingly know it isn't. My husband is not a bit jealous of this relationship I have with my PT

As others have said if this was reversed it would be all he's a cheat and what not.

However imo he's insecure and you need to talk to him about it, reasure him as best yiu can but draw the line. Now this could possibly open up something else and cause an argument/resement/guilt so be prepared for that. Some people can't see the forest for the trees and when you highlight it they get very defensive and lash out.

You can be friends with whomever you wnat and your entitled to a life. I wouldn't take my husband with me for the dinner, it would feel like I was being watched/chaperoned and that's not for me.

I don’t think it’s weird if there’s no sort of flirty atmosphere between you and you both have your own partners. If it’s such an issue can your husband attend with you?

TKe your husband with you to the dinner.

don’t ignore his insecurities. I was paranoid about a woman my husband worked with from day one. He told me not to be silly. Three years on and they were cheating together.

if you value your marriage don’t get in situations that could weaken it.

My gym friends and I go for a Christmas drink and meal together and invite the PTs, nothing wrong with this at all! We don’t socialise the rest if the year, just chat at the gym.

Is he you personal trainer? i.e spending fortunes a week for him!! then of course he needs your number! Or a class group of females that are doing the same programme? If not then I would be annoyed as a DH … in the meantime sounds like you’re happy and having a great time x

If the leotard were on the other body the mums would already be advising you to drop your OH as is was clear he was planing to leave you and start a family as soon as he had met his gym targets. There is simply no way you can pretend it does not look weird and totally unacceptable if you apply the same logic your female compadres do towards men. My wife and I both have lives outside our own relationship with only a few close, shared friends. Do what you want, reassure him it is him you care for but remind him that none of your vows included anything about not ever having anything to do with the opposite sex. I find women make loyal, true and lasting friends if they can just avoid a jealous partner. Good luck OP.

And it was the aforementioned Gym Instructor who invited her!

Hmmm! I can see his point. I wouldn’t be entirely relaxed about my DH receiving texts and texting a woman from a gym if I didn’t know her, or him going out to dinner with her even if I was told that others would be there.

Why do you see it as pandering to him instead of respecting his feelings?

Would you be happy if it was the other way round and he had a female lead ?

If he doesn't feel comfortable, surely in a marriage, it's about listening to each other and coming to a compromise.

Seems you're OK to keep your gym lead happy but not ao much your husband.

Someone expressing a dislike to particular friendships, isn't always about control.
Either of you should be able to say look, I know it's probably nothing, but I don't feel comfortable with you doing xyz, and the other listening instead of saying, well, I'm doing it anyway.

Your husband has expressed that he is uncomfortable with the amount of interaction you have with the instructor. If you respected your husband you wouldn’t even question it and drop the communication.

You said yourself he doesn't need your phone number, so he shouldn't have it, it's unprofessional as far as I am concerned. One of my ex's friends, ended up getting a very expensive divorce after finding out that his wife was cheating on him with her fitness instructor.

Is DH usually jealous? Or is it just this guy?

Has this trainer added all the class or just you? Is the Christmas invite for just the instructors and you? Because if that's the case it's weird and your DH is not being unreasonable

Your health relies on this? Can't DH see this?
I've gone out for coffee with my yoga teacher and yoga friends..perhaps also suggest to hubby you'll meet other class members including women, who might be able to help your gym motivation which leads to better health for you.

Nothing weir with going out with member of gym class and instructor. We do a Christmas dinner every year with my gym class. It is nice to see people outside the normal class setting

I'm a member of a similar set up. Our gym tries to organise some sort of social event every couple of months and a regular coffee meet up once a week. It's not unusual to socialise with people of a similar mindset.
I'd assure him that it's all platonic but ultimately you get to pick your own friends.

Exactly this

YANBU. I attend a gym, we have a facebook group, WhatsApp group and have arranged to go for Christmas meal with our PT . Everyone is friendly and I love the social aspect of it all. As long as you aren’t hiding anything from your husband, which from what you have posted, you have not then I see no issues at all. Could your husband join you in a few sessions just to put his mind at rest?

your husband is being an insecure tool.