refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

'Would be controlling'! I've come to the conclusion that most people on this site just do not have any time for men.

He's allowed to express his concerns if he thinks it's all a bit weird. There is probably more to it than is written here. What is the husband supposed to do? Say nothing and hope he's wrong, or say nothing and it turns out he was right?

I've never done it, but I can't see why not. Why would it ever be a problem to socialise with people from the gym?

Wow, amazed at some of these responses. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Relationships are built on trust and if you can’t trust your partner then there’s no point being in a relationship.

OP if you’re 100% certain you don’t fancy the gym instructor and never will, then I would just keep reassuring your husband of that fact, but continue to go to the gym wearing whatever you want, and going on the night out etc.
However, be completely honest with yourself and ask if there’s any part of you that might fancy him. If he expressed interest in you, would you respond ? If there’s a danger of starting an affair then I’d quit the gym.

I wouldn't ignore them as I can see many women having issues if it was the other way round. Him at a small gym,with a lady instructor, adding her on FB, texting her, going out for a meal with her and 3 others from the gym and then after mentioning her issues to him was told to grow up and ignored. I know many who would tell them to take a hike. In a relationship you need to take issues seriously. Address them properly. Don't allow him to dictate how you dress, where you go or what you do but this meal thing see if everyone can take their other halves. Tell him his jealousy is unfounded and reassure him. If the shoe was on the other foot people would be telling you to leave for him not reassuring you and going for a meal at Christmas without you and with a gym instructor at a time meant for family

I'm with your DH.

Has he been cheated on in the past? If not I'd be starting to wonder if he's the one with a guilty conscience and is assuming because he's cheating that you also are.

This is all perfectly normal in a lot of gyms. My ex used to work in a gym and as it was a small one everyone knew everyone, had them on Facebook, contacted them outside of gym time and quite often had drinks, Christmas parties etc. and no everyone wasn’t at it with everyone else.
sounds very jealous to me. If he trusts you there shouldn’t be an issue. Is he maybe seeing you looking better and is worried someone is going to hit on you?

In the way that women have a gut feeling about other women around their partners/husband, men have the same. And the majority of men you meet will tell you that they know far too many untrustworthy men so he probably has a reason to be wary.
Plus im sure I read somewhere that PTs are one of the professions most likely to have an affair so 🤷‍♀️

Be totally honest - do you fancy him? DH will have picked up on this.

After work “Drinks”. Missed a word!

hmmm…

you have been in controlling relationships…Please don’t copy paste your experience onto what I say. You massively overreact because you have been hurt/ are afraid of being hurt again. That is no reason to cry Woolf because her dh has insecurities.

And yes. Not inviting your long term partner/husband at an event is rude. After work, no. After work out, no. Special event/party, yeap, it massively is. Of course I only post how I feel so it doesn’t have to be the same than you.

Good evening 🌺

Hi :)

yeap, I am pretty sure I would always advise to hear out your partner. If you heard “obey blindly” then it is really on you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good evening 🌺

It depends some women don't like it when their men are even in the same room as woman let alone speaking to one

So much surrendered wives stuff on here. Dear God!

But did you friend members on your personal FB page and did you regulary text particular members for no particular reason?

I get it is your social bit but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him. You would probably not appreciate a female colleague invite him but skip you under the cover of a job dinner. Or if it wouldn’t bother you…again…why?

Because it's okay for married couples to socialise separately sometimes.

All these PPs saying DH should go to the Xmas meal. Great idea if you want the rest of the class to make a project of helping OP to get away from her controlling husband!

This! Imagine bringing your husband along to a social hobby event because he is insecure. Gip! I worked with a woman who did this - brought her husband along to after work drinks every Friday. Completely killed it off.

I still do and it’s the same. I’m going out with a group next weekend.

I used to coach at a gym and I had most of the members numbers. They were all members of our FB group. And we regularly arranged group nights out.

I’d instantly lose respect for any partner feeling uncomfortable at the way I choose to conduct my social life, so…no

Nothing you’ve done is weird or wrong OP (and yes I’d say the same if the genders were reversed). I’ve no idea how so many people even know who their spouses are talking to on social media or texting, it’s not my business what my partner’s doing on his phone or his business what I’m doing on mine. We’ve chosen to trust each other and that means freedom to pursue whatever friendships we want. My DP is in a group where he’s struck up a friendship with a woman (who has a partner too) from the group, sometimes they go for drinks and they’ve all arranged a meal together. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to think I should be invited or to worry about him talking to her. I wouldn’t be entertaining any concerns or insecurities of this nature. It would be a huge red flag of control to me and make me question my relationship, not the friendship.

I go to work dos to show willing as well as does dh. I also prefer to spend time with dh over other people. But it also doesn’t mean I never choose to spend time with other people without him and vice versa. I am not an extension of my husband and have had friends longer than I’ve had him and he absolutely does change the dynamic.
it is also incredibly odd to be the only person in a social group that turns up with a spouse to events if that is not the format of the event and tbh if someone was always bringing their partner when the rest weren’t it would ring alarm bells for me. We are all entitled to our own space and social lives outside of our marriages.

Feels like "just be nice" to me .. its giving me the bowk if i'm honest.

Maybe its all the politic stuff from the past few weeks as well as past memories .. he could of course just be mooning and not even realise how he's acting.

Eugh - I need a Bob's Burgers break lol

@Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice yup, me too.

I’ve been in controlling relationships and this is pinging a lot of red lights. Bringing your partner to an event so ‘it’s not rude to him’ or so you can prove it’s all innocent is not something anyone in a healthy, respectful relationship does.

I think what PPs mean when they used respect in context of OP’s husband is ‘deference’ - totally different.