refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

Some people invited him and then he invited OP, or OP was part of the invited group, makes a huge difference here. If it's the first scenario then yeah it's weird and you're being wilfully blind.

I've finally come to the conclusion why there are so many divorced couples and single parents.

Everyone is so self centred. It's not pandering to him, he's your husband. Has he always been like this or have you suddenly started dressing up for the gym?

I don’t see anything wrong with this. It would be very weird for your DH to tag along on the Christmas dinner. Really odd.

You are allowed a life and friends without your DH. Either he trust you aloe he doesn’t. It’s not hp to you to make your life small so he is comfortable.

Idk I've been going to the same gym for years and I don't have anyone's number, FB or socials. I go to the class, do the things, go home. I thought that's how gym works.

I understand that to you it's ridiculous but this is a closer relationship than what seems "usual". I'd try a double dissolution technique: ask your partner to join you at the gym or the dinner? And, cool it down with texting. Even if you think you don't do it that much, then where's the harm if you don't always reply?

Could you find a hobby with your hubby perhaps, like jogging/walking, climbing, something that you could share?

People might flame me for this but small insecurities can't be cured through ignoring or blaming the insecure party - they need to be addressed one way or another. Small assurances could work. Therapy would be the best but would be go?

I used to go to a small gym that had a Christmas meal. Can’t see any problem with that. Was friends with the gym on Facebook but not the actual guy, and was on a small WhatsApp group with him other members (about 7). Defo didn’t message directly, I would find that an invasion of my personal life. Boundaries!

Whole scenario sounds entirely normal and exactly the situation I’ve been in. Boot camp, group friendships made, Facebook/insta add and messaging. He was a nutritionist as so helpful. So much so my husband ended up working with him as a client too!

is your husband feeling insecure about his own appearance? Maybe he sees you making improvements and is jealous?

I think my hubby might feel the same until he got to know the person. I think I might feel as though my nose is out of joint also.
Can you ask your hubby to meet you after the dinner?
I don't think it would be right to ignore his feelings, maybe help him understand there's nothing going on, he's Kinley to know this anyway and it's his mind playing tricks. I don't think it will take much to put this right.
I do think Facebook contacts and mobile contact is normal tbf.

I wouldn't like my hubby to be dismissive of my feelings regarding a friendship with someone of the opposite sex xx

I used to go to Curves gym (women only) and we had a Christmas dinner out in 2008 in a hotel restaurant. Doesnt sound strange to me. We all managed not to make it more than a Christmas night out

I'm not married and don't go to the gym so I'm probably under qualified to answer but I'll give my tuppence worth anyway.

Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for the pt to add yous all to a group chat rather than messaging you specifically? Any concerns could be posted there for others to give advice, u could suggest this, a WhatsApp gym chat.
Could you suggested to the group about inviting partners to the night out?

A partner doesn't dictate who u are friends with but I can see his concerns as it's rather a lot of contact (in his eyes)

AND

Has your gym outfits changed lately, are u "dressing up"? Just asking!

I think your being unreasonable and should think about how it all makes your husband feel some people are insecure he's your husband

Re the Christmas outing: are "people from the gym" clients or staff or both? Did the instructor invite OP only or several of the class regulars? Is his wife going to be there? If OP is thinking of going to a staff Christmas event as the instructor's +1 then I'm not surprised DH smells a rat. If it's just the gym class undoing some of the good work then no problem...

I don't really understand the problem he's having.

I pay for a running coach (female) and there is a lot of back and forth between us about running related stuff. She checks in on me every now and again to make sure I'm feeling ok, I message her if I need to know something or we can message through the app where my runs get uploaded to. It would be exactly the same if she were male.

She also coaches other people and we are all part of a group (although it is very big) A lot of them get together once or twice a week for runs and I'm sure that as a result other people in the group have swapped numbers with each other and text to see how they are getting on. I have a (female) friend who is also a runner with the same coach and we are always messaging each other to ask how the other is getting on with everything.

There is also a group Christmas run and meal which I'm not going to because I don't know anybody else but if it were a smaller group and I met these people quite regularly I would definitely go but I wouldn't be taking my husband if nobody else was taking theirs. It's like a works event, a lot of mine have just been work people and no other halves so even if I wanted to take my husband I wouldn't be allowed to.

This sounds similar to my gym in many ways. My PT have become really close friends with- we are friends on fb and will often message outside of sessions- some training related some not. Does it make a difference that my PT is also female? I don’t think it should…

sounds like husband has insecurities- is he also into fitness etc? I wouldn’t tolerate a partner dictating what I do! But maybe that’s why am single…

My partner would be Insecure too if I gave my number to a female gym instructor. I would perhaps invite my partner to the meal though. That would be a good compromise.

I attend classes and if any of the group arrange a night out it's discussed between us at the gym and also in a What's App group set up to include everyone. It certainly seems that your instructor is singling you out and you may, unconsciously or otherwise, be enjoying the attention and feeling a bit flattered. Be honest, would you like it if a female instructor did the same with your DH?

Has your PT added everyone on FB? txts everyone? if not I'd say he's edging in for more than friendship.

Yep my cousins wife has just done this very thing! Small cosy gym, all socialising together, constant photos on SM of the gym, outfits, working out.
I can see why he might be a bit concerned. Why did the instructor invite you why not the other class goers.
I would just reassure him that you are not interested and if you get a hint of anything untoward from your instructor you will be putting him straight!

I don't think your husband is being insecure every man would have the same thoughts, only those who are under the thumb wouldnt due to being told what to think by the sfs .Your husband's boundaries are clearly being crossed and he's verbalising this to you but your dismissing them. Think women need to remember men know men and their intentions the same way women can be more intuitive and understanding of female intentions. There's no need for him to be adding you on fb, to be contacting you via the phone or inviting you to dinner, mental how you can't see that as disrespectful to your partner it's only the gym it should remain that . I'm pretty sure if it where him with a female then for him to ignore you you'd be feeling crappy , or maybe I'm missing the point being from different country I'm assuming .

If she gave his number to a woman, then she invited him out for meals, that would be ok

DH = Dear Husband

What/who is DH? I don't understand the abbreviation? 🙂

Is it CrossFit? Random gym goers going for a meal would be unusual, but CrossFit is a lot different. My primary friend group is all other gym goers. Not CrossFit, but similar mindset.

I think there's a scenario where you go 'hey, I want you to communicate your insecurities and I will listen and reassure you' but you don't change what you're doing since you aren't doing anything wrong.

However, I would probably check his phone tbh. In a depressingly high number of situations, people project their fears about cheating onto their partner because it's what they're already doing/attempting to do.

You can't just pull trust from your arse in the beginning and expect it to remain the same throughout the relationship.

People change and grow or stagnate, they stop sharing the same ideas or interests. Trust needs taking out of the box once in a while and having the dust blown off and some work done on it.

When a partner of any sex says they are feeling unsettled its not enough to say you should trust me every single time without putting any effort into it and at least hearing them out and adding your own views. It warrents a discussion about what feels different. Relationships need constant work and trust is a massive portion of that work, it's not something you are just entitled to without some effort on both partners parts.

The OP disappeared on day one of this thread but it's got some interesting opinions on it.

Take your other half with you to meal. He gets to know him and it will prove you have nothing to hide.

Mumsnet is a tad bit funny with opinions on these matters . If this situation was reversed and the OP was the one in DH’s position , the comments would be to burn him at the stake pretty much . It’s a little reckless to advise OP to disregard DH’s concerns because if roles reversed , this would be point number 1 “HE SHOULDNT BE IGNORING YOUR CONCERNS”