AIBU to think you can't say anything anymore incase you offend someone?

You asked a loaded question which could have stopped at "did you go away?". Not sure why you mentioned just mum not getting the week off "like you" as it would count on both DP and I being off to go away together (and I imagine lots of families will be the same).

Don't know what else to say except that sadly I may have to ask my youngest to ask there friends to wait outside or physically leave the room in my own home until they leave for school in fear of saying the wrong thing from what started as polite conversation.

aw- there goes teddy in the corner.
there are countless posts saying "yes, you can say 'did you have a nice term?' and leave it at that" but you are determined that we are all mean girls being mean.

people used to say that to my primary aged DCs all the freaking time. We're not in UK and many many many mothers of children that age are either SAHM or work only restricted hours.

It was code for "your mum is an awful woman who neglects you" (in reality: i like working and earning money to keep our family in nice things like homes and food)

But i knew they thought that because they often said, pityingly, to me "oh do you have to work so much?"

Yes, I admit it used to annoy me when people asked me or DC whether we were going away. No - I’m an HE lecturer and half terms don’t exist. When I was 0.6 we managed twice to get a long weekend when my timetable allowed - but most years it didn’t. We have never been able to take a week’s holiday in October, February or May.

I thought the point of small talk was a brief filler.
Depending on the answers, any of these could be extended to conversation.

Small answers.

Hello, how are you? Fine
Nice weather/cold today, etc. Mmm
Nice hat/coat/shoes/bag thank you
Have you seen XYZ on TV/listened to XYZ on the radio? No
Have you read any books you'd recommend lately? No
That's a lovely dog/cat/hamster/child thank you
Did you manage to get away for half term/summer? No

So, that's the first fifteen seconds sorted. Can I go now?

I think this is why Trump is popular- he calls it as he sees it (albeit extremely) but yes you can't say anything these days.

What is it with the "can't make small talk" brigade?

Small talk:
Hello, how are you?
Nice weather/cold today, etc.
Nice hat/coat/shoes/bag
Have you seen XYZ on TV/listened to XYZ on the radio?
Have you read any books you'd recommend lately?
That's a lovely dog/cat/hamster/child
Did you manage to get away for half term/summer?

Plenty of ways to develop conversation from there.

Not small talk:
How much did you pay for this?
Why didn't you go away in the holidays?
Why do you talk/walk/stand funny?
Are you the grandparent/mother/father?
Are you pregnant?

Nobody is saying don't talk to people, but just to think about what you say and how it might sound.

You're fine.
Your children are just being normal children feeling totally embarrassed about everything their parents do. There's nothing wrong with what you did and it's fine to ask people questions about half term.

Even if it was offensive (which it wasn't) people don't have the right to not be offended if they are offended by something that is perfectly normal like day-to-day conversation.

I understand you were trying to make small talk and there was no ill intent, but the way you worded it, it does sound abit odd and not really small talk.

I would just keep to lighter topics next time!

Your posts suggest the question was very much loaded (and intentionally so).

Weird question to ask a child in the first place and as to your thread, get a grip.

mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me?

Is this what you actually said??
If you did then I would be thinking WTH is wrong with you. Do you not see how bloody inquisitive and ignorant you came across?

Why would her mum get the week off like you or make such an assumption? Honestly, some people.

I think you need to seperate gathering of information you feel necessary for safety from making conversation with a child to put them at ease in your home. If you feel safer knowing certain things before allowing your child to visit a home, you need to be direct and reach out to the parent with your (relevent) requests for information. Could we exchange contact numbers? What are the plans for DC visit? Etc. If you are worried that red flags are being missed if we can't question other people's children, then you shouldn't. If you make a child feel sufficiently at ease to share what they choose, you are far more likely to pick these up than be asking them direct questions, which make people feel pressured and close down. This may be especially the case for a child where there are things 'to hide' in the home. No one is saying don't have social interaction with other people, just offering advice on a way to do it that doesn't intrude.

Somewhat of an over reaction. It's not your intention that is important it's the child's perception. I worked with children for decades and would never ask that kind of question unless I actually needed to know.

Op, all that happened is a child wasn't very talkative with you, and your kids were self conscious about their mum talking to their friend. Surely this is isn't an unusual occurrence? I work with and am parent to teenagers and they look at me like I've said something ridiculous daily. When has anyone even said the child was actually offended or upset?

People are just suggesting possible reasons the child might have struggled to answer, or your kids may have objected, not saying you did actually have an agenda. They are just discussing because you made it a big deal by posting about it and you seemed to be questioning what you said wrong. They are not saying you should never make small talk again. I get it though, I'm terrible for overanalyzing interactions.

I don't think it's a 'these days' thing. Surely there have always been some people who are less comfortable discussing their life with people they don't know well, and some who are more open / talkative?

In case is two words.

Yeah right. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙈🙈🙈🙈

That's highly overdramatic. Just a bit too much, just like your questions.

If somebody had managed to extract a sound out of me at that age, the answers would have been;

Hey, how are you?

I was feeling a bit safer because we're back at school. But not now, as anybody asking questions (especially somebody who's a teacher) always ends up in my getting battered at some point when I'm at home minding my own business.

'Um, OK?'

How was the half term?

Shit, as usual. She went off on one, came crashing into my bedroom at 2.52am shrieking and throwing my stuff around at me including books, pulled the shelving unit over onto my bed and then made me clean it all. Got better after that because she fucked up her back again doing it, so she took a shitload of painkillers and stayed in bed for the next two days, meaning I got to stay downstairs with the dog and cat and feed myself. Got a bit fed up with salad cream sandwiches after a while, though.

'S'alright, thanks'

Did you guys go away like .... mum because of school hours or does your mum not get the week off like me?

What? No. We don't do holidays. Holidays are what, to quote my mother 'Smug rich bitches like @k2493 do, if she ever tries sticking her nose in my business and asking you questions, you don't say a word because I'll know all about it when she's gone to Social Services and then I'll make you pay for that'. And why would I want to go on holiday and be trapped in a caravan non stop for 7 nights with that in any case?

Not get the week off? She hasn't worked in 30 years since she got married. Are you going to have a dig at me now for being poor or tell me that she should really get a job now that I'm at Secondary? I've had that from other friends' mums before. I wasn't allowed to be friends with them anymore and got a walloping for answering and saying she didn't work.

In any case, the question doesn't give me the option of answering because you've closed it down to whether she can get time off work

'Ummm....'<looks around desperately for friend to rescue me>

The intention may have been friendly, but depending upon who you're speaking to/at, the actual effect can be incredibly stressful.

It really is best not to ask any personal questions and it isn't fair to ask children. I've never done that (since I became a reasonably mature adult), and I do not like being questioned.

It sounds as though you submitted a barrage of questions, there really was no need.

If you have nothing to say, say nothing except asking how someone is today and being pleasant.

What a weird way of phrasing questions- in comparison to yourself. Why not just ask them if they had a nice half term like a normal person? Why do you need to throw your own situation or other people's into the mix? You're almost asking them to justify their family's position. You sound like a proper oddball in your posts as well, which are weirdly phrased.

Does that make you feel good to laugh at someone who's obviously upset? Nasty little twat

That's a rather dramatic reaction to a situation that could easily be managed by asking open questions instead of probing ones OP.

There are so many uptight, bitchy people on MN who disagree for the sake of it and love to make a poster feel bad. What do they get out of it? It makes them feel superior probably, just once in their tragic lives. You know you did nothing wrong.