What’s the fair way to pay for this?

You could tell DH the figure that you can afford and say that if he doesn't want to make up the remainder, there will be no private school because you can't afford it(which is true). Of course he shouldn't reduce maintenance whatever he pays.

Agree that I think you are taking a risk no matter how you divide up the fees.

I'm sure lots of people 'love' a certain school and 'really want to send' their DC to St Splendids or whatever, but please factor in trips/uniforms/sports kit and equiptment / tickets for things and suchlike first. And then factor in your DH meeting someone new and suddenly deciding DD will be 'fine' at the local comp because new girlfriend wants to go on splashy holidays. It happens all the time

And especially because he doesn't have overnight care of DD he will be able to minimise and downplay the impact of pulling her out of school. He won't be dealing with the fallout.

If you are SUPER confident that you have a shit tonne of savings to see you through, go for it. But be careful of being single minded about it (especially in front of DD) until you have had the conversation with your DH and really thought about all the comments on this thread.

It's possible to get school fees paid outside of the requirement to pay maintenance using the courts. However, I don't know if that's just at the point of separation and divorce or if you could still apply now. It is worth looking into before you speak with him - might be worth a free half hour with a solicitor or even just pay for some advice to be clear where you stand.

The child maintenance he pays goes towards food mortgage, clothes, books, toys, after school activities etc. so should in no way be impacted by these fees. These fees are over and above general 'maintenance' so you shouldn't even countenance changing this, tell him to get to fuck if he suggests this.

Then the school fees should be split proportionate to your respective incomes.

Did I mention England, Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland anywhere!?
another pp did but not me

My ex has just cut maintenance as his relationship has broken down so he is now paying 2 lots! Unbeknownst to him I just save it anyway as I foresaw something like this. I’d be shafted if I was paying my mortgage with it.

I'd start by suggesting split by income %, him £18K, you £12K and you keep current maintenance (presumably this will have to fund all private school extras anyway - expensive uniform, hobbies, trips etc). If he really pushes back on this, you can drop to £15K each and you keep full maintenance. I'd push to keep full maintenance as that should go up if his income does.

Oh for sure - not advocating for it at all - my children will absolutely not be boarding.

But there’s an income / costs equation here that isn’t really adding up - and 30k is a relatively expensive day school / inexpensive boarding - hard to tell!

I don’t know if it’s possible to do this but if it is ….
I would make sure all the contracts for payments are in his nome if you can
then if you have to remove her short notice for whatever reason it will be him they chase for money not you

How does that indicate she’s in England?

You can’t afford to send DD to a £30k a year school unless you having savings of £150k plus, which I guess you could. But if you don’t then don’t send her.

Whatever you decide make sure it’s documented and that you are not the only parent on record with the school. I would actually want him to pay his share directly to the school in line with any agreement you have if at all possible. You do not want to find yourself in the position where you are having to pay then chase him for money.

I think if you both made the decision, you should pay proportionate to your incomes and he should continue with maintenance at the same rate as before. Then you need to look at your finances. I think on your incomes you are cutting things very fine to pay for £30k a year in school fees.

Her needs at home don't diminish because he's paying school fees.
Stand firm on the maintenance.
He should pay the school fees or you should agree to pay them proportionally based on income. if he wants her to go there (so he pays 2/3rds, roughly, and you pay 1/3 of everything school-related). Otherwise she goes to state school, end of.

Seriously, stay firm. And get it in WRITING or you will struggle with a 1 term notice to remove her should he renege on paying.

My advice is DO NOT DO IT. If you can’t afford it on your wage alone if needed. My friend learnt the hard way. Don’t do it

In all honesty, you can't make him pay any more than his child maintenance already is. If you want to use that money to pay towards school fees, then fair enough, but no court would force him to pay more just to fund private school.

I'm guessing future private school fees wasn't a condition of your divorce, otherwise you'd have mentioned it. And if you weren't married, then you've got even less leg to stand on.

Sorry, but you can't afford it.

But if he does agree to contribute, really the only fair thing is to go 50:50. Him earning more, or you earning less, isn't really any of the other parents business. Yes, it would be nice if he'd go 60:40, or even 65:35, but he's under no legal obligation to do so.

I guess I assumed OP was in the UK as she mentioned the fees with a ££££ sign.
🤣🤣

Is this a secondary school?

I think that you’re already resentful and that differences between you over what proportion you should each pay, will make you even more so. You have savings, but they will quickly erode if you find yourself paying the whole sum. It’s definitely something that should have been part of the original discussion about private school.

You're resentful that your career has stalled, so presumably you either became a SAHM or went part time when your child was small. You could, I suppose have continued to work full time and paid nursery fees or hired a nanny. Was it a discussion you had at the time?

I think it’s not sensible to pay £30k and rising each year, for this school. Particularly as your ex might stop maintenance, or disagree with the financial split, or any one of a number of things. Your savings would be better kept for higher education or to finance housing or other expenses as she grows.

This entirely. Why consider private education when you don't consider that you can comfortably afford it. TBH, I think you are receiving a generous amount of maintenance. To expect your ex to pay more than half of school fees is unreasonable. Consider solving the issue by looking at state schools; there are some great ones around

You are not stuck. I earned more in my fifties than my 40s.
I also used flexi boarding so I could work late and attend industry events. If your daughter is an only child she might enjoy the company, mine did.

Yet another mumsnetter who thinks everywhere in the UK does things the same as the English.

England is not the UK. There are a great many schools who do not do things the English way.

If its something you both want then 50/50. I personally think your stupid to spend that sort of money unnecessarily when you can't afford it and their are plenty of other schools she could go to without you getting into debt. Also be mindful if you plan on having any more children in the future it would be only fair to do the same for them.

I guess it depends on whether it is a boarding school or a day school. If it's a boarding school, 50/50 on fees and a reduction in child maintenance seem fair as you can crack on with your career when she is away. If it is a day school, then 50/50 but with child maintenance as is would be reasonable.

@FairTurtle not when running two homes

Their joint income is irrelevant; it’s servicing two households.