Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s the fair way to pay for this?

292 replies

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:48

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 18:10

huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:58

@coffeesaveslives yes from savings I could pay 7 years so not all of it. He doesn’t know I have savings. I also don’t think I should have to use them for 50% of fees. That’s more my point, not the affording it aspect.

Show quote history

But as much as you don't want to hear it, what you think is irrelevant. What happened when you were together and the impact that had on your career is also (rightly or wrongly) irrelevant.

You're no longer together and you can't force him to pay anything towards her schooling, let alone more than 50% of it. So you need to decide whether you're willing and able to fund the lot yourself and act accordingly.

user8754387 · 06/11/2024 18:10

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:09

@40somethingme he’s paying cms minimum 🤦🏼‍♀️ the fact it’s a reasonable amount is simply in relation to his high earnings.

Show quote history

But his earnings aren’t particularly high

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:10

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:08

Why not? Confused You're expecting him to pay a massive proportion of his income.

You're being a bit "what's yours is ours and what's mine's my own" here.

Show quote history

@BarbaraHoward yes I can see that. I guess because I feel my career has been hampered by his lack of parenting

OP posts:
40somethingme · 06/11/2024 18:09

She’s treating her ex like a millionaire despite the fact that after paying her nearly 1k per month he’s closer to someone on a 70k salary.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:09

40somethingme · 06/11/2024 18:00

You shouldn’t hide your savings to get more money out of ex. It’s just plain wrong. He’s not even a particularly high earner and already pays you generously having his own living expenses.

@40somethingme he’s paying cms minimum 🤦🏼‍♀️ the fact it’s a reasonable amount is simply in relation to his high earnings.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:08

huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:58

@coffeesaveslives yes from savings I could pay 7 years so not all of it. He doesn’t know I have savings. I also don’t think I should have to use them for 50% of fees. That’s more my point, not the affording it aspect.

Show quote history

Why not? Confused You're expecting him to pay a massive proportion of his income.

You're being a bit "what's yours is ours and what's mine's my own" here.

Butterworths · 06/11/2024 18:07

TerryKirby · 06/11/2024 18:05

Have you been to court to get him to more parenting? If not, why not?

Can you force someone to do more parenting via the courts? I don't think they can make such an order.

rwalker · 06/11/2024 18:07

So if you can afford 7 years at 30k from savings you’ve hidden from him some how you have squirrelled away 200k of family money when you were with him

commonsense61 · 06/11/2024 18:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TerryKirby · 06/11/2024 18:05

Have you been to court to get him to more parenting? If not, why not?

Butterworths · 06/11/2024 18:01

I don't understand why you're focusing on employment income as the measure of how it should be split if you both have lots of other assets/ income. 50/50 seems the obvious way to do it if you're both quite wealthy independent of both your salaries.

40somethingme · 06/11/2024 18:00

You shouldn’t hide your savings to get more money out of ex. It’s just plain wrong. He’s not even a particularly high earner and already pays you generously having his own living expenses.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:58

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 17:56

Could you afford to pay 30k per year by yourself though? Because that's what you're potentially signing yourself up for.

Show quote history

@coffeesaveslives yes from savings I could pay 7 years so not all of it. He doesn’t know I have savings. I also don’t think I should have to use them for 50% of fees. That’s more my point, not the affording it aspect.

OP posts:
ColaCar · 06/11/2024 17:57

He can pay half but then no CMS is fair.

40somethingme · 06/11/2024 17:57

I’d go 50:50 with no change in maintenance. And 50:50 on all future school-related expenses including trips, sports, uniforms.
If he wants to do 50:50 and reduce the maintenance I would say no, not affordable.

But honestly on your salaries I’d reconsider it all together as it sounds like you’re stretching yourself too thinly.

mitogoshigg · 06/11/2024 17:57

He's under no obligation to pay school fees so you should get a written agreement to cover the first few years plus any child maintenance.

They are very expensive fees though, can you really afford them either of you?

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 17:56

huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:45

@MrsKeats thanks. We think we can though as each have some family wealth alongside incomes

Show quote history

Could you afford to pay 30k per year by yourself though? Because that's what you're potentially signing yourself up for.

littlemousebigcheese · 06/11/2024 17:54

Say you need to discuss fees as you're not sure it's affordable given your income and living costs. If he's keen for her to go to this specific school, let it be an issue for him to be worrying about and coming up with solutions for.

Maintenance doesn't stop because school fees start; she still needs to eat, be housed, clothed etc so make sure he's aware that fees are additional to CMS payment.

If he's so keen for her to go, it shouldn't your savings facilitating that when you're already RP and doing everything else on top.

OchAyeTheN00 · 06/11/2024 17:48

Maintenance is for general living. You’d get the same amount whether she was at state or private. Therefore school fees on top. I’d say salary proportionate is fair.

Orangelight23 · 06/11/2024 17:47

Imo fees should be 50/50 and then maintenance on top of that.

As pp have said though I wouldn't send her unless you have a plan to cover fees if for whatever reason he stops paying. If he dies for example will he leave money to cover fees. These are things to be discussed.

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 17:47

huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:45

@MrsKeats thanks. We think we can though as each have some family wealth alongside incomes

Show quote history

If you're arguing for a proportionate split, then you need to allow for this family wealth as well as your income.

Saschka · 06/11/2024 17:46

Willsnbills · 06/11/2024 16:28

Honestly @huserrr i would say to him that you can’t afford it at all, then wait for him to insist and then suggest if he wants her to go there so badly then he can pay it all!! Then I would save and if anything changes/happens to him you have a back up fund.

He can’t afford £30k school fees either! Neither of them can. It’s insanity.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:45

MrsKeats · 06/11/2024 16:12

You don't earn enough between you to pay 30k a year which will go up.
Then there are extras too.

@MrsKeats thanks. We think we can though as each have some family wealth alongside incomes

OP posts:
Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:44

Whyherewego · 06/11/2024 16:11

Whatever you decide I'd recommend either making him the primary payer (and you give him your share) or ensure it's set up at school that you pay your share each. I've had issues where my Ex didn't pay me back on a timely basis which caused cashflow issues

@Whyherewego thanks that’s a good point!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 06/11/2024 17:44

huserrr · 06/11/2024 17:40

@Boltonb as I have said I have savings alongside my income. I’m not worried about paying half, simply interested in what people think would be fair given our differing incomes.

Show quote history

But he might not agree to half on top of the maintenance, can you afford to pay all of it?