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AIBU?

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Original poster

What’s the fair way to pay for this?

292 replies

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:48

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:20

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:19

Absolutely. She could get a nanny or au pair and prioritise herself career over her child once more.

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Nothing wrong with working and using childcare.

Nothing wrong with choosing not to.

OP has options here and they're all good options, no need to slag any of them off.

lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 18:20

StormingNorman · 06/11/2024 17:43

All things that can do done outside of marriage too. In this case as a separated couple, insurances and wills would presumably benefit the DC anyway so she could cover the fees if her father died.

What difference does a LPA make to school fees?

They can both save for their daughter outside marriage. Even with a marriage one parent can’t raid joint savings to pay school fees their spouse doesn’t want to pay. Even in a marriage one or both parent(s) may not save at all.

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In a coma but normally make a regular payment for school fees? - that could be argued to be in the donors best interest to make a cash gift within their usual spending pattern

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:19

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:17

@40somethingme with receiving the bare minimum maintenance? Come on we can do better than that for a cash cow.

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You had a child with a man who doesn't want to step up. Many women are in the same situation.

BeerForMyHorses · 06/11/2024 18:19

He doesn't have to give anything other than the minimum maintenance.

If you can't afford to send her on your own income, then I wouldn't send her.

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:19

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:16

Exactly.

If you're so stressed about your career (understandable), use your savings for a nanny so you can work and skip the private school.

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Absolutely. She could get a nanny or au pair and prioritise herself career over her child once more.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:18

SilverChampagne · 06/11/2024 18:17

Sorry, op, but you really need to reflect on your own part in your career stalling, rather than blaming his lack of parenting.

He’d only have been parenting out of office hours regardless of how committed he was.

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@SilverChampagne sure, but that’s not equal is it, either.

OP posts:
Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:18

ohpoowhatnow · 06/11/2024 18:17

I think he should pay 50/60% of school fees and also maintenance on top.

@ohpoowhatnow this was my feeling on it, I’m glad others have suggested it too

OP posts:
Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:17

40somethingme · 06/11/2024 18:16

You talk about things things being “women’s job” or impact on women in general yet you are actively falling into the trap by treating the man as a cash cow

@40somethingme with receiving the bare minimum maintenance? Come on we can do better than that for a cash cow.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/11/2024 18:17

Saschka · 06/11/2024 17:46

He can’t afford £30k school fees either! Neither of them can. It’s insanity.

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OP has secret savings which she can use. So isn't concerned about affording her share.

ohpoowhatnow · 06/11/2024 18:17

I think he should pay 50/60% of school fees and also maintenance on top.

SilverChampagne · 06/11/2024 18:17

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:13

@Rightiojames because I think it’s unfair my career has suffered because the man has done next to nothing? You really need to reflect on your thought process here.

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Sorry, op, but you really need to reflect on your own part in your career stalling, rather than blaming his lack of parenting.

He’d only have been parenting out of office hours regardless of how committed he was.

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:16

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:14

I don't need to at all. You're an independent woman of means and significant levels of savings. Why are you so hell bent on remaining more tied to this man than you really need to be?

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Exactly.

If you're so stressed about your career (understandable), use your savings for a nanny so you can work and skip the private school.

40somethingme · 06/11/2024 18:16

You talk about things things being “women’s job” or impact on women in general yet you are actively falling into the trap by treating the man as a cash cow

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:15

SilverChampagne · 06/11/2024 18:12

How did his lack of parenting hamper your career so badly?
You could have paid for childcare if you’d wanted to keep your foot on the ladder?
Unless you were expecting him to actually work shorter hours I can’t see where he’s to blame.

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@SilverChampagne by doing all nursery runs? All pick ups? All collections when unwell? All time off when unwell? All nights awake when not sleeping? Hope that gives an insight. And funnily enough his maintenance wouldn’t cover extra childcare beyond nursery. At one point it didn’t even cover half the fees. Honestly there’s no hope for women with comments like yours is there 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Iliketulips · 06/11/2024 18:15

I'd suggest you split it roughly according to income, so he pays £18-19,000 and you pay £11-12,000. There could be extras to pay, ie uniform, extracurricular, trips, books so these could either be split accordingly to income and you receive less maintenance or you pay for out of maintenance unless it's a major one like a trip abroad.

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:14

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:13

@Rightiojames because I think it’s unfair my career has suffered because the man has done next to nothing? You really need to reflect on your thought process here.

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I don't need to at all. You're an independent woman of means and significant levels of savings. Why are you so hell bent on remaining more tied to this man than you really need to be?

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:13

SilverChampagne · 06/11/2024 18:12

How did his lack of parenting hamper your career so badly?
You could have paid for childcare if you’d wanted to keep your foot on the ladder?
Unless you were expecting him to actually work shorter hours I can’t see where he’s to blame.

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It isn't. I know many single parents whose careers have really taken off once they were rid of the dead weight .

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:13

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:11

I stand by my earlier comment that the OP isn't angry at the ex, she resents that she's a parent.

@Rightiojames because I think it’s unfair my career has suffered because the man has done next to nothing? You really need to reflect on your thought process here.

OP posts:
SilverChampagne · 06/11/2024 18:12

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:10

@BarbaraHoward yes I can see that. I guess because I feel my career has been hampered by his lack of parenting

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How did his lack of parenting hamper your career so badly?
You could have paid for childcare if you’d wanted to keep your foot on the ladder?
Unless you were expecting him to actually work shorter hours I can’t see where he’s to blame.

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:12

huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:10

@BarbaraHoward yes I can see that. I guess because I feel my career has been hampered by his lack of parenting

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You need to get over that I'm afraid. He's your ex, he doesn't owe you and your career anything.

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 18:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

What they would have done while they were still together isn't relevant now - they're not together and they each have their own homes etc. to fund, so their situation isn't what it was.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:12

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 18:10

But as much as you don't want to hear it, what you think is irrelevant. What happened when you were together and the impact that had on your career is also (rightly or wrongly) irrelevant.

You're no longer together and you can't force him to pay anything towards her schooling, let alone more than 50% of it. So you need to decide whether you're willing and able to fund the lot yourself and act accordingly.

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@coffeesaveslives yes what you say is true but I do believe the impact on my career should be a factor moving forward even if that isn’t officially recognised (like nothing is for women, let’s face it!)

OP posts:
Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 18:11

I stand by my earlier comment that the OP isn't angry at the ex, she resents that she's a parent.

BarbaraHoward · 06/11/2024 18:11

rwalker · 06/11/2024 18:07

So if you can afford 7 years at 30k from savings you’ve hidden from him some how you have squirrelled away 200k of family money when you were with him

Presumably it's the family money she referred to - an inheritance or gift she hasn't told him about.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 18:11

Butterworths · 06/11/2024 18:07

Can you force someone to do more parenting via the courts? I don't think they can make such an order.

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@TerryKirby of course you can’t. But it’s rather sad you think it’s the woman’s job to sort that! He parents when he fancies.

OP posts: