What’s the fair way to pay for this?

50/50 and politely put, it's very expensive on your salary. Why is the private school so much? There's cheaper ones around.

If you weren’t both planning to send your child to private school, the maintenance fees would still be the same. Private fees are on top of that, imo, and feels much fairer to me if it’s relative to salary. If your salary goes up, your proportion can go up.

You're dead right. Both salaries put together, with two houses to run, sounds tight with thirty thousand pounds of fees. Plus, what if he meets someone else and has other children?

I don't understand how you've reached the point of agreeing that this is the school for her, without discussing how you are going to finance it. Has this really not come into the decision making process?

Anyway, that's not helpful, sorry. I think you should work on 50/50 or thereabouts.... But I also agree with pp that you can't afford it on those incomes, with two households to run.

This is totally wrong, the money he pays maintenance is meant to cover his half of the childcare costs, you can’t just add it to her income. Unless OP doesn’t spend anything at all on her child and just uses the maintenance?

However I do agree their incomes are very low to send the kid private. Ours is similar and I wouldn’t dream of making us poor just for private school. And we’re only paying one mortgage between us.

It's an additional cost that comes on top of the usual living cost, so it should be split 50/50.

I can see your point regarding how your income has been impacted by the fact that you cared for your daughter more than him, but that's not really relevant now that you are separated. It's a choice you are both making now, either your bear the cost or you don't.

in that case I’d call his bluff and say you’ve changed your mind about the school as it’s not affordable for you (or, more gently, make noises in this direction).

let him negotiate from a position where he’s asking you, as then he’s moving you upwards from zero 😊

Just doing some maths OP which I’m sure you’ve already looked at but...

OP salary £60,000 = take home £45,400/yr ( exc pension payments )
DCdad salary £100,000 = take home £68,560/ yr ( exc pension payments )

If you both pay an equal share of the fees
OP £45,400 - £15,000 = £30,400 to live on and pay pension, Uni fees etc
DCdad £68,460 - £15,000 = £53,460 to live on and pay etc etc
Im not reducing this figure by the child maintenance as OP has costs for that too.

Can you live on £30,400 OP ?
Can DCdad live on £53,460 ?

According to websites for calculating uptick in fees in 7 years your fees could be approx £38,000……will salaries keep track to pay this or perhaps you can use savings if not. If salary increases are based on % of salary you ex will in real terms get a bigger rise than you each year, so it’s worth remembering that.

IF you pay a share of the fees on a 60/100 ratio based on your current salaries

OP £45,400 - £11,250 = £34,150 to live on
DCdad £68,460 - £18,750 = £49,710 to live on

Perhaps these figures will help you make the decision OP.

( brain training for me for day done )

OP I assume you weren't married, or if you were the finances are sorted? If that's the case, your wider financial position has nothing to do with him. You are asking for the fees to be shared with him, as her 50% parent, that's 50/50. To me that is fair. To try and ask for a different split would open up a wider financial discussion, and frankly you wouldn't want that. i.e why is current income the deciding factor when overall wealth would influence this.

50/50 and this is above and beyond maintenance. It should be agreed that additional costs when faced should be conceded by agreement and split equally.

If he wants private education as much as you, then this is the only way to handle it fairly.

Once you are in the private system you may well have more time to work and catch up, but I do not see this as having any bearing on this (the wider debate, I hear you).

I would think so (pay the school fees equally) if you want to send your child to private school and the child's father is already paying £890 per month for living expenses to adjoin your own salary tbh but I have feeling you might come back with a pithy answer to justify why you aren't getting enough money from him (while hiding your savings). You may not think this is genuine when I say I wish you well but it is. I'd just say, try and work with your former partner. If you don't, the person who's going to be affected most adversely is likely to be your child, whether they get a private education or not.

Another one who thinks this seems very unaffordable on your incomes. 10k per term seems rather high, is there a more affordable local independent that you can consider?

I don't think you or your ex can afford to privately educate your child.

I think current maintenance arrangements should stay the same and you should split school fees 50/50 as it’s a luxury that you both want your child to have

We're you married and then divorced?
Did you have to do a financial declaration for a consent order, or is all this informally agreed with her dad?

So you’re the main carer for your daughter on £60k. You are going to need 2.5k per month - £1250 each. Can you trust him to pay it? Out simply op try and stay independent and whatever you get from op is a bonus. You simply can’t afford private schoool on £60k. That’s not even including trips etc.

Can you afford it if he suddenly decide to stop paying? I don't have many years of fees left. I've seen families in all sorts of situations where one parent stopped paying.

Unless your savings are significant, I don't think 160k is enough to run two households and pay fees. Especially if either of you have more children

I have seen it happen several times.
Its risky but hopefully OP knows best

I would seriously rethink private school, it doesn’t sound like you both earn enough.

You say you have savings, but surely you would have used them to pay for wrap around care to ensure your career didn’t stagnate, and benefitted from increased pension contributions.

Plus, fees go up every year

I suppose I was trying to say, and I am sorry if you felt I said it clumsily, you are paid decent money and I'm sure you will find a way of sending your child to private school if you wish to, and other people (and they're not specifically your problem, of course they're not) have different problems

It should be proportional to your incomes.

So he pays 62.5% and you pay 37.5%.

He pays £18,750
You pay £11,250

There should not even be any suggestion that this lowers his maintenance obligation, because her living expenses will not change at all, and it's not like he can't afford it.

It's not just the fees though it's the fact he's not going to contribute more

I think you will feel even MORE resentful if he doesn't also start paying for uniform/music lessons/extra curricular - you're also going to be paying for all the trips and the party gifts and bloody everything

£890 is not going to cover all the above even if he pays 60:40

Is there no good state option where you can then spend loads of money (but less than £2600 a month on schooling) on extra tuition/music/drama/ fabulous sports/ - there's just so much you can do with that