What’s the fair way to pay for this?

😂 Yeah the drip feed has changed the picture somewhat.

OP sounds like you are determined to send her not matter what, so back to your original question - I think it’s just having an honest conversation with the father that you can’t afford to go half now as you earning capacity has been hampered by being a primary caregiver. So as he is also dead keen on private school, an equitable arrangement where you split fees proportionally is most fair.

Then if you feel you can cover the difference if he stops paying for whatever reason and are happy to take that risk, it’s your choice. You know your finances best!

But it is her income. I didn't say it was disposable income anywhere. It is a deduction from the father, yet everyone is gleefully still including it as his money when it isn't at all.

But the end result doesn't matter, regardless. They can't afford to spend £30k on private schooling. Especially so when the father is under no legal obligation whatsoever to fund any proportion of school fees, let alone pay fees in addition to maintenance.

^^
This. You will struggle to afford a minimum of £30k a year which will go up more than inflation.
How come it's £30k, that's very expensive. Most day schools are around £20k.

Ps….if you read my posts you will see I said there are exceptions …..and yet you said I was steadfast and ALL schools used this system.

What part of there are exceptions is confusing
How does ‘there are exceptions’ = ALL

Please can I ask that you do not jump to conclusions without fully reading the posts because being ‘verbally attacked’ is not nice and perhaps not attack a genuine poster who is here with thoughts, suggestions and advice for OP in a derail……...

So after several updates, you turn out to have a secret £200k in the bank, you are mortgage free, and your parents are minted. Talk about drip feeding! Plus if your child is just starting school now then you probably have at least 20 years of your career ahead of you. So that changes the picture somewhat. Just pay it all yourself upfront, why don't you.

Firstly I couldn’t understand why you made the comment.
It came across as aggressive.
This is a discussion ….no need to go off piste and attack.

I never mentioned any part of the UK.
I didn’t mention England.

However.

Since you are interested.
There are NO day private schools in Northern Ireland or Wales that charge £30,000 ( not even close )
There are TWO in Scotland…Gordonstoun and Fettes
That leaves England with LOTS

So based on a basic balance of probability unless it’s the two in Scotland it will be in England.

However I didn’t mention anything about anywhere and there was no need to attack me and make unwarranted assumptions based on nothing. Especially as the stats do not back up your attack and speak volumes

A lot of people say that after a divorce. I find it's a matter of opinion and leave it at that.

If he feels strongly about private school- use that to your advantage.

Tell him you can't afford it, as you have to work part time as you are sole carer. If HE would like to fund private school on top of maintenance, then fine.

But unless he's going to fund it, you've realised you can't at it and will be sending her public.

Op claimed her child’s father ruined her career by not parenting properly.

I love how Mumsnet threads always descend into utter chaos. How on earth did we get here from the original question about school fees? 😂

Yes, but England is not the same as UK. You’ve just entirely proved my point. I’ve pointed out that not everywhere in the UK is England, and you’ve replied laughing that you assume it is because of the £ sign. Really? There are other nations within the UK which do things differently, but your reply was steadfast that all private schools do it the way you think. Never mind the other nations which are not England (we also use £ because we are in the UK, we’re just not English and we don’t all do stuff the way you do).

If the grandparents are doing that well then pick a swiss boarding school? If you want to know more about them plenty of people can help.

You said 30k was an issue financially. A combined income of 160k isn't a lot to pay for 30k of private school fees and running 2 homes. Unless family step up you should look at other alternatives.

If the grandparents are doing so well this wouldnt be an issue for Mumsnet it would have just happened and x child would be on a pathway to Eton/Aiglon/Benenden etc

Agreed. I think this is about resenting her child’s impact on her finances and envy at an ex who isn’t actually bringing home much more.

Why didn’t you use your savings for wrap around care to ensure you stayed on track for your career? I can understand if you wanted to spend time more time with your child, but that’s a different argument than you ex sabotaging your career through lack of childcare.

I still don’t really get how your career has been irrevocably damaged OP? If your DD is only around 5? Surely you can get back on track, or is there something about the career you’re in that makes that impossible?

If you’re on £60k, mortgage free, with £200k in the bank and loaded parents, then I’m a bit baffled why you went for nursery rather than a nanny, which would have allowed you much more flexibility at work.

Of course, you might still have wanted to do drop offs, pick-ups, bath and bed times, but that’s a (totally understandable) choice and not really about your ex sabotaging your career.

Women of all sorts of backgrounds are screwed over at work - and at home! - but it does sound like you have the sort of wealth that could have bought you out of a lot of that.

Who's saying OP should get a nanny in? I don't even think the OP, to her credit, said this. And, "the type of job where you get paid £60k .. frown upon drop offs/pick ups" (as if people on lesser paid jobs aren't frazzled out their brain from drop offs/pick ups 🤔). Because they actually are. I do genuinely hope the OP resolves the issue she has. People on lesser paid jobs are actually less likely to get drop off/pick up times - in my observation, they run out their job that they've not been paid overtime for the extra time they've worked, sprint to their car or the bus, worry that they'll be late for their children and sometimes are, maybe because the bus was late, the elderly person they care for was upset, a customer in the bank they work in was aggressive and they couldn't leave on time and might have been in the toilet crying trying to compose themselves. How do I know - I saw all that during my working life.

I think the impact on your child’s home life if you paying so much of your take home salary in her school fees is not worth the benefit you perceive she will have educationally. As one of the least well off at a school full of affluent people she will likely feel less than, you will be stressed about making money and inevitably there will be cut backs to your quality of life and hers because you cannot really afford this. All the evidence from studies shows the main difference in terms of attainment in education and through the life course is not schooling but what’s going on at home. Literally the only reason to send your child to a £30k a year private school is to have her mix with well-off people - I think this is a silly thing to do and will impact your daughters self esteem as she will quickly figure out you are not among the high flyers, wealth wise. I’d advise you to rethink.

Depending on his outgoings but he should pay 60% this cannot be legally enforced, he has no business knowing about your savings …I’m sure he has savings too, which you are not aware of. but he should contribute if it’s something you always planned for dear child. Some of these comments make me really mad. It’s so unfair about how childcare is split. I honestly feel empathy for you OP. It must be so hard. The person who suggested a nanny do they know how much that costs??? Especially if you live in London - they wouldn’t even accept that work as it is such little hours. It’s a real hardship if you had a promising career no one has a crystal ball to say a marriage won’t work out and it’s really tough and well done you for having the savings that will see your child through for 7 years.

When he inevitably tries to lower the maintenance on the fact that he is paying school fees, point out that so are you, on a lower salary, and she doesnt cost less to feed, clothe, house etc just because he is choosing to pay the fees. He is at liberty to refuse to pay the fees if he feels he cant afford both.

Given your update about savings, it doesn’t sound as risky. I was going to join the chorus of you can't really afford it on that income while running two separate households. I think 50:50 plus maintenance is fair- the maintain ends is the contribution to your daughter and the fees have to be a joint commitment and decision.

I also think people are being a bit ridiculous about your point around picking up the slack. It’s much easier to progress if you don’t have to worry about being available for childcare.

50-50 seems a fair split based on your takeaway.

In terms of people giving you a hard time, I see how your career would suffer. The type of job where you earn £60k is one where leaving to do nursery pick ups and drop offs is frowned upon, the presenteeism in professional services is very often misunderstood on MN with people saying "work 9-5pm". Yeah. No. That's not what is expected. And doing that will make your career suffer. And I doubt you could afford a Nanny on £60k or even £160k if you and your Ex was still together once other bills were added.

You absolutely should. You're divorcing. Going forward, every new choice is just that. You aren't a team. He doesn't owe more than 50% of a new commitment.