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Original poster

What’s the fair way to pay for this?

292 replies

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:48

Dd is starting at a private school next September. Fees are 30k a year including VAT.

ex pays me 890 in child maintenance (this is the minimum he is obligated to pay). He does often buy extras for DD but she never stays over with him as he is pretty much working all the time.

my career has suffered as a single parent. Ex is on around 100k and I am on 60k. Unlikely I will earn more now as my career has been affected massively by doing everything for dd on my own.

when it comes to paying school fees what’s fair? I suspect ex may suggest we split the fees and he reduces child maintenance as well. I am interested in thoughts before I have the conversation with him. For context he is usually reasonable about things in the end.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/11/2024 16:16

Sorry but 30k on private school so effectively 60k pre tax income is crazy on those salaries regardless of how you split it.

CrazyCatLady008 · 06/11/2024 16:13

50:50 however he doesn't have to pay anything beyond CSA. Unless you have a backup I wouldn't send her there. You're not going to be able to afford half your annual wages if he stops paying.

GinForBreakfast · 06/11/2024 16:13

I wouldn't send your child to that school in this scenario. The risks are too high - he could lose his job, get nasty/uncooperative, move abroad... anything.

At some point you will have to stop looking back (his actions inhibited your career progress) and look forward. £60k plus healthy maintenance payments plus hidden savings is enough to live very comfortably on if you don't have the burden of school fees.

Noseybookworm · 06/11/2024 16:13

I would have a conversation with him - be honest and say that you feel your earning power has been reduced by doing the majority of parenting and that you feel a 60/40 split on the school fees would be fair. At the end of the day you can't force him to pay more than half but if he's reasonable, hopefully he'll see your point.

MrsKeats · 06/11/2024 16:12

You don't earn enough between you to pay 30k a year which will go up.
Then there are extras too.

Whyherewego · 06/11/2024 16:11

Whatever you decide I'd recommend either making him the primary payer (and you give him your share) or ensure it's set up at school that you pay your share each. I've had issues where my Ex didn't pay me back on a timely basis which caused cashflow issues

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 06/11/2024 16:10

I think it should be a 50/50 split too.

rwalker · 06/11/2024 16:09

Whilst 100k is a very healthy salary
He’ll pay 32k deductions
at a guess5k pension
10k maintenance
30 k school fees

that 77k before he’s housed and freed himself I don’t think that’s realistic

Boltonb · 06/11/2024 16:08

Well, you can’t afford it, but you won’t hear that. Fees will go up every year. Fees are only one part of the expense - uniforms, trips, etc.

As he’s happy to only be paying minimum now, I wouldn’t bet my child’s security on him feeling generous about school fees forever.

Even if he splits fees, you’d be paying 25% of your gross income on fees, which is unaffordable in many’s eyes.

If he meets someone else/has a child/gets married/decides to retire early/go part time to enjoy time with his new partner etc etc it could all change, and your child is at his mercy, no matter where she is in her schooling career/exams etc.

It’s ludicrous.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/11/2024 16:05

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:57

@coffeesaveslives i see where you’re coming from but she has two parents

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Yes, but his CMS is his contribution to “parenting”. He doesn’t have to pay anything beyond that. And the proportional payments would be one thing if you were married or still together however you aren’t, so your finances aren’t any of his business and vice versa.

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 16:05

huserrr · 06/11/2024 16:01

@Rightiojames the ex for doing next to nothing parenting wise

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Then make your life your own and don't rely on him. Use wrap around child care, work full time, work when she's asleep.

HaPPy8 · 06/11/2024 16:04

50/50. The child maintenance is a decent amount.

lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 16:03

huserrr · 06/11/2024 16:01

@Rightiojames the ex for doing next to nothing parenting wise

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You know he's a shit parent now though and are making the choice now based on your current incomes. Can you afford half the fees? If not then she can't go.

lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 16:02

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 16:01

I get that, but given he only pays you the bare minimum as it is, you'll likely struggle to cover all the extras (trips, uniforms, extra-curriculars etc.) on your income, and fees will only go up as she moves through the system.

I just think you'll be risking a lot. And what happens if he refuses to pay or loses his job?

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Or dies

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 16:01

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 16:01

It sounds like you resent your child not your ex.

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@Rightiojames the ex for doing next to nothing parenting wise

OP posts:
lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 16:01

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 16:01

It sounds like you resent your child not your ex.

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Sounds like a bit of both

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 16:01

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:57

@coffeesaveslives i see where you’re coming from but she has two parents

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I get that, but given he only pays you the bare minimum as it is, you'll likely struggle to cover all the extras (trips, uniforms, extra-curriculars etc.) on your income, and fees will only go up as she moves through the system.

I just think you'll be risking a lot. And what happens if he refuses to pay or loses his job?

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 16:01

huserrr · 06/11/2024 16:00

@Rightiojames sure but even so im on the back foot while he has progressed

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It sounds like you resent your child not your ex.

lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 16:00

Really I think fees should be 50/50. You are making the decision based on the facts now not grudges from the past. You both want to send her so you should both pay half.

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 16:00

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 15:57

You're not stuck there. You're resting there while your child is small, when she goes to senior school you can start again.

@Rightiojames sure but even so im on the back foot while he has progressed

OP posts:
Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:59

Hoppinggreen · 06/11/2024 15:57

I agree, I think you will struggle
Also if things turn nasty are you prepared for your DD to have to change schools? Even in an exam year?

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@Hoppinggreen i don’t think ex would refuse to pay his half even if we fell out. He’s very keen on the school and doesn’t struggle for money. I know you can’t always foresee what someone would do but he’s much older now and unlikely to have more kids. It’s not a huge concern to me

OP posts:
lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 15:59

huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:57

@coffeesaveslives i see where you’re coming from but she has two parents

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Yes but he could switch jobs or end up in a coma and I expect he won't be giving you the life insurance if he dies

Rightiojames · 06/11/2024 15:57

You're not stuck there. You're resting there while your child is small, when she goes to senior school you can start again.

Hoppinggreen · 06/11/2024 15:57

TTPDTS · 06/11/2024 15:54

I wouldn't honestly do it - you're relying on goodwill between you both to pay for this - let alone activities / holidays / sports kit / uniform. Sounds unaffordable, even on your joint income.

I agree, I think you will struggle
Also if things turn nasty are you prepared for your DD to have to change schools? Even in an exam year?

Original poster
huserrr · 06/11/2024 15:57

coffeesaveslives · 06/11/2024 15:55

As you can't afford to send her on your own, I don't think you should send her at all.

@coffeesaveslives i see where you’re coming from but she has two parents

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