AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

So he saw it coming, could have warned you, but chose to save himself and leave you to it. He will never have your back. You can never again rely on or respect him. And he'll probably double down on the "big man" act to compensate for his punctured ego.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you exactly who he is. It may be the biggest favour he'll ever do you.

I'm a therapist and is this really was life threatening then the fight, flight or freeze kicks in. People have literally no conscious control over this, the primitive brain takes over so sone will stay and fight. Sone freeze, play dead and sone flee. Often the persons reaction confuses them. I've worked with people who did fight back a man with a gun, people that have frozen during an attack and people that have ran and not cared for others. It's literally primitive and infiltrated in that situation no one would know their response.
However the day to day comments that he's stronger than you etc are more suspicious.
Is he generally poor in self esteem do you think, could he have responses with flight in the armed forces ans the guilt shame he feels now makes him try and feel better about himself maybe? That's the big I personally find stranger. He doesn't seem overly caring op

I agree. Fil is ex forces and has told me before he could kill everyone in the room ( family wedding when I early twenties) yet he can't have a blood test. I always thought it was a really weird thing to say to me.

Whereas cousin who is ex RAF has never talked about what he has seen or done and I was shocked when he became an emergency worker and he said he has already seen it all. He never brags, he risks his life every day and saves lives without comment. There no need to the big man act, his actions are boasted on. He is humble.

How did he react at not getting a place on the team?

He does sound absolutely awful!

I wonder if he has some sort if inferiority complex and puts you down to make himself feel better. That kind if behaviour is unacceptable.

My husband is an army veteran. He never brags about his experiences. And I know he'd never leave me, or even a bunch of strangers, in a situation like you describe, and run away. Never.

Wishing you a swift recovery, OP.

I don't think this incident is a red herring at all. He's a twat as well as being not very brave.

I have stepped forward several times in life to call the emergency services or wrestle someone to the ground in a dangerous situation and the like. I don't want to do it, and my instinct is to run away but if it's for a family member, then I've just got on with it, despite that putting me at risk or being incredibly stressed during some emergency manoeuvre.

I cannot think of anything I need more from my husband to have my back in the ultimate situations of life, so for me this would be game over.

I think some scenarios of 'freeze' are a little bit different, for example, if you are being attacked by a larger person who is likely to win, then freeze may help you. Running away, not checking back, not saving anyone else, prioritising yourself- nope, not into that at all.

You can also teach yourself not to freeze sometimes, I remember doing psychology at school and the 'bystander effect' meaning no-one steps forward to help, so you have to point at people and ask them to do a specific task, not just shout 'help' as they think others will help. I've done this successfully as well, He would have been shit at that too, as you couldn't have even instructed him if he'd already fled.

I could forgive an initial hesitation or even someone crying, but not running away from saving me.

This was my first thought!

From the sounds of it OP, you have great respect for the military which is probably why you’ve given this person the benefit of the doubt and accepted his bullshit.

He sounds horrendous…selfish, narc (the low self esteem sounds a good fit for being a covert narc), low self-esteem which means he has to put you down all the time, lazy. Of course he saw the danger before all of you because you’re all too stupid and non-special to have seen the danger. He’s changing the narrative so he’s right and the hero (because he doesn’t actually believe he’s any good, which is something he’s right about).

Enough about him. Ditch him. Don’t get married and don’t have kids with him. He’ll be a crap dad who doesn’t see why he should be up at 3am with a barfing child or why he should listen to 3 hours on Minecraft. Do you work? I assume he doesn’t do any housework without being micro-managed and then he’ll huff and puff about it and do such a shit job he’s creating more work.

You, however, sound amazing! You are clearly a very well-balanced, thoughtful and considerate person who has lead a hugely interesting life. Go find someone worthy of being your partner. Or don’t, whatever suits you best. Live your life to the full and use your experiences to help others as you sound like you can make an actual difference to people.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and a quick end to your relationship!

(Oh, get your family on board before you tell him you’re done. Bet they think he’s a twat but have put up with him because they respect your choices. Get your dad to help kick him out 😀)

I read about a similar thing a few months ago, the general consensus was he could've at least taken your hand and ran with you... He sounds like a pain.

I bet your Dad can see right through him. Even if his instinct was to run, did he come back to help you? Did he even ask how are you coping? He sounds like such a Walt, even though he served. He should be waiting on you hand and foot after the incident!

Was this to do with attacks on the emergency services yesterday? there were a few mentioned in the news - a couple sounded like they could have been very serious in terms of people getting hurt had things gone wrong.

@Notacoward
I'm sorry but this relationship was over the nanosecond he turned and ran. He's done a good job on you too with DARVO and gaslighting I would guess.
Your problem now is how he's going to continue gaslighting you until you appear to accept his version of events. He's a coward and completely untrustworthy.

My niece is forces and was in a relationship with a man (also similar job in the forces in a nearby unit) who was furious that she had taken a long overseas posting, had booked on to another short overseas posting on her return and had been promoted. I think he asked her who'd she shagged to get a promotion and that he was never going to fucking salute her in a million years. The fact was that she was a huge distance away missing him and family and he'd phone her to tell her how great he was at his job and that he didn't need to go away in order to prove it. My DN is very career minded and she's going far but this inadequate prick just wanted to feel the bigger man by making her achievements small.

When you've had time to process this, it would be very interesting to hear his side of the story. Putting you down all those tears is breathtaking in it's arrogance. No one can predict how they will react in a dangerous situation, but to totally. ignore that you were at risk too and to make it all about himself is also breathtaking.

If Ive read between the lines right you are in Hospital OP because of your injuries - and your brave partner is left doing the housework . And he is complaining about this as its your fault he has work to do.

Oh please OP, do not return to this creature. Go back to your parents to recuperate and tell them how you came to be injured. And exactly how your partner protected himself rather than you.

Celebrate with your family the greatness that is you -and dont let anyone ever dim your sparkle again.

I would get the massive ick. What a loser!

Bravery isn't not getting scared. It's being scared, but not running away. You did what your children needed, even if you were a quivering wreck. That's bravery right there.

Is this event in the news?

What would he do if his kid was in danger?

I could never respect a man that left me to die, if there was a chance of me living.

I just can't get over the fact he's asking about how you would feel if he died! Self absorbed or what.
Does the man have no self awareness at all?

I think I would be able to get past it if he had been a loving partner previously, but then panicked in a fight/flight incident and ran away…… but then after he was very worried about my wellbeing, apologised that his response was to run away from protecting me, saying “I don’t know if I could have forgiven myself if you’d been seriously injured or died.”

However if my husband reacted like your partner then I would be filing for divorce.

Putting you down is worse than the cowardice IMHO. Sounds like he’s deeply insecure about his lack of ‘action’ when deployed even though he’s probably relieved too to have had an easy ride.

I have only read the OPs posts.

The incident is a red herring tbh. He's been nasty and belittling for years before the incident, and he's nasty and belittling after the incident even though OP is hurt.

He's a 100% nasty shithead who should be dumped. It's nothing to do with cowardice but that's just the shit cherry on top of a shit cake.

pls tell me i'm not the only one who is SO CURIOUS as to what this incident was?!

Th8s is known as confirmation bias. We ( all of us) ignore the evidence that doesn't fit our desired outcome

Any guys who wants on about being brave/strong/a great liar so should have been in intelligence etc is often a bullshitter. You don't need to tell people if you are any of these things - actions not words is a saying for a reason.

I've been thinking more about this and I'm so mad for you! He's put out he needs to up the housework? He saw the danger and ran before even warning anyone?! He asked what if HE had died?!

He's just awful.

In the moment people can react differently and that's fair enough. It's the before and after that is the most awful.

How is he not embarrassed?
How is he not waiting on you happily, relieved you are alive and only a bit injured?

Please don't stay with this nob op.