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Original poster

Wife wants step children back.

606 replies

stephen8 · 06/11/2024 11:32

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

OP posts:
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GivingOhio · 06/11/2024 20:52

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Needanewname42 · 06/11/2024 20:47

BestEffort · 06/11/2024 19:17

@Fluufer tutors are unregulated. They don't need qualifications or even DBS checks to advertise and work as tutors. When home educating the responsibility for the children education fall to the parents.

I think this is an illegal school. Childminders who care for home Ed kids can't even do the work with them without risking their ofsted reg. but as tutors are unlicensed 🤷‍♀️. However to care for children and be paid for it (which is the case here as tutor has the kids without OP) for more than two hours a day you legally have to be registered with ofsted. This tutor is breaking the law big time

Thank-you that was one of the things I wondered when does a tutor become a school.
While I don't know where the line is I'd think having 6 or more children of different ages 6 hours a day, 5 days a week has to come under the definition of a school.

I bet there are rural village schools with those kind of numbers.

gladpurpledog · 06/11/2024 20:47

Cantalever · 06/11/2024 20:15

You absolutely must get urgent legal advice. Do it tomorrow. Pay for it if you must on credit card - anything, but get proper legal advice about how to prevent the handover in the short term, and proper custody arrangement longer term. Praying for you and your girls.

This is a fake post, open your eyes. It’s worrying how many women would believe anything.

gladpurpledog · 06/11/2024 20:45

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Agree. There are some very naive women on this thread.

Whataninvasionofprivacy · 06/11/2024 20:42

@stephen8
Wow! If you were a woman who had been the step mum, doing exactly what you have done, you would be hailed as a living angel 😇 and would be put forward for an OBE by mumsnet.

Yes you should have contacted social services, but if you didn’t realise you needed to then why would you? Men are slated so badly on here for being useless dads, who don’t give a damn and don’t support their kids. Then there’s you…I hope everything works out for you and the girls. Be totally 100% open with all authorities about everything. I really am wishing you the absolute best.

If this man had posted saying “My wife has walked out and left me with her kids, and I’m putting them in care” You’d have ripped him to absolute shreds. “Did you not see the kids as a package? You’re disgusting! Why can’t you look after them?” There really are so many men haters on here. I say this as someone who spent many years married to a gambling addict. There really are some good men in this world.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 06/11/2024 20:42

Their mother will have a lot to answer for and the children's statements will be taken into account.

gladpurpledog · 06/11/2024 20:41

lovemetomybones · 06/11/2024 19:44

What amazing progress in one afternoon! I really hope that these children stay in your home. Remember to record everything, make sure you have a log of every time she has been abusive.

It only took three years. Amazing it could be done in one afternoon.

gladpurpledog · 06/11/2024 20:41

Icouldabeenalawyer · 06/11/2024 19:35

I will be thinking of you tomorrow OP 🌺 best of luck

You couldn’t be a lawyer, that’s for sure.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 06/11/2024 20:40

kittybiscuits · 06/11/2024 20:36

There is no conceivable way, if this is true, that you have not tried to conceal that you have kept the children in an unauthorised private fostering arrangement. This has red flags all over it. If anyone is reading this and thinks it's all okay, it isn't. They are not your children OP and your parents are not their grandparents. People are so gullible...

They would have been put in the care system. It's not a nice place to be in they were better left with him. He is married to their mother legally he is their guardian.

gladpurpledog · 06/11/2024 20:38

TheSilkWorm · 06/11/2024 19:06

Why would you expect the tutor to ask or care whether the step father has PR for the children? How is that their concern?

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There you go. A teacher would know what to do. This tutor doesn’t, after three years.

R053 · 06/11/2024 20:37

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 20:28

illegal, unregistered private school

@R053 I don’t understand what you mean? Home education is legal in the uk

He called it home schooling but when you actually read his posts (I have read the full thread) that’s clearly not what’s happening.

kittybiscuits · 06/11/2024 20:36

There is no conceivable way, if this is true, that you have not tried to conceal that you have kept the children in an unauthorised private fostering arrangement. This has red flags all over it. If anyone is reading this and thinks it's all okay, it isn't. They are not your children OP and your parents are not their grandparents. People are so gullible...

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/11/2024 20:34

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I would encourage anyone with similar concerns about the validity of this thread to report it.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/11/2024 20:34

You sound like you've done a wonderful job and really stepped in when your girls needed someone. I wish you luck.

Viviennemary · 06/11/2024 20:31

Absolutely not. Say sorry I won't be accepting your arrangements and please wait to hear from my solicitor.

BrightYellowTrain · 06/11/2024 20:30

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 20:28

illegal, unregistered private school

@R053 I don’t understand what you mean? Home education is legal in the uk

EHE is legal. Unregistered schools (which is what the tutor is running by providing full-time education to 6 CSA DC is classed as) are not.

Cosyblankets · 06/11/2024 20:30

I am horrified at some of the responses on here. Yes you should have involved social services from the start but other than that you've done everything in your power to love and care for the girls.
Imagine the responses if a woman had looked after the kids of an alcoholic gambler. She'd be hailed a saint
I wish you the best of luck

GivingOhio · 06/11/2024 20:29

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Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 20:28

illegal, unregistered private school

@R053 I don’t understand what you mean? Home education is legal in the uk

QueenDoria · 06/11/2024 20:27

Mumsnet, there seem to have been an influx of unusual posts recently as though someone is posting from abroad to gain a reaction. Can we check if the poster is from abroad?? ???

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 06/11/2024 20:25

R053 · 06/11/2024 20:10

Yes, particularly about the illegal, unregistered private school and not being able to get medical treatment for 3 years for three kids. How is that even possible for them not to need medical attention at some stage or get their scheduled vaccines?

But if you dare ask a question like this we get told we are being “bitchy”, that mumsnet is anti men, a woman would never be treated like that and don’t forget, his wife is a hedonistic skanky drunk who abandoned her children!

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I have never been asked to show my id when taking a child to the doctor so I don’t know how the doctor would know that he didn’t have parental responsibility if he took them for appointments/ vaccinations.

Gagaandgag · 06/11/2024 20:24

Why is home education always so often criticised on mumsnet? It’s a valid and highly valuable life choice. We aren’t all abusers in disguise!!!

You sound like a wonderful dad. Good luck with the legal advice, this really is a very sad situation

ThatRareUmberJoker · 06/11/2024 20:22

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Any man with sperm can father children it takes a man to raise them. Are you saying social services would not react to this are you saying they are useless. You are right he did not report the mother missing months ago he did say that you noticed.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 06/11/2024 20:20

beAsensible1 · 06/11/2024 12:29

well if social services aren't involved and they are not in school then i doubt you'll have leg to stand on.

There seems to be no official levers involved in you taking custody of them nor any contact with outside agencies that have safeguarding officers.

If you had a relationship with them and allowed Social services to do an assessment they very likely would have left them with you, as you are married to their mother.

It was a joint decision between him and the mother and their children can qualify that seeing as all children have a say these days.

sterli2323 · 06/11/2024 20:17

Fluufer · 06/11/2024 19:08

Of course it a tutors concern that children have been abandoned in the care of an unrelated person. Alarming that you would think it isn't.

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He is related he is their stepdad. Considered in law as a close relative.