To find this horrendously unattractive

If he's genuinely putting it on, I'm afraid I would have to tell him - to his face - to fucking get a grip, support his wife, and look after his children. It's absolutely pathetic that you can't get a bit of a rest after what you've been through over the past couple of days.

This is one of the most hilariously horrendous things I have read on Mumsnet….your partner got his own fucking tongue tie snipped ahead of his newborn baby?!?!?!

I mean, he’s your ex so I probably don’t have to ask, but how did you even look at him with a straight face ever again?!

Would you? How odd. To be equally irritated by someone complaining but otherwise carrying on and not inconveniencing you in the least, as you would by someone you believed to be faking illness in order to do nothing? Would you not mind having to pick up the slack?

Absolutely. The bigger picture is vast here.

Ugh. Deeply unattractive, and YANBU. My dh used to attempt this whilst his dm was alive, and he'd get her over to fuss over him whist I worked and did childcare. Nothing serious, just the odd bad cold, but his dm took such joy in looking after her baby boy that I'd leave them to it. If he gets ill now (far less frequently now his dm has passed away), I will help him, but in a brisk busy way, because going by past experience, he's not actually that bad. If I'm ill, I will tell him directly exactly what's required. If he ever so much as questioned or frowned, or god forbid, sighed, I'd ask if there was a problem. Could he explain exactly why he questioned, frowned or sighed. I don't let him get away with shit like that at all. I sound harsh don't I? a real dragon? well I'm not. We've been together for 30 years and laugh every day. We love each other very much, but it takes time to train foolish selfish behaviour out of a man if he's been raised to think of himself as a little prince. Correcting his bad behaviour has been good for our marriage. We have had discussions about it and he does agree. He says his dm pandered to his late dad that way, and seemed to accept it as her lot. Retraining a man out of it is good for him, your marriage and your children's perception of what a healthy equal partnership should be.

Has he got the poorly voice?
Slight cough?

Resentment can be corrosive.

Ask me how I know...

I just dont understand this, multiple people saying they are married to someone like this, why do so many people tolerate it and accept a partner that isnt a partner but is actually useless and a bit of a twat.

My view is you get one life, why on earth waste it with someone like this? I would love to understand. Of course you dont know in the beginning, but when you realise, why just accept oh my Husband is useless, oh well.

I would not have left with the kids, if anything I would have said im not well, you can do some parenting feeling less than 100% in the same way I have for days, I need some time to myself.

Its rubbish for you OP that you feel so lousy but you also have the ability to do something about it, you know he is useless, that isnt changing so the only person that can change the situation is you.

I have never met a man who would complain about 'stomach cramps' unless they had a volvulus and were about to drop down dead.
What a fucking baby. And why the fuck would a darkened house ease stomach cramps? Did you tell him to either use some OTC medication, see a doctor or shut up. Tell him he's not as ill as you so tough tits.

I'm so fucking glad I'm single

There's a link in the post above mine. We all know someone like that I think. Pain in the arses they are.

I like the idea of getting in their first and telling he dares to say he's ill just to get out of parenting. He might squash it.

Good grief! Thank you

Of course it’s unattractive, surely it’s worse than that, it would be a deal breaker for me if he genuinely is just pretending to be ill while you are poorly he’s an awful father and husband. If he can’t see that he should step up and help you i don’t know why you would continue this relationship to be honest.

Someone who likes to one up people. If you say you've been to Tenerife, they've been to elevenirife

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Elevenerife

It’s as if they see sympathy or rest as being a pie, and if you’re ill they worry you’ll nick their bit of it, so they quickly have to reassert their right to claim it. It’s infuriating.

when/if you can be bothered maybe you could wonder aloud where he picked up his bug. Couldn’t have been from you, as yours isn’t a bug. Maybe he needs to wash his hands better when he’s at work or out and about 🤔

What on earth is an elenarif
Before anyone suggests I google it, I have. Nada

I doubt I would have got with a man who was like this in the first place.
DH is the opposite - won't admit when he's ill (which is not often, admittedly), goes off out running when he's ill.
Still, better than the alternative.

My husband is a bit like this. I had a very awful flu a month or so ago and as I started feeling unwell, knowing it was going to be bad I basically threatened him. I said if you even mention feeling unwell to me I will smother you with a pillow. He got a bit ill after I was recovered (probably tired from having to do things round the house) and did actually look after me. I think being called out on it ahead of time made him realise I knew perfectly well that he says he's ill to get out of pulling a bit of extra weight when I'm unwell. It's hard to call them out on it when they've already said they're unwell because they just clamp down harder and act like you're being very unfair.

I don't even know if they realise they're doing it or if it's some sort of modern evolutionary thing that kicks in because some men are so hardwired to be lazy shits

Hope you feel better

I can understand why you don't feel you have the energy to tackle this right now - but you really should.

She's literally said she doesn't have the energy. It's what he's counting on, so it's probably not helpful to start on with it here as well.

You need to point it out to him while its obvious the unfairness of you carrying on with childcare etc whilst ill - yet he doesn't.

He knows it's unfair. That's why he does it.

Putting it simply - if you don't tell him this behaviour is putting you off him - how is he supposed to change?

The same way women manage to change: by knowing their behaviour is selfish and stopping it before their partner leaves them. Are you seriously suggesting OP is responsible for changing this man by telling him that his deliberate selfishness is off-putting?

I really think it's because women are socialised to see being in relationships as where they get their worth and value. Even if they're the one doing everything to keep it together/get it going in the first place.

I’ve got one of these too.

Does he have a special ill voice?

Why have you left the house with the kids while he gets to stay in OP?

Read the fucker the riot act. Give him the kids, have a good feed and go to bed for a bit. Don't martyr yourself.

Seriously dude, get the fucker told in decibels.

Loving how só many posters divorced these pricks!