I know this sounds like I'm expecting him to ask permission, but I'm not; quite the opposite in fact. Hear me out. My DH(M39) and me (F38) work for the same company both full time. We have DS (11). Now the company are doing a 'fun day' party type thing at the office in a couple of weeks time. Working at the same company we are obviously both invited. When it was announced a couple of months ago I asked DH if he was going and he grumpily told me it wasn't his sort of thing, so no, he'd stay out the office that day. Fast forward to today, and while I'm cooking dinner, DH gets back from the office and tells me "he can't remember if he mentioned it" (he didn't because it turns out it was only agreed a few hours ago) but after this fun day, some male colleagues and himself are going to the pub. At no time (not even after our row tonight) has he asked me if I'm planning to go to this fun day or show any interest in my plans.
Like a lot of parents, even without the added pub trip there would be the school run to consider if we're both in the office on the same day. So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?" At which point DH picks up my annoyance and starts hypothetically roping in our parents to babysit. I got really annoyed and said that we work at the same place, we have childcare to consider we really need to be talking to each other in the planning stage and not presenting each other with "I'm doing this - it's agreed with everyone except you and the babysitters". DH has a history of presenting me with his plans in this way and if childcare is an issue just assuming the grandparents will step in, without actually checking with them. This fun day thing is a relatively minor issue on its own, but tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.
DH has called me deranged for being annoyed. He tells me he'll pull out from the pub trip "if it will make me happy" as if he's being the good guy here, instead of the guy who doesn't talk to his wife about any of his plans, assumes others will deal with the childcare and who apparently can't say to his male colleagues 'I'll just check who's doing the school run and get back to you.' DH says that what I'm expecting from him isn't normal. It's not even really about the pub for me, it's about me now not being able to attend a work thing without any discussion - the grandparents won't be able to step in because they don't like to drive in the dark and it will be dark early, and I actually think there is some sort of school concert that evening too, which I've not even bothered reminding him of.
DH routinely presents me with complete 'this is happening' plans that have knock on affects to childcare (not to mention my plans) and I have to either smile, nod and deal with it, or point out some objection and be accused of "stopping him." I'm currently annoyed but remarkably calm. DH has had a complete hissy-fit and says he'll never make plans or go out again and that it's always like this. I am not his mum, I don't want to be presented with his plans for me to grant permission or get in his way, I want DH to be talking to me about his plans as he arranges them, like a grown up who is part of a family unit. I don't event book a hairdressing appointment without checking childcare is covered and it doesn't inconvenience anyone first.
Thank you for reading, that was cathartic. I guess I need to ask, have I got this wrong, AIBU?