DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

Drop the rope @Poppyfie1ds . Stand firm.

It's his fuck up he has to sort, the more you do the worse he will become. Ignore his sexist crap.

His comments about checking with you I would tear apart. He had the opportunity to use an adult solution, a shared calendar but he was incapable.

His lack is the reason you both can't use a shared calendar. Exactly how do you plan your events, does he not value as an equal.

So it is either be an adult or be treated like a child who can't manage cooperation.

Ugh, yep, that would drive me nuts too. He’s going to keep doing this if you’re always going to be the one to give up your plans though. When he told you, why not just say “ok but don’t forget I have the work thing, so you’ll need to arrange childcare if you’re now going out” and then leave him to it? You’re taking on the responsibility of his fuck up and making it your problem, instead leave it to him.

I would just say “fine, but your organising childcare because I won’t be there remember?”

I'm just wondering why you can't go to the fun day part and return home and he can go to the pub bit and come home after that? Is there a logistical reason why that couldn't be done so you both get to enjoy at least part of the day?

Don't hold on to your annoyance - he's being selfish. Just tell him "Great - you pulling out of the pub trip works" and make him pull out and do the childcare. If he expects you to say thanks, just say, "You want me to thank you for doing a father's duties?"

Go and enjoy the fun day!

So your solution is that OP - who from the sounds of it rarely goes out - has to leave by a certain time so her DH can go to the pub? Oh and presumably she also then gets to drive back to the school for the evening performance.
All this rather than the parent who said they didn't want to attend the work party and knew his DW was going to, simply doing the parenting for one evening like he was meant to.

There's being collaborative and there's being a doormat.

Can people stop saying “childcare” or “babysitting”?
it’s called parenting. He obviously doesn’t want to be a parent and he doesn’t need to be as OP will do it for him.

what a prince

Why can't he pick up? You go to the work thing, then swap, and he goes to the pub. Relationships work better when they are collaborative rather than in the trenches firing rockets at each other.
The communication is poor my solution means both get to do what you want.

Am I missing something here? There’s a works thing happening that he doesn’t want to go to. But he wants to meet up with his friends for a drink after the thing. Are you intending on going to it? Did you discuss that with him? It really sounds like you’re making a big deal of this. My DH and I often do things separately. We don’t ask each other, we make arrangements, put it on the calendar then sort out the finer details later. When our DC were young, we’d sort childcare out between us nearer the time.

Totally on team @Poppyfie1ds, DH is normally ok but seems to have a habit of forgetting any arrangements I make, more through sheer forgetfulness than anything.

The one thing I would say is that your DS is 11. I get that the public bus is unreliable but this is a good age to get him used to taking it from time to time when it is needed and gradually building up his independence. Presumably he has a mobile so can call if the public bus doesn't turn up.Otherwise you will be dealing with the school run for another 7 years.

Yeah, I’d be pissed off too. My ex-husband used to do the same. I’d just be informed of the evenings he’d be going on the piss over the next few weeks and it was expected I’d stay home with the kids. I was never invited and if I ever dared to suggest I’d like to do something in three months time then it was met with sighs and moans as he didn’t want to ‘babysit’ (his own children).

What a baby, no offence to actual babies.

My exH would repeatedly prearrange things that got in the way of my freedom/fun/plans, then either squirrel out of responsibility with weaponised incompetence or gaslighting. And when that didn't work, straight-up abuse.

Everyone thought he was affable and fun. He was extra helpful to anyone other than his own family. It was a prison partly made up of my own blind "kindness".

Agree with pp.

Advice: don't justify and explain yourself, just tell him what is or is not happening. Say no more often.

Cant you have shared work calendars? We had school pick ups and night outs noted in there.
we also had a shared one note for longer term plans

Exactly this
He phrased it in a way that backed you into a corner. Just smile and say thanks and let him do the childcare

I think this is the key. At some point you’re going to have to do this. He is getting his (unreasonable) way because you relent when he huffs and is bad tempered. You are being manipulated by his emotions. Hold the line - he offered to cancel, let him feel that pain and take up his offer.

And no you are NOT deranged - but he is being manipulative and entitled and stubborn.

Everyone else already made a lot of the points I would make about him being an idiot etc...

However one thing struck me that i wanted to ask: Is there any truth in it, when he says you're always huffy/finding issue with his plans? Could that be why he puts it off telling you? Looking at that completely from his side, would you come to that conclusion?

This isn't just about one argument. You have bigger issues in your marriage and this should highlight them to you. He puts his needs and wants above you and his child. You are expected to fall in line and when he doesn't get his way resorts to name calling. You are a family so not unreasonable to check in with each other. Whilst you hadn't explicitly stared you were going to the fun day you had implied that you were and anyway he has stated that it wasn't his thing and he didn't want to go. He's changed the goalposts and then got in a hump and gaslit you. These are the issues that I couldn't and wouldn't put up with. If you are the only one that ever considers your child in plans you make and life in general would it not just be easier to get rid of the dh so you don't have a dead weight to deal with too? As ypu acquiesce him the resentment and frustration will only build.

For now I'd likely tell him a few home truths. However, you might have different boundaries to me so telling him you are going to the fun day and he will be doing the school run, collections might be the best approach.

Definitely do this. and don't feel one iota of guilt. He feels none.

Challenge him and be direct.

"Why do you expect me to change plans to accommodate yours? You knew I wanted to go to the fun day and now you're telling me I can't. How is that fair?"

"If I'm a "terrible wife who won't let you go anywhere", why are you still married to me?"

"I always cave and change plans to accommodate you (give example) and it stops now. Stop trying to guilt trip me"

"You've really taken the shine off of what was meant to be a nice day that you actively said you weren't going to attend. That's really sad"

This

Have you ever pointed out he’s not letting you do things as the dc are joint responsibility.

I'd remind him that he was working from home so doing school pick up and there is a school concert that night. Don't get involved in anything else .

I got a summer tutoring job one year on fairly good money. I started it and all was going well, Ex was also on holidays and had our dc while I did this. Then he was offered some work as well. Rather than arranging things so we could both do our jobs, he just left me to have dc. I tried taking her to the tutoring job but it didn’t work and I had to give it up.

at the end of the summer Ex told me he’d paid his overdraft off thanks to the job he did. My overdraft was very much not paid off.

My relationship was actually emotionally abusive, which is what concerns me with this. Hopefully it doesn’t go that far, but gaslighting and silent treatment, grumping etc are not good behaviours to face in a relationship.

It's his child

How can he babysit his own child?