DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

That’s not what marriage counselling is. They help you (re)learn to communicate with each other. You’ll be asked to listen, really listen, as much as you talk. I would highly recommend it particularly if you’re not happy with your own behaviour either - even if it is provoked!

He sounds like a dick. LTB

“Even with DS using the bus, an adult still has to be 'on duty' in case the bus doesn't turn up or breaks down as has happened. It's a rural bus there is no other bus 10 mins later or 5 minutes walk on the other road. DH thinks I worry unnecessarily about such things. Perhaps he's right - but again is ensuring a plan B for our kid so they don't ever have to try to walk miles along 60mph country lanes in the dark, so unreasonable?”

Not the purpose of this thread but…

If course that happens but is it likely? Is there literally no other bus that day or will there be one 30mins/an hour later? Presumably other children will be getting this bus, what do they do if the bus doesn’t appear etc? If they rely on parents, is there no other other parent that could pick him up and drop him home in this unlikely instance?

TBH I’m with your DH on this one. He’s old enough to get the bus and be home alone for a couple of hours. And to be problem solving if buses don’t turn up. If there are things you don’t want him to do in this instance, such as walk home alone in the dark down 60mph roads then tell him and talk him through what to do if bus breaks down/doesn’t appear if you don’t think he can work it out or there are lots of things you definitely don’t want him doing.

if you want to raise independent, confident children, you need to let them do things themselves on their own, and experience problems and give them the opportunity to deal with them.

Nope YANBU, like most husbands, including mine, they like to live like bachelors. My DH does the same to me, only the thing he always says is ‘I told you this’ when he 100000% didn’t, so the problem isn’t the event I didn’t know about, the problem becomes the fact I ‘forgot’ something he didn’t tell me ha ha

God he sounds horrid and thoughtless.
whats the point of him?

This!

I also rarely have evening things on to prevent DH from going on (rare) pub trips etc.

But on the occasions I do, the deal is that whoever arranged second has to sort our the childcare. I don't just become the default ringer of babysitters because he decided he wants an evening out at the same time.

Blokes are just as capable of picking up a communication device and using it to make arrangements. For all sorts of things!

They'd just prefer not to if a wife is available to teflon their way through life for them!

I'd also consider whether you would want to continue in your current role in the same company if you were divorced

Does he also assume you're going to pick him up after this night in the pub?

So basically he's skipping the fun day because he doesn't fancy that; meeting everyone for drinks and therefore you can't attend the event which you did want to do and informed him of such [?] or go on for some post fun chat with colleagues.

I think that given this is a recurring issue and he's being a total dick, I'd be dying on this hill to be honest. He can arrange the pick up/school run even if he has to pay for a cab for your son.

Too late now, but instead of saying "so I guess I'll be doing the school run" (as it does sound passive aggressive and likely to immediately raise the other person's hackles/defences), a better reply might have been "OK, well you know I'm going too. I'll leave it with you to figure out the school run."

In the meantime, the goose is good for the gander. You need to start saying no to him more regularly, rather than just bending over backwards to accommodate him. He's making your life awkward without any consideration for you.

As PP have said, a few times of saying no, or doing the same to him and he should learn how infuriating it is.

If he doesn't, and it's still your fault somehow, I'd suggest a "would you be this disorganised if we were divorced and this happened on one of your days with DS, or am I just your default backup plan to everything?"

Then have a serious think about LTB.

He'll just have to stick to his begrudging changed plan then wont he?
You're letting him get away with it because you concede.
Just stick to your guns... when he presents you with something 'that is happening' just tell him you hope he's sorted out childcare because youre not available.
And repeat.

Just to say that I’ve read the updates and he really is an arsehole. Not because he’s inconsiderate and poor at planning (or wilfully incompetent) but because he’s seemingly dismissive and actually pretty mean about it all towards you.

So no, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I think you do well to put up with his lack of consideration and you’re an actual saint for not telling him where to go when he then starts on you. I’d full on draw the line at being called deranged by a man who wafted his hand at me.

They might facilitate him listening. That said, my ex was really surprised that our counsellor agreed with me that his behaviour was unequivocally unsupportive of me and would be unacceptable to most couples.

You might also be supported as a couple to communicate more effectively, or it might make you yourself see the issue(s) between you and your husband more clearly and perhaps move to a place of dealing with them differently?

You sound so downtrodden and beholden to his every whim otherwise he puts you down

I wonder if it's worth trying to find the cost of the school bus to alleviate some of the issues. Presumably they don't want the full £1k in one go and you can offset that against the additional costs in petrol and wear and tear.

Has your H always been like this or become worse recently?

Tell him "fine, you can go to the pub, but since it is YOU who is changing the established plan so that YOU can go out and have fun, then YOU are entirely responsible for arranging for someone else to do YOUR childcare."

He obviously views you as the "default parent", i.e., childcare is primarily your responsibility, and he will "help out" if he feels like it, but if he doesn't then it falls back onto you.

Maybe scare him into stop being a prick. Ask him if he'd rather be single living on his own. Because that can be arranged...

Avoid going to couples counselling with the expectation that the counsellor will take sides.

@Poppyfie1ds at 11 is it not possible for your DS to be in the house on his own for a short while and try getting the unreliable public bus on occasion?

I mean your H is still an ass hat but it does seem restrictive for two working DPs to need to daily school runs for a secondary Aged DC.

The op wasn't invited to the pub; the pub from the op's side is a red herring. Both parties are arranging things haphazardly without considering each other.
It all sounds extremely complicated for no reason.

The original poster can follow Mumsnet's guidance; she can leave as suggested and manage most things on her own while trying to communicate about finances and their son with an ex.😂

You actually drive your son to collect him - stop facilitating him stand up and say I am going and therefore if you want to sort it you sort it - don’t step in don’t sort it and go

That would have been a much better response than your passive aggressive “So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?"” Sounds like there are communication problems on both sides.

Of course he shouldn’t assume you are automatically available for childcare.

Going foward, would it help to get some kind of paid childcare in place?