DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

Sadly you aren't going to change this behaviour without some fall out as he doesn't think there's a problem and instead of trying to understand he'd rather huff and puff and make you doubt your own mind. So you either communicate plainly about what's fair or not and expect the fall out,ride it out and hope he learns over time ,work around him or get out.

Man child

I told my DH year ago if it isn’t on the calendar then he cannot bank on it happening. And obviously when you put something on the calendar, you have to ensure that there isn’t anything clashing or problematic going to be caused.

He needs to grow up, realise that he’s part of a family, rather than a pampered little twat.

Didn't read them all but just practical stuff...
We have a google calendar as well - first come, first served for the most part but of course we figure things out as needed. But if there's an optional 'let's go to the pub' and my DH sees that I'm out that night he finds another time. Work stuff and random childcare stuff we figure out together. We both work full time, have two kids with endless activities and are immigrants so don't have grandparents or anything. We have friends but we try not to rely on them too much of course!

My friends have a paper calendar on the wall that has everything on it as they're in a similar situation. It goes on the calendar or it isn't a thing.

In this specific situation sounds like you both weren't really that clear but as this is part of the pattern (1) he needs to respect your time and treat you as a partner and (2) you need to put some time into respecting your own time as well. Of course it would be great if he was already working with you as an equal but as he's not and you've fallen into the habit of letting him to this, you need to be ready to push back on the status quo which can be really hard.

We have a calendar app called “family wall” as realistically we can’t be ringing each other to check every time we need to make plans and DH has no memory whatsoever. It’s whoever gets there first if we both need the same day.

I would be fuming with DH and I would expect him to figure it out, regardless of his hissy fit.

I think you're both being unreasonable.... it looks like you didn't tell him you were going to go, but just expected him to guess thats why you asked him if he wanted to go.... also by asking if he wanted to go, you implied his wants are more important as if he said yes you wouldn't have planned to go.

When he changed plans, not realising you had made plans that night as you hadn't told him... you got upset and emotional.... that is why he belittled you. All you needed to do was to say you had already made plans and since yours were made before his, he's gonna have to organise childcare if he wants to go out. No row needed, no getting upset needed.

He sounds very much like my ex husband. He simply couldn’t get his head around being part of a family unit with responsibilities to care for each other, and thought nothing about his single, carefree life was going to change. We tried couples counselling but it was a waste of time - when the therapist asked him what his responsibilities as a husband and father were he said ‘It’s my job to take out the bins and open the curtains in the morning.’ He was never going to get it, so I left him.

Agree with family calendar.

When this has happened to us my response is "thats great, but I am already out so you need to sort the babysitter". I am quite strict on putting things in the calendar and he will check and either not go or organise a grandparent or babysitter to help.

Whilst he is being a dick you need to change the narrative.
If he wants to go to the pub, go, but you are already out and he needs to sort childcare. It's not all down to you and it isn't your problem every time to fix.

Hope your work social is fun. X

This is completely irresponsible and feckless of him, and would piss me off mightily. Pretty much all of my female friends, when they had children, would only make tentative plans until they have checked the family diaries. Not unreasonable to expect men in relationships to do the same thing - I would be furious at his attitude.

He needs to grow the fuck up.
Why are grown men so immature?!!

That’s not what happens. They help you identify underlying issues and come up with strategies to move forward in a more positive way together. It’s never about who is right or wrong. It’s about what needs you both have an how to find agreeable ways to meet them and build love and respect for each other.

In marriage counselling we learned we had to agree everything before we made firm commitments - happily agree then, not one person just living with it as it builds resentment. You basically have to work out a way of doing things that works for both of you or not do them. Then you work as a team to find solutions and stop living life independently of each other.
Exactly as you said - he could express interest to the lads but say he needs to confirm at home x

Bad choice of husband and father, thank my lucky stars i didn't end up with a prick like this. Not normal at all but loads of this kind of thing on mumsnet. Run mate, run for the hills!

Agree with this OP!

The hand waft and being called deranged?! Erm no.

He's having a tantrum because he knows he's cocked up. Whilst it's all imploded around this 1 instance, you've mentioned he has form for this so will likely just expect you to bow down and let him do as he pleases.

He's dismissing your views as valid because they don't align with his beliefs. How arrogant.

Smacks of:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

I'm kind of on the fence with this instance whereby there was no clear communication from you to say 'I'm attending the fun day' but if you say this is a regular type thing where he expects you to fall in with his plans without argument then no YANBU.

Some might be, but even they don’t usually work every evening and all weekend, and nor should they. Who do you suppose is in pubs and restaurants if it’s not people earning salaries?

Yet another DH like this here. Like you, I got sick of it. Sick of the expectation that he could make plans and I'd be available to sort everything else. And sick of feeling like a killjoy when he did mention events because I was annoyed with the frequency, cost, sense of responsibilit and the lack of repricosity.

We implemented a strict paper calendar system. For both of us, we tell our friends/colleagues that we need to check the calendar before committing to anything. Then discuss it AND write it in the kitchen calendar or the date is considered open. And he does this now. Almost every time. (But to be fair I forget sometimes too and spring things on him so it's fair)

I'm trying to remember what actually triggered the change. I think it was when we went through a bad patch and I told him that I had drawn up a list of pros and cons for staying together. That scared the shit out of him because he knew I was serious.

In this case, I think you need to hold firm. You had already discussed this date and he wasn't interested. He didn't check with you before booking a day in the office. And he didn't check with you before making plans for the pub. Some posters are saying he should go but take responsibility for making childcare arrangements, but I think this is the time to really draw a line in the sand and insist he stays home. If he sulks or tantrums about it, then I would be thinking whether he's really someone I want to be with in the long term

"Most" are working evenings and weekends? Every evening and all weekend...? Are you in the US perhaps? Or Japan? In the UK we have time off, unless you're in a handful of super-stressful industries. And yes, being a parent does bring with it a lot of added responsibilities, and you won't have as much time for socialising as you did before kids, but I think it is healthy to make time for maintaining friendships (obviously as long as the household and family aren't being neglected and it's not a case of the husband going AWOL several times a week and not leaving the wife any chance to have a break herself). But generally, yes, having a social life is healthy and good.

Yet, most salaried professionals are either working during the evenings or weekends, or otherwise dealing with chores and errands?

Er... you go to the pub after work or on weekends...

Do people not have jobs or something?

I was married to a similar fine specimen but I packed his bags before our child turned 1 as this behaviour was incompatible with being a family (in my view). I could as well walk on my own without friendly fire.

I just don't think anyone is communicating particularly well. And it sounds like you're just willing to concede straight away. He has offered in-laws, let him try and sort that out.

Him getting annoyed is him deflecting the problem away from him and on to you. It's actually a sign that he can see there is an issue with the behaviour but like hell is he taking that on board as his fault.

is he like this in other things? Is he able to accept blame and make things right elsewhere?

He is being a prick, but I don't understand form your post if you had told him (or thought it was implied-sunce you'regoing to the office) that youvwoild be attendinf the work thing? It seems communication is lacking all around!

@Poppyfie1ds I think you should say NO
Just no sorry you are getting son and you are going to concert . I have plans for fun day and drinks after. .

He will never change as the pattern has stayed the same .He acts dumb, gaslights you and you sort the mess out.

He definitely sounds like he hasn't accepted that he has responsibilities and duties to his wife and child.

I'd absolutely be letting him get in a huff and rearrange his plans which clash with my pre-arranged plans. And, I'd also be telling him to sort out childcare in future, preferably with his parents and not mine if he wants to make last-minute, known-only-to-him-and-ignoring-his-child/their grandchild style plans.

Natural consequences. If he wants to behave like a moody teenaged boy, he will be treated like a moody teenaged boy.