To not invite my neighbours son to every play date

If she retorts or comes back at you with another sad story, anger, cheeky comment say " like I said it doesn't work for me"

Just don't tell her your business.
All you have to say is no I have other plans then walk away.

I had a neighbour phone me and ask if it was right that I had gone somewhere the previous day with a mutual friend and our kids.
I said yes,she said but you didn't check if we were busy.
I said I hadn't realised she checked in with me every time she made plans with others.
At the end of the day OP you are grown adult and you can make what ever plans you like.

As a PP said, it doesn't matter what her son's behaviour is like - even if he was an angel, you still want some time with your own friends. I kind of think you should approach the two things separately - first of all reduce the amount you tell her about where you're going and who you're meeting.

Separately, when her son misbehaves as a group playdate, bring it up there and then (in whatever way you think).

Yes. Don't make this about your daughter but about you. I'M meeting a friend etc. That way it's harder for her to bust in with her son. He sounds a bit like mine was when he was younger which is why I literally never could sit down and chat because I was always watching, intervening, explaining. Mine is ASD, maybe hers is as well but how to know since she's not doing any effort in educating and teaching him social competence. I feel sorry for him because very soon all children will avoid him like the plague and then she will go on a banter about her son being excluded taking on the victim role. I can see this happening for sure if she doesn't start to parent. But it's her problem, not yours. I would just keep my daughter away from him or if they are together I would take him aside since the mum is not reacting. Do it infront of her so that she knows what is expected of her. Do not let your daughter be a punching ball because you're afraid to speak up!

I don't know if this is just a female thing but with this and other example on MN why do people always suggest long story 'excuses' why not just so 'no sorry we cant' or words to that effect

Maybe people need to practice saying no more

This is exactly what I'd do. "oh, DS is upset. Just popping over. I'll get Y and bring him over shall I?" Plonk child with mother

And as for meeting a friend, what everyone else says.

Do this.

Also if you are going to a soft play centre, you are under no obligation to bring her to/from the location as you may have other arrangements to follow up on straight afterwards.
She needs to find her own group of friends that she can do stuff with (particularly if her kid is or will soon be of school going age).

Lastly - put her on an information diet. She doesn't have the right to know what you're doing or where you're going so stop sharing with her what your plans are.

I would be straight with her. Yes it will be awkward but life is too short especially in a small town.

I'm meeting a friend and her toddler. Her toddler is a gentle soul and so it's just the four of us tomorrow OR. DD is not enjoying playing with X at the moment as he is pushing and hitting her too much. I'm sorry but she doesn't want to play with him and I am not going to make her.

If you are going to see a friend of yours, would your other adult friends expect to tag along too? No, of course not. Same for your son. Too bad for your neighbour if she finds out. She'll have to accept it. Just be honest and say your son doesn't want to play will the same person all the time, he likes variety. And don't feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong.

2 is genius... she'd be just the kind of person to take umbrage at this, then it's win/win 😂

She sounds literally incredible.

It's really not that difficult. Say no. Busy/have other plans/meeting a friend.
Don't put everything on Instagram.

Sorry, but you're making this more difficult than it needs to be, if she see's you going out, you say I am off to meet a friend, got an appointment, going to the dentist/Dr etc. Don't invite her, its not hard.
As for it being seen on instagram, don't put it on?

Learn to say no, don't tell her your plans and stop appeasing her.

Exclude her from your Insta stories. It really is that easy! Set up a ‘close friends’ list. Share Insta stories involving your child to that list.

I’ve been invited to a lunch tomorrow by Friend A. I’m already going to lunch with friends B & C (who don’t know Friend A). I’ve told Friend A I can’t make it. No other reasons required. You don’t need to ask for permission nor justify yourself.

But who cares if you are?

Is she your keeper? No!

Just do what you want and sod her!

Be brave.

I have plans today.
I am meeting a friend for a catch up.
My son has been invited to (insert whatever you're going to).
All of these work.

She’s a leech and you’re enabling her by telling her your plans. Don’t! Who cares if she sees your DC on social media? She’s not your shadow and you have a life outside hers.

If she asks why you went to soft play without telling her, be clear that you were invited by a friend who wanted a private chat. If she suggests she could have come as well, just repeat “No, my friend wanted a private chat”.

I’d have been pissed off if I was your friend.

I wouldn't even say any excuses. Just "I've got other plans today, sorry" should be enough. You don't owe her anything.

If she asks what you are doing, I would just say you are meeting up with some old friends and leave it at that.

If she gets really pushy, I guess you'll just have to say that you don't have to do everything together/you are allowed to see others!

Just tell her you’re meeting friends, not that you’re going on a play date!
Why would you even say that?

You and your DD are allowed to have other friends and do things without them. Don't give the info and yes fib if you have to.

I don't really understand. You have a toddler. So yes, allof your plans, or most of them, probably involve your toddler being present. But that doesn't mean that she has to come along to everything. If she sees an insta story, or bumps into you , or someone mentions they saw you and she asks why she wasn't invited you say, "I was catching up with Jane" or whatever. The fact that you have two children of similar ages is a red herring here.

Look you are either going to have to set boundaries with this neighbour or you are going to lose all your other friends because they won’t want to meet up with you if your neighbour and her child are always there as well. So you’ll be stuck with only having pushy neighbour as a friend and your child will have no friends apart from nightmare child, deal with this now stop being such a wet lettuce.

She doesn't have to approve of everything you do or be involved. It isn't a normal expectation. She's pushy. Make your responses less child centric and grow a thicker skin. That doesn't mean avoid the group, it means accept she may not like everything you say and that's fine. She isn't your responsibility.

This woman is unhinged.
Pull as far away as you can.
She will only get worse the more you indulge her.

I agree with others. Why would you say you are going on a play date.

You are meeting up with an old friend. No one can expect to be tagging along with two friends meeting. That's fucking weird.

If she asks why she can't come just look askance and say no. You barely see this friend and you have a lot of stuff to catch up on and pull a perplexed face.