ExH brought his dog in my house without permission

I wouldn’t let a person like that into my life, no.

I think you've handled this situation with more grace than most would have done, OP. I could never be cruel to an animal, no matter who owned it.

I also think you've probably learned a very hard lesson to make your home a safer space that he can no longer violate in future. There is a special place in hell waiting for men like this.

I disagree and have not bullied you OP, nor have I caused trauma to your DC. I wish you well.

Sure but its obvious from OP’s answers that she is doung her best to maintain boundaries safely. Its an abusive relationship. Your solutions are blunt snd not available to OP for a host of reasons that she has explained including retaliation and escalation by her ex.

I'm really not trying to badger OP. But posters encouraging/guilting OP to hang onto this dog are part of the problem. If OP doesn't implement boundaries, nothing changes for her and the cycle of abuse may continue for her children as abusive Dad/abused Mum is the norm to them. We shouldn't be encouraging women to stay there. But I'll leave it there. I genuinely wish you well OP.

@Whatwillbreaknext If you had left dog at vets/in a built up area it would likely have been caught and rehomed when it became obvious there was no one in the country to care for it. Instead, it is stuck with this dick heads games and mistreatment. He knows how to guilt you into getting into line and until you say 'no, I need to prioritise my boundaries here' it will carry on. I'm really not attacking but until you change your response, nothing will change.

It’s very easy to say this, however if this had been my ex and I’d abandoned the dog he’d have gone on a rampage. You can’t grey rock your way out the crosshairs of a person so nasty and twisted and so intent on making your life a misery. I had no contact whatsoever with my ex but it didn’t stop him spending seven years carrying out calculated acts of revenge to try to intimidate me and destroy my life regardless. And we didn’t even have kids.

Honestly you sound like have no idea.

Stop badgering her. She is trying to deal with a very manipulative, abusive, bully while also managing the children’s hopes and illusiions.

OP I do think you, ultimately, need some help reframing and defanging your ex’s psychological abuse. He is a high conflict/narcissistic abuser so has typucal strategies that are going to be repetitive and obvious.

while he was on speaker phone I would have burst out laughing at his excuses and minimizing and made fun of him. “Daddy is so impractical! He doesn’t understand how little flexibility and money working people have. Ddog needs constant care which working mummy can’t give it. Ex daddy should have asked first and thought the situation through. Silly daddy! Good thing I fixed his mess up!”

Whenever your children explain his reasoning just point out the logical or empathetic flaws in it. They need to learn how to understand and predict his toxic games .

The phrase we use now is “tricky” not bad or evil. We might say “daddy is a bit tricky! His plans don’t usually work out well.” Or “daddy is a bit tricky—he seems to offer things with strings attached.”

I am glad you are happy with your life and situation with your ex 😊 but should you ever wish to change it, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I say this from both personal and professional experience. I wish you well OP.

Is was a test OP. He said jump, you said 'how high?' and he was reassured you are still fully under his control. He likely already had someone lined up but he needed to see you get it line first. If you had left dog at vets/in a built up area it would likely have been caught and rehomed when it became obvious there was no one in the country to care for it. Instead, it is stuck with this dick heads games and mistreatment. He knows how to guilt you into getting into line and until you say 'no, I need to prioritise my boundaries here' it will carry on. I'm really not attacking but until you change your response, nothing will change. I'm so glad it is sorted with the dog though.

I admire you so much, well done in staying strong and true to yourself 👏🏻

This, 100%. People advising you as if he's not abusive...

'because mum doesn't want him there' and 'she doesnt care where he goes as long as hes out of her house'

He's not your dog!

It's fine to not want him there due to cats & the hours you are out at work!

Does your son know where the dog will be going so that he can help if he wants to?

At least demand that he transfers you money for dog food!

This is a good idea, Ex is almost certain to have a stash of dog food in his flat.

You seem to have access to your Ex's flat. In that case I would go there and get more food for the dog - assuming Ex has bought enough at home for usual feeding - and perhaps some food/meals for your kids, since they're his kids too he won't mind supplying some food for them?

I can see why he's an ex, what a tosser.

Your DC seeing you accept abuse isn't good for them either. At some point, you will need boundaries. It is not victim blaming, it is the truth, it will not stop until you stop allowing it to happen.

Once again vets do not offer a free kenneling service for healthy animals. Thry are likely to direct the OP to the dog warden who IS responsible for abandoned but well dogs. Given how much people hate paying vet fees it's remarkable the free services they expect to be offered!

The kids let him in technically he was invited

You could have taken the abandoned dog (yes it has been abandoned) to a vets for example and say you found it. Agreeing to care for this dog is going to go against any NMO applied for. You need to take some responsibility and put boundaries in place, the courts and police will not help with low level controlling behaviour and the more you give in, the more he will take and the less seriously you will be taken by authorities. 'This man is harassing me, you looked after my dog last week' ect. You need boundaries and the Freedom programme will help with that.