Not visiting for Christmas

YABU

Your sister has the right to spend Christmas as she chooses without being made to feel guilty.

No one is selfish or wrong for spending Christmas exactly how they want to. It’s not a moral obligation. Why not take your dad at face value when he said it’s fine? You sound like you think you’re superior to your sister for having kids.

I think that's a good attitude OP - I agree with you that I wouldn't be a fan of how your sister has behaved but also it isn't your responsibility and you certainly can't travel. You are responsible for your own actions (which are completely understandable) and your Dad will be fine for one year.

It really is fine. You are both allowed to have the Christmas you want to have. It’s just one day. It is possible to travel with a new baby and a toddler assuming you don’t need a passport, though you probably will have needed to plan ahead and book a place to stay if you want extra space. Your sister is perfectly okay not having a family Christmas this year. It’s just one year. If your dad was so unwell that this could be his last Christmas, I think it would be right if you both went, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

Can you hunt around to dad’s friends to prime someone to offer him an invitation? He may just prefer to be at home, but at least would give him the option.

I personally wouldn't act like your sister as I feel a moral obligation to my family and would hate the thought of a lone old man on his own at Christmas. But he has said he's okay with it. If he's not, he should say it.

He might be looking forward to having a quiet day by himself. I'd be really sad, but I'm not him.

Make sure to video call him more than once on the day, and then visit when your baby is a bit older. Next year you can go back to your usual set up :)

Not really the point but you said your mum has said she'll come to you - did you invite her or did she invite herself?
I'd feel pretty guilty as well if it means your poorly dad was on his own but if you really can't travel and your sister wants to do her own thing then there's not much you can do about that.
Is your dad really too ill to travel? Or does he fancy a quiet Christmas this year?!

How much notice have you given all your family members (mother, father, sister) that you wouldn't be visiting?

I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard when you want what you perceive as the right thing and others seem to put themselves first.

Plan your Easter trip in advance this year to try and get everyone together then.

Urgh. This attitude sucks OP sorry. You can't judge her for not going when you're not going. She's not your stand in

You know your dad best. Is there anything he would enjoy that you could send to make sure he can have a nice Christmas when he's not feeling well and might not feel up to cooking something special? Christmas hamper, meats and cheeses, Christmassy flowers, that sort of thing? And you could Skype/FaceTime him on the day. It's not perfect, but I'm sure there are things you could do to make him feel loved and thought about on the day even if you can't physically spend it together.

I don’t think a single person is condemning OP for not travelling, posters are simply making the point that it’s not fair on OP to condemn anyone else for their decision either. A baby isn’t the only reason to want to stay in your own home for Christmas.

Several weeks in a hospital? just because you had a bad experience with the first doesn't mean you will for the 2nd
And you want a room for each child? Jesus, a separate room for a toddler AND a 10-day-old baby, and you!

You don't get to load your guilt onto your sister. She is am independent person who has decided to spend it with her boyfriend. Completely understandable.

Unfortunately due to your circumstances you can't travel. That doesn't mean she now has a moral obligation in your behalf.

Your father has said he is fine. Your comments about your sisters choice are unfair and unjust. . " shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come ..."

That isn't moral compass that is passive aggressive thinking.

Not spending a holiday with someone is perfectly reasonable.

I would feel the same way as you but at the same time I can see that your sister may be trying to avoid a situation where you stay home every year with your growing family while she (not having children) is responsible for ensuring that your parents both spend Christmas with one of their children.

The real problem is the fact that your father isn't well enough to travel, which means this situation will arise repeatedly. I think you have to take him at his word and be glad that (if we're being honest) most men don't place as much meaning on big family days as women do. I would arrange a trip to see him sooner than Easter personally, but I don't know how far you live.

You could travel if you really wanted to. Having a baby and toddler doesn't stop that but you don't want to, which is fair enough. It's also fair enough your sister doesn't want to.
Perhaps she thinks your excuse is rubbish and she hopes your decision comes back to bite you.
Equally your dad probably will be fine. My dad would be thrilled if no-one visited him at Christmas, he only celebrates for the grandchildren.

Think your dad has been lucky to be invited to your mum’s for so long. Does he have any other relatives/friends he can see over the festive period, if not actually on Christmas Day?

Those of you who are condemning the op for not travelling miles with a toddler and young baby are very unreasonable. This is always how it starts. One member with kindness and a conscience is always the default go to for every crisis. I agree that the sister should not be obliged to go. Christmas is special for lots of people not just the older generation. As I said earlier, your new family is your priority and your dad will understand.

@OhHellolittleone you sound like a piece of work. You hope it will come back on your sister because she… wants to spend Christmas in her home with her partner? That’s also very selfish of you tbh - you want your sister to be unhappy just to assuage your own guilt. I know you’re upset and I imagine stressed with your imminent arrival but no need to wish bad things on people just because they’re not all doing what would make you happiest.

How do you know there’s no extenuating circumstances? My sister would have no idea if I was depressed, pregnant, undergoing tests for medical stuff, secretly engaged - and definitely wouldn’t know my boyfriend’s circumstances.

Even if there are no circumstances, she’s allowed to make choices that are a bit selfish occasionally- she’s leaving her Dad to choose to either spend one single Christmas Day with friends or alone, she’s not abandoning him.

You have done exactly what suits you and your family (had another baby, invited your Mum to visit you), I think it’s unfair and selfish to expect your sister to soothe your mind about your Dad or protect you from the imaginary judgement of his friends by making arrangements to suit you and not herself.

As for your requirement that you need multiple guest rooms for your visits… the mind boggles. Just all share whatever space is available and make the best of it like everyone else does when they visit family, or book a nearby Airb&b. You sound very rigid and quite selfish yourself.

@OhHellolittleone you’re put off travelling to your father’s because you want your 3 month old baby to have its own room. Your reasons aren’t any less selfish than your sisters.

I also have a baby and a toddler (and 2 dogs) ... if you wanted to go, it's not an impossible task.

its completely unreasonable to expect your sister to have to go just because you may find travelling a bit of effort. She's a grown adult and can do whatever she wishes, as can you.

Yabu.

Your reasons for not going aren’t exactly extenuating circumstances either. If you really want to go there, it could easily be pointed out that considering his circumstances and him being unwell, you could be going to see him with your kids/ his grandchildren for Christmas and be making memories and taking pictures instead of trying to guilt your sister into it.

Please let this go. I am sure your dad loves you and would be upset if he knew this was worrying you. Allow your Dad the dignity of knowing his own mind. As each generation of children come into the family things evolve. Most Grandparents accept this natural shift in expectations.