To go on the school trip or should I leave my child to go herself and hope for the best?

I was humming and hawing. But having read your update I do not think you should go. It’s healthy for both of you to have time apart and this is the ideal opportunity.

It will also be nice for you to have a break.

I’ve heard parenting described as being closely tied to your child by a rope, which you let out gradually until they are right at the end of it. Time to start paying it out 😊

I think the helicopter parent comment is mean, I totally understand your worries

😂

As they need parent helpers I think you could go to reduce the stress your daughter may feel - you'll be there in the background for support if she needs it, but if she doesn't you're just another parent helping out.

She's only 11, and I don't that you will impact on her development or independence, she's little and not all kids mature at the same time. Kids need to feel secure to develop independence. If she's the same at 16, then that's becoming a problem.

I think you sound very caring, not smothering - if you were, you wouldn't think twice about attending.

I like the wobbly stone analogy. I'd go. I don't think children 'learn' independence by being made to do things they don't want to do. If she was 15 it would be different but 11... I have a Dc that age, they are still kids. Sometimes they want their mum.

No you shouldn't go.
It could cause a lot of problems. You might not have her in your group (many schools put the parent helpers in different groups to their children). That could cause all sorts of problems if she's wanting you around but you're supposed to be supervising other children. Even if she's in your group you might not be able to supervise the other children properly if she's going to be clingy.

She should go on the trip without you.

Our primary school does residential trips from Year 3 onwards (usually 2 nights) so by Year 6 the children are used to them. My DS mentioned on the Year 6 one last year though that another child was upset on the first evening from feeling homesick. Far from laughing at the upset child, they all did their best to comfort him (and the centre staff were lovely too).

The class has the usual broad mix of personalities, but something they have in common is that they are kind to each other. Nobody would be laughed at for that, and even if one kid did do something unkind or failed to read the room (eg laughing at another's distress) other kids would soon put them right (again, nicely, because that's how they are). This is just an ordinary primary too.

I'd talk to the school because they might prefer you not to go, if they have enough other parents volunteering. If your DD is likely to be anxious (either genuinely or because she picks up on your feelings) the teachers might worry that you would be distracted and not able to support the other children properly. Also, if DD does get upset you won't be able to leave with her or sit out activities if you are required to be around for other pupils. Reassure DD that if you aren't there, you will actually be better able to pick her up if she gets upset enough that the teacher thinks she should leave

Teachers will have dealt with nervous kids on these trips before and it's really not a big deal. In much the same way that those who cry at drop off in the morning soon calm down when parents leave, it's something the teachers expect to deal with and they don't need the cryer's parents around to assist.

Children grow up when they are ready, not when they are forced into situations they are not comfortable in. I have always been a complete helicopter parent to ds who is autistic. He is now at 18 living away from home and not giving me a second thought! That's because he always had a lot of support and was allowed to do things when he was ready - and he knows I'm always here for him. He feels secure, that's what builds healthy resilience.

Why don't you just ask DD if she'd like you to go?

I am surprised you would be allowed to go being a parent. We are not allowed parents of our children on trips.

My manger had this. She still has to sleep with her son as he's so anxious. They stayed nearby when her son went in residential, in case of issues. He had no idea. He had a brilliant time. And they had a mini break. Could you do that instead? Definitely don't go on thr trip itself.

The advantage of a primary school residential is that it will be with teachers and pupils she already knows.

If she does her first residential at secondary, then there is no guarantee that the teachers leading it are ones that have ever taught her, and some of the other pupils on it will be ones she's never met because they're not in any of the same lessons. And you definitely wouldn't be invited.

So I think it's worth her taking the opportunity at primary - without you, so she knows she can do it.

DD's primary had an excellent first residential - two days on the school field. A company brought tents and did team-building and outdoor activities with them. The PTCA cooked breakfast for them. If they needed the toilet in the night, it was far less scary because it was just their ordinary school toilets they were used to. If they really weren't coping, it was easy for parents to collect. And for those who really weren't ready for the camping overnight, they could join in until bedtime and return in time for breakfast, so they didn't miss everything else.

Do you ever leave her in the evenings? If you haven't yet, another staging post might be going out and getting her a babysitter, late enough that she has to go to sleep before you're back.

I would go.
They need parent helpers, they've specifically asked. It's not as if you're gate-crashing a school trip.
Your daughter will have a great time, she'll be able to relax and enjoy her semi-independence, comfortable in the knowledge that you're not far away. And it won't be like being at home - you'll have to help out with other kids too - so she'll still have to learn to be away from you. It just won't be as scary as it would if you weren't there at all.

I worried about my 11 year olddaughters residential trip. She went ahead and had a ball.

Hmm - I'm going to go against the grain here. Presumably you will be sharing with another adult so given neither of you have absolutely no experience of this AND little opportunity AND the school are looking for volunteers it seems like a potential hands off way to loosen the strings.

Talk to the school - can you be put with other kids during the day so you see her at mealtimes and wave her off to bed. You're reassuringly "around" but not with her.

In the meantime, I'd start arranging some sleepovers at yours. They are usually reciprocated and will be considerably shorter than 3 days unless you are friendly with some seriously masochistic parents 😂

This is good advice.

What a helpful comment.

I wouldn’t go but I can see why you are tempted. She won’t be the only child that is anxious, there will be others that haven’t been away from home. Talk to her teacher and maybe agree to a phone call home if she anxious (my DD’s school did this). By going you are just saving the anxiety for the next time she goes away with school?

My daughter was like this, had one night away on a Year 5 trip and was quite tearful. Her twin brother was there as well but I’m not sure it helped. Covid hit and there weren’t anymore overnight trips. She didn’t like sleepovers and we would get a call saying she was upset and we’d have to pick her up. Managed a couple of sleepovers last year. However she had an overseas residential in Year 9. We talked to her about what it was she felt anxious about, it was us not being near but also not having any time to herself. She went away and was really tearful the first night, held it together the second and then was fine.

I wasn’t worried about her not liking sleepovers, I figured she would eventually work it out, and she has, it I’m glad she was able to go abroad as an experience to look back on. It is also a stepping stone to the next ‘scary’ thing. She has done something difficult for her that and can face another challenge and it will be ok. I’m not a helicopter or nervous parent, I just recognise that she finds some things harder than others but she will get there in the end.

i’ve no real advice other than to talk to her and try to find out what it is that she finds difficult about it and try not to stress about it either way.

It's a hard one. My eldest DC is very anxious and despite my and his teacher's best efforts he couldn't do the Year 6 residential because he felt like he couldn't cope with being away overnight so he went as a day camper. At the time he'd never even successfully made it through a sleepover so I think it was the right decision for him not to go. If I'd been given the option to go as a parent helper to have enabled him to make the trip I would have.
I remember in the build up a lot of his classmates were getting anxious about leaving their parents but they were able to be reassured and persuaded to go.
So I think it depends on your child's levels of anxiety. If it's within the normal range of nerves about being away it might be good for her to experience it without you. If it's causing major anxiety then I would go to allow her to experience the trip with the security of your being there. She's only 11 and there is still plenty of time to take smaller steps to build her independence. Some kids take longer to be comfortable with being away from home but they all get there in the end.

Tbf my first trip staying away from family - I regularly stayed with grandparents - didn't take place until I was ten, and then it was for a whole week, going away in June with a school that I'd only started going to the previous September, after we'd moved house.

Far from weeping, I think my parents couldn't wait to get shut of me for the week! 😅 It was 1981, so no mobiles and no phone calls home either.

I think you should ask the teacher what she thinks would benefit your DD more.

At 11, the security of you being there, even if you try to keep away from her might be enough that next time she would try alone.

This says it all really.

Yeah, this. Kids need to learn. They have to be away from parents for the first time at some point, and a school trip with their friends and teachers is an excellent place to start.

I had a friend who had never spent a night away from his mum until he went to uni, and ended up cancelling his place in halls to commute as he couldn't do it!!!!

He finally moved out of the parental home at the age of 32.

I would go if I were you, if they need parent helpers. It will make your DD's experience better and there is plenty of time in the future for her to get over her separation anxiety. As a teacher many years ago I remember one girl who broke her heart with homesickness at school camp (not one we would have predicted), sobbing for hours, and I thought then, this is downright cruel to keep her away from home. She's just not ready for the experience yet. Children develop in different ways at different times, and you know your DD better than anyone. Let her take her time and give the unobtrusive support she needs by being there overnight for her.

I also think it's amazing that you've got to 11 without any sleepovers with friends. When my DD was aged 8 - 12ish it seemed that either we had girls here or she was sleeping over somewhere else every weekend.