Worried about our house and socialising

Watch Stacey Solomon Sort Your Life Out.
There’s an episode about a family whose children were affected by not being able to invite their friends over.
I really recommend watching it. It may give you some helpful tips and insight.
I can’t remember the exact episode but they had two daughters.

Watch it

If you're not using the conservatory, why would visiting parents see it? You just show them into another room, you're not doing tours.

If it's the back garden that's a state, same deal , you're not doing tours.

Little kids aren't going to give a shit or notice.

Paint up your kitchen to freshen it up (or start with a few colour testers on the walls and say it's a work in progress 😂).

OP it seems like you made this post just expecting people would tell you it’s nothing to worry about and your house is fine the way it is. But you’re the one who come on here and said you’re worried, anxious, and embarrassed by the state of it. You have money (the overpayment) that can go towards this, why wouldn’t you invest a bit into sprucing it up?

You’re worried people will judge well sorry but yes they will. You’re not taking the judgement well here so I doubt you’ll take it well when it happens in person or your child’s friend makes a comment…

I don’t think people are judging, it’s that if it’s bad enough that you’re ashamed of it, there is an option to do something about it instead of restricting your social life because of it.

But, if it’s safe and clean, just invite them! If they’re judgy, then congratulations, you’ve identified someone to avoid.

You can arrange park play dates. They work in terms of encouraging friendships.

Being totally honest, my DC has a friend who has only invited him over once, when he’s been to ours a dozen times or more. My impression is that his mum is embarrassed at the state of their house. I don’t care, and my child cares even less, but he does care that he never gets to go to his friend’s house and doesn’t understand why the mum always says “we’ll have to have you over soon” but never actually follows through. Her son also constantly asks for mine to go over. I find it very frustrating, and while play dates don’t have to be precisely reciprocated, a reasonable amount of give and take is expected.

Our house was a student party house before we bought it, and is only semi-renovated, with a temporary kitchen (cement floor, yawning hole where there used to be a range, units from the mid-1980s, interspersed with bits sawn out so we could fit our fridge in!) and the garden still a building site. I just think fuck it and have people over anyway. The people we've invited come from anything from temporary rentals (DS has a few Ukrainians in his class) to minor stately homes, but no one has visibly flinched and refused subsequent invitations.

well they aren't broken then, are they?

Some of your posts are a bit misleading/confusing - I honestly can't tell whether your house is actually completely fine and you're seeing things that most people wouldn't even notice (when you say "outdated" kitchen, for example, what does that mean? Just not in the current style or properly 1980s decor?) Or whether it actually is a bit of a state.

In either case, if it bothers you then fix it, if it doesn't don't and let your dd's friends take you as you are.

If you stopped overpaying the mortgage for 6 months and saved that money and/or took a week off in the summer to do what you ca you could probably make it look at least 50% better quite easily by paying someone to do the fence, pressure washing the conservatory, trimming hedges/trees, (if that's what you mean by being overgrown to the extent you can't do it yourself). A brand new kitchen might be out of budget for now but as a pp said depending on what it's like they can be hugely refreshed for a very small amount - if you aren't confident in your DIY skills then there are companies who rewrap doors/counters etc for you.

I was lucky enough to live in a beautiful home, but as a result, I noticed the difference between my home and other people’s, even as a child.

I appreciate this sounds terribly spoiled, but I still remember from my childhood some homes I hated visiting/didn’t want to stay over.

My takeaways from these experiences are that (hopefully) your home should always be:

Clean (doesn’t need to be tidy but needs to be CLEAN, especially the bathroom).
Smell pleasant - not smelling strongly of food, pets or damp.
And finally, this seems like a small one but still bothers me even as an adult - have a clean and dry hand towel in the bathroom. There is really nothing worse than trying to dry your hands on someone else’s smelly wet towel.

If your home is clean and welcoming, guests will feel happy there. Try to relax and enjoy yourself, as happy hosts make for the best atmosphere/experience.

It's really important to recognise that it isn't your house that is stopping you from hosting playdates. It's the way you feel about the house that is stopping you. Unless there is something actually dangerous or actively unhygienic about your house, it's your own sense of embarrassment or shame or whatever it is that is potentially standing in the way of your children having the enjoyment of playing with their friends in their own home. Is that really what you want? Do you want them to pick up on the message that their home is a source of embarrassment or shame? Or would you rather set them the example of warmly (and unapologetically) welcoming their friends?

I'm not saying that in a critical way BTW, I'm just suggesting a different way of looking at the issue.

Have a bit of tidy up, make sure the bathroom and kitchen are presentable, and throw open your doors. Most kids would rather visit a relaxed, imperfect home than a perfectly curated one where they are walking on eggshells anyway.

Hi, OP -

My friendship group have mixed circumstances. One of the most popular had a house like yours for years, until she and DH felt able to remodel. The other still lives with DH in a modest bungalow they’ve not done much with though they could easily afford to.

Both are confident and love to host, and it shows. They keep their houses clean and welcoming, they know how to make their guests of all ages feel wanted. Both are very popular and so are the DC (one set now grown).

In your shoes, I would just focus on keeping the place clean and working on my self confidence.

Suggest for inspiration you check out Midwest Magic Cleaning on YouTube - really kind and gentle guidance on making an untidy house a home!

Also if you’re a bit stuck with how to tackle a room or a project look at https://goblin.tools - breaks things down for you so you don’t waste the mental energy in planning and can use it for sorting.

Im trying to be a bit tidier and make my place a bit more fancy so I’m selling stuff on ebay and putting the money aside for improvements, is this something you could do?

Agree! Time for some perspective- you own a home with a garden and conservatory! That’s more than most people on the planet! Let the rest go. Host the play dates and don’t get caught up in the house/status nonsense .

the only advice you need. My DC are at private schools and there are a huge huge range of homes - some people in giant housekeeper kept piles - and other who have put every spare penny into fees and live very very modestly.

My house is at the big pile end - but my sons friends have all sorts. The homes I enjoy being in the most are clean and relatively uncluttered - bonus points if they make me feel comfortable about making my own cup of tea and helping myself to extra biscuits. No one worth being friends with is going to judge you for your house being small if it’s clean! You can be excited about the renovation projects you’re planning one day without apologising for things (never apologise!)

have initial play dates in the park - and then when you feel more comfortable invite people back for specific fun activities - if you invite children and their parents to decorate gingerbread houses at Christmas - or play Halloween games in October - then they’ll remember the fun they had not the space.

there’s that old saying - people forget everything about you before they remember they way you made them feel. Be welcoming + fun + relaxed. You got this!

All posters saying kids won’t care I disagree, my parents were not into house maintenance or decor and I remember from a young age feeling embarrassed about our home and wishing I lived in houses like my friends, children aren’t stupid they do notice these things particularly nowadays.

At some point you have to say, 'this is us' at the moment take it or leave it, most people don't care or are even relieved theirs isn't the worst house that the kids go to!

Massive eye roll at this!! I lived in a tiny flat when my daughter was in reception, no conservatory or garden! We still had friends come to play, and we met out in the park / on beach etc. she’s 14 now and we live in a small 2 bed house with no garden, only a small yard, and she still has friends round all the time. We had 7 here on Halloween for dinner and sleepover and have similar here tonight for pre-bonfire night snacks and then they’ll go out after. Don’t let it hold you back as kids really don’t care as long as are made feel welcome.

No advice but I'm kinda in the same boat. We bought an ex rental in need of serious updating earlier this year but we can't afford to start until I've found a job (currently interviewing). I've tried to make it look as nice as possible in the meantime with nice rugs/pics on the wall/candles etc but I'm still embarrassed. I wish I could be chill and not care.

You really should prioritise the general maintenance of your home, no good paying off a mortgage on a house that needs general maintenance, decor etc can wait but things that are literally falling apart should be dealt with.

We did similar, bought a house that was a stretch (and a project) and really needed to pay down the mortgage a bit before we could really tackle the house.

The kids will not care. Me and my friends were all poor growing up and had tiny houses.

I live in a housing association flat, it's not fancy at all and my DS's friends love coming here because I am always welcoming, I have an open door policy that they're welcome at any time (within reason 🤣) and I've always got snacks in for them.

This is good advice.

If the house is clean and safe, no-one minds otherwise.

Can't you get a hose jet on the conservatory including the roof to blast off the worst? Or better yet a pressure sprayer. Put some chain link fencing up if you can't afford expensive fencing and get some cheap plants to go in front every so often to make it not look too spartan.