Friend is so bitter!

Does she have other issues, who knows, the drink blots the pain, she’ll never be ready for a new man, unless she tackles her demons.

Not to drip feed but would it make any difference if I said we also found out her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it

agree with that poster.
It doesn't need to be aggressive or mean, or raise your voice, just a calm
"X, that comment was really cruel/mean/unnecessary. We understand you're going through a lot, but there is no excuse for taking it out on the people who are trying to support you."
or "Please don't say things like that X. We understand you're.... [same sentence]"
No need to labour the point, hopefully she will say sorry, and you can change the conversation, but make sure you address it every time.

She still needs your support OP, but be careful. Her remarks criticising what you're wearing and saying she feels sorry for your DH are concerning. Don't let her start treating your DH as a surrogate husband. Keep very clear boundaries.

Sorry, but the reason he will always have been working is because the wife didn't. I'm fed up of seeing people blamed for being absent and working too hard when they're the only one with financial responsibility for the household and all the pressure that comes with. Unfortunately during a cost of living crisis and a housing crisis, when people are dumped with all the financial responsibility then they really cannot afford to lose their jobs.

If the wife had worked instead of gardening and baking bread he might have been able to be around more.

Well, I do agree, it is very unusual for a woman not to work. You have to question why she even went to university if it's been totally irrelevant to anything in her (non-existent) career.

@Cornishcockleshells how are her children?

That's absolutely rubbish for her and the children. What sort of man (or woman) just abandons their children to pursue a new love interest? What sort of woman can respect a man who does this? This is going to be really hard for your friend. You sound like a very lovely friend to her and she is very lucky to have you all and her parents, who also sounds extremely supportive. I hope she appreciates this at some level.

Very sad.
I would suggest you help her to get into the jobs market. If she is a sahm with DCs at school it’s a lonely life.
The other most important thing is to get a good divorce lawyer. She needs finances sorted in her favour - she won’t walk into a well paid job whilst running the home and the children with 0 experience.

The other thing that occurred to me was that it has been 18 months since he left, and at some point, he would move on, even if not with the OW. He could just as easily find someone else in the last 18 months, and it's long enough for a relationship to become more serious and talk about engagements/weddings, etc. - assuming that the new partner is potentially wanting kids, etc. There isn't all the time in the world for that in any case.

When WOULD it have been less of a shock to the STBXW? 2 years? 3? 5? EVER? By the sounds of it they DON'T have a constructive or successful co-parenting set up, and probably don't have any kind of dignified conversations - possibly no contact between them either, so when and how would he tell her?

I'm team woman all the way usually, but if she is like this now with her friends and acquaintances, what is she like to the Ex behind closed doors? She may have had things blissfully set up, but her H may not have been so supportive of this. He may not have been happy at all. Yup, affairs are not the way to improve a marriage, but maybe he tried talking to her, she could just as well shut him down like she's shut all the friends down since.

It's all speculation of course, but all anyone can do with her is give her the feedback and appropriate support now/future and move forwards. It doesn't sound like she wants to.

you're welcome, it's so difficult when you are the one in the middle of everything and everyone else is unconnected so they don't have the overwhelming noise that you will have in your head. i find it helps to take things down to really simple level, focus on what is right for you and your family first and foremost, what you are prepared to invest in terms of energy and time and what your boundaries are, and clearly and calmly communicate them. Simple statement on repeat if need be.

If she loses it, politely end the call/leave/whatever and tell her you are stepping away and will speak another time.

It's absolutely not right how she is behaving, but i know how hard it will be to change things. but change they must, otherwise the situation will blow up and that won't help anyone long term. Dealing with it sooner and gently will be more constructive.

You are a good friend.
Don't listen to sharp remarks on here, you do what is right (for YOU, and also your DF)

My friend has unraveled, mainly because again he has blindsided her. He told the children before telling her, and now she has to listen to her dds excitedly talking about bridesmaid dresses and a baby sister. They seem oblivious at least.
And possibly happy and settled?

Yeah like I said- it’ll be years for the dust to settle. It will also flare up when she finds a guy. And expect financial wrangling when she starts earning.

I’ve no doubt she’s a PITA rn but she doesn’t need home truths. Avoid her if she’s annoying.

Sad as it is for your friend that her ex has moved on - it has been 18 months. He left his wife and kids for this woman so of course he has gone all in. And, like it or not, he is entitled to push forward with his new relationship. Your friend has to find a way to orient herself in this new reality and stop making his choices central to her emotional state. The guy sounds like a horrible person, but that doesn’t help your friend. Nothing can help her except her own resolve to put the marriage behind her and move on, as he has done.

I'm glad you've taken on some of the advice.

I think this level of support is not healthy for HER, it is enabling selfish, rude and entitled behaviour as she is currently exhibiting. Long term so much round the clock support will stifle her growth, growth which is is vital for her to thrive. E.g, instead of still venting and ranting about being expected to work after 18 months, she should by now be taking practical steps towards planning her future.

All this support from family and friends does is INFANTILIZE her, and she is behaving like a spoilt child.

That's assuming he did it to the OP's friend. Which is doubtful to say the least given:

1. Apparently he's not into women who work, but left his SAH wife to be with a colleague;

2. She has never worked, ever, since university which strongly indicates it was her who didn't want to work;

3. She's made no effort whatsoever to find work in the 18 months since separation;

4. The OP described her friend's idyllic life as a SAHM and how she seemed to enjoy the luxury of not having to be in employment;

5. She has a track record of making nasty and bitter comments about people since the separation so you don't need to make a huge leap of face to think she might slander her ex too.

It's not uncommon during a split for more than willing SAHPs to claim during divorce that they weren't allowed to work or that they sacrificed a career. It's normally baseless and said out of spite or bitterness, to elicit sympathy and to secure maintenance. The biggest clue is normally the lengths that they are willing to go to secure more of the assets and spousal maintenance and the comparative lack of effort they make to find a job.

The fact that she is so reliant on others is not good. Her soon to be ex is not exactly helping is he? And no need for a pregnancy at this stage.
He will have plenty of unresolved issues and he’s just creating a new family to avoid them, good luck to the OW on that score.
At some point, when you hit rock bottom, the only way to feel it and move up a bit is to do so alone. It is not very pleasant, in fact it’s awful, but having friends on tap all the time just keeps you stuck. Of course, it’s great to have the support of your friends, but I have a feeling this is just going to go on and on and on.
Next it will be the endless narrative around a new marriage and baby. Like it or lump it, the DC are allowed to excited and involved.
You are a really, really good friend by the way!

This is awful. Is the OW stupid or something thinking he won't so the same to her.. your poor friend must be broken 😢

She’s going to get worse before she gets better @Cornishcockleshells

be there as long as it doesn’t harm you. Call her out regardless because it’s about time she knew that being upset at her exh and taking it out on you are not one and the same thing and she’s not entitled to do this to anyone

calling her out doesn’t need to be angry and aggressive, you can correct her gently and if she’s not listening then quietly step back and tell her that you’re going to.

So it will become clear to the OP quite soon if her friend is making the control allegations up.

Deleted after updates

Yes exactly.
Please remove this thread OP