Friend is so bitter!

Good god how dreadful!

She really needs counselling. Otherwise she’s going to lose friends.

Your poor friend, what a horrible, horrible situation. I don't have any words of wisdom but she must be absolutely devastated and you seem to be a very kind friend who is really supporting her . She's lucky to have you.

You need to tell her to stop pushing her insecurities onto you, and tell her while your life might be what hers once was - Your husband is not her husband and you cannot be to blame for your happiness where she has none right now. She also needs to help herself, you need to enable this by halting the mothering.

She needs to address the bitterness and jealousy or she’ll never be happy again. You’d be doing her a favour by having an honest but empathetic conversation with her. I think she needs to get counselling, it’s almost like a bereavement she’s gone though, probably worse actually.

She is your dear friend. I would try and talk to her and gently explain how her attitude is putting a strain on her friendships, that you want to be there for her but she is making that difficult. If she refuses to engage with that conversation then you may have no choice but to put some distance between you, at least temporarily. She is clearly her own worst enemy at the moment but don't walk away from that friendship without a fight.

Welcome to the real world. There is often a price to pay somewhere when a woman is financially carried by a man.

You’ve done a lot to support her but if she won’t take any action herself there’s nothing you can do.

If you try talking to her and she’s not interested, then distance yourself for now.

You aren’t there to be a punching bag for her, as a friend you’ve supported her but she’s making it untenable to continue to do so currently.

You sound as if you are being a very loyal friend. Next time you meet up and she is picky/unkind I would say 'Your husband left you. I don't fully understand what you are going through but I feel you are blaming me. If seeing me is upsetting you, please just say and we could meet up when you feel less resentful. I value our friendship so I'll wait for you to contact me'.

OMG just spat my coffee out. She sounds completely traumatised and needs proper psychological help. I really don’t think there is much you can do before she drags everyone down and everyone abandons her.

Definitely this, I agree. This will also serve to empower her and realise what she's been missing the last 20 or so years.
It will be a shock to the system for her though and, with zero work experience, she will have to be prepared to start at the bottom of the career ladder.

Hello - someone mentioned grief. I agree - it can make you terribly angry and also frightened. I know people say she should get a job and I agree with that too but she is probably nervous that she wont be able to get a job (how long is it since she didnt work?) and if she does it will be not the kind of job she wants. Its a huge, huge change. I also agree with others that you shouldnt take the load on yourself but try not to let her go completely. She clearly needs a friend now and sounds like you are being one (well done). All these things take time to heal and of course she wont be the same person after such an unexpected shock. Please dont leave her and add to her woes. Helpful kind advice in small doses might land better than a "confrontation" but as Im sure you are aware you have to pick your moment. I honestly think she may just be feeling horribly alone and vulnerable. Like standing naked on a street when everyone else is wearing wooly jumpers.

Im not divorced by the way but I am a young widow. No one I know is in the same boat thankfully. I'm still sad, probably always will be, and am probably profoundly changed. One thing for sure tho I dont think I would be standing without my friends. Please dont close the door. I would imagine your friend might need you more than you could possibly (and thankfully) imagine. Good luck

@ArtInTheMediumOfTurnip I don't agree with you. I think if a spouse wants to give up work then unless there is a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement confirming this arrangement then the presumption should be that it was an individual choice. That is not the law now but in the 21st century I think we need to update the law to reflect the fact that marriage does not terminate our ability to be free agents (the status quo jars with coercive control laws which quite clearly demonstrate - and quite rightly - that individuals should not be expected to give up their own free will when they marry).

I am afraid I find the idea that someone who hasn't worked in a marriage should be supported by their ex-spouse after marriage so that they can carry on not working utterly ridiculous in the modern era. I would even go as far as saying I think it is an abuse of human rights to deny someone the right to move on from a bad relationship with a clean break if not immediate then at least in the foreseeable future.

"Honesty is not only the best policy; it is rare enough nowadays to make you pleasantly conspicuous." Said by a wise man about 80 years ago. Of course tact helps too.

I've known several women like this, they think that their marriage has set them up for life and they won't have to work. It comes as a rude awakening when a wife of school aged children realises that though their ex has to support the children she would have to get a job to support herself. May well be a good thing, she will have something new in her life.

I think that’s really sad for her. Maybe this change will open her eyes and she will invest in her self rather than just existing as an adjunct to a man.

I think you need to maintain your boundaries. You don’t need to take abuse from someone just because they have had a challenging time.

@DoreenonTill8 , @ArtInTheMediumOfTurnip was saying that had the friend worked when married but before children, she would have those skills to look for work now, even if she had been a SAHP while the children were tiny.

or that's how I interpreted it.

You are really sweet but you can't fix any of this and you shouldn't try - I suspect your friend has codependency issues and will over rely on you going forward. Sometimes you need to step right back. You really don't have to run to her next crisis.

The problem now is that she is not in the same position she would have been in had she started working as a university educated graduate. Say she had left university and qualified into a profession for example - an accountant or a lawyer or nurse or something - now approaching 50, she would be senior in her profession and her pay would be commensurate. She'd be worth £££ per hour or per year.
So @ArtInTheMediumOfTurnip on that basis, once you've been a SAHP you should never be expected to work again?

You are certainly a better person that I am. If I'd have heard her say that, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from saying "ok, that's enough. We all understand that you've been going through a hard time, but that's no reason to be a B*%#& to Prunella. That remark was completely uncalled for." And I'm fairly certain that would be the end of whatever was left of the "friendship"

She is behaving so badly because you're all tiptoeing around her. She's allowed to be upset & angry, but she's not allowed to be hurtful to people who are being kind to her. Why would you want to remain friends with someone like this anyhow?

Who knows what things were really like at home in her previous so-called wonderful life. It's a shame that she is being so negative about future opportunities, especially as she isn't going to be badly off when everything is sorted. Many people would envy her situation. She sounds very vacuous and self-centred. I can empathise with her being upset about her husband but not lashing out at her friends who have been so kind as to rally round and treat her to things. It sounds like all she really cares about is appearances.

I'm not great with confrontation but wish I had said something many years ago!! Friend was saying really awful things to me in her anger, I sat and listened endlessly but she moved on and somehow still shows no appreciation for any support I gave, it actually feels as if I don't matter to her at all. I'm sorry but it still rankles and one day it will come out!!

Maybe ask her. What support do you want from us?

Or even say you're being very aggressive with your friends do you want to talk?

She might be misdirection her anger and it is understandable but it's also unreasonable to treat you badly

I think the problem is that most people are not happy for their spouse to not work. Eventually they get fed up of the situation and walk away, which is what has happened here.

I'm not sure that it is relevant that 'most people' are not happy -because the issue is what was the position here with this woman with this DH. It is also true that some people are happy for their spouse not to work - and if the DH here was happy at the beginning, then it's really harsh to now expect someone who has lost the benefit of 20 years experience in the work force to start at the beginning.

There are a lot of demeaning aspects to junior work in any job that is easier to tolerate as a young person driven by ambition; that would be very hard for an older person to face. Very hard. even if you aren't depressed by being abandoned for another woman.

We probably all know people who are happy for a spouse not to work -usually higher earners who like having the convenience of a stay at home partner. It isn't always men either. I know of two women who are in that situation, both of whom are always bragging about the benefit of the stay at home dad, and neither are pushing the spouse to work. I'm related to one of them so it isn't just a public front either.

We can assume that if someone was that unhappy about a spouse not working, they wouldn't collude with it - which is as bad as encouraging it. It's easy enough to set that tone right from the start of a relationship or marriage - what you expect from each other.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it is a pretty big thing to take a person of university education ability (who once had many career options open to them) but has lost the chance of 20 years career experience and seniority progression in any job, and tell them they need to take a very low level junior job with the low pay and demeaning aspects junior work usually involves. It would be hard for anyone. It's not unreasonable for the wife in that situation to feel that she's been led down the garden path of non-working spouse and then really stuffed.

FWIW I am a working person so I'm not saying this because Im in this situation - just I feel a lot of empathy here because I'd hate to have to go back to the beginning of anything at that age.

I don't think it's a "lady of leisure" as such. It's more someone who chooses to completely abandon their career to raise their children. Men seem to get the blame for women doing this but in my experience it's always the woman insisting on it (although it's becoming less and less common for households to be able to survive on one wage so the phenomena is dying out).