Friend is so bitter!

OP the most recent news must have been awful. You are such a good friend to her. When things are calmer she will realise what you have all done for her. I hope this final betrayal from him shocks her out of the fog she is in. He is utterly despicable.

A person’s true character shows in adversity. This friend of yours is quite rightly, adjusting to a huge change in circumstance. However, it is no excuse to lash out at the very friends who are supportive, patient and caring. You can only absorb so much of her pain. You need to step back and stop being her punchbag. You are not responsible for her happiness - she is.

Only specific advice I have would be to not be around her with alcohol - limit socialising to coffee + cake / lunch somewhere everybody drives to and don't serve wine at home etc. Alcohol won't be the only thing but it isn't helping and she might have a better filter if she's sober.

Can’t you speak to her? When I was going through my divorce one of my best friends was getting married - I was bridesmaid. Honestly I was so happy for her but it was so hard! Being totally honest at times I did feel bitter but I would never ever have made her feel it or said anything to put her down or feel rubbish. I had my children whilst my sister hadn’t met anyone yet, she found that so painful but never made me feel like crap about it.
Shes having a terrible time but that’s not your fault , she’s not your responsibility and you’re not her therapist or punch bag . But If you do value your friendship then just tell her . Hopefully she’ll snap out of it! Good luck it sounds like you’ve all been really supportive to her .

I think you need to have it out with her. The pain for her must be awful but that doesn’t give her the right to behave like a dick to all the people who have gone out of their way to support them? Doesn’t she know how lucky she is? I think she needs reminding that she’s got a wonderful friend and family support group who are STILL sticking on in there no despite her seemingly blaming you for her recent situation. Some people’s partner’s leave them with absolutely nothing, they’ve alienated everyone in their lives, they may not have parents. And zero support network. They deal with this completely alone and this woman can’t even thank you for taking her to a spa?!
I would be SO grateful if one of my friends did that after my break-up and thank them many times over. She sounds completely self-absorbed and entitled and as if she feels that she’s the only person in the world this happened to. I think she needs reminding of that I would 100% pull her up on her complete lack of gratefulness

Yes, but a lot of us think the "he wanted a stay at home wife" claims are dubious.

I recognise the situation from a few years back. All our friendship group tried to help out when one of our number was left alone with two kids by a cheating husband. We tried so hard and one person tried harder than the rest of us. In the end that one person was left devastated and the rest of us exhausted.but it hadn’t made a lot of difference. It was the cause of us breaking up as a group and I still regret that. There was simply nothing more we could do and like your friend ours refused to have the counselling she badly needed. My advice would be to back off. Remain friends if you can but don’t spend as much time with her, and don’t pay for any more treats. She has to work it out for herself.

Apologies, OP I’ve just read your later posts where you say that her exH didn’t want her to work, wasn't very nice behind closed doors, wanting a ‘proper’ SAH wife etc.. If this is true, it sounds like it was, in fact, a very unhealthy relationship and that she was trauma-bonded. And completely reliant on his money and terms.

In which case, she needs counselling ASAP. And I would definitely speak kindly but honestly to her about her comments to you and your friendship group.

She sounds awful..sorry!

I feel sorry for her but really she's done herself no favours by not working. What never?

Take a step back...she will naturally start to question why

I would not bring up weight loss or drinking ...too personal

But do call out bitchy comments! Why on earth wouldn't anyone say anything to that?

But she is being bitter at the wrong people, just because her friend is available and her ex isn't doesn't mean she should treat her friend as a punchbag.

I’d avoid her and take a step back. She has a different life now. She is going to have to pick herself up by the bootstraps. Can’t imagine someone never working. She will get her life back and be happy again, but it isn’t going to be the same as before and she may well move on. The anger is coming from the fact that she knows all this. You might finish up eventually no longer being close friends.

YANBU.. had the same situation with my friend when she was going through and now completed divorce.. she completely changed and wasn’t happy for me.. came out in comments and pretty selfish behaviour. I had to step back because it was either that or I’d have completely been vile toward her.. and now we’re not friends anymore.
Unfortunately you can only spread your compassion and understanding so far until you have taken enough.
Sounds like you’ve tried to help and though you don’t want to give up on her in her time of need sometimes you have to put yourself first and you can’t rescue people, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

She needs to take time and adjust to her new circumstances but... It would help if you could stop sympathising and move on to encouraging her to find a job (which is so exciting, chance to do whatever she fancies, lucky her!).

how she really is - bitter, jealous, entitled

I've been trying quite hard not to think that perhaps her awful situation has just revealed who she really is. People can behave strangely in grief or shock, and certainly can say some awkward things - but they usually apologise straight away, because grief doesn't wipe out empathy.

I do hope, though, that OP and friends can guide her back on to a more constructive path. She's lucky to have these people; she can't really afford to lose them.

@Arran2024, I agree with what you say. The net result's the same, though - a dependent, entitled-feeling adult who's never grown up. People in this circumstance need to keep an eye to their independence; there's no shortage of advice to that effect.

Perhaps you’re getting a peek at why the husband left. Maybe your so called friend isn’t as nice as she pretended. A wolf in sheep’s clothing if you will. Don’t invest too much into trying to salvage this friendship. Let her work through it and come to you.

I think it’s possible you now understand why her husband left. I am sure he was the only person who saw how she really is - bitter, jealous, entitled, etc. Now you are seeing this side. Personally I am not “bohemian” so I am not super understanding of the situation. I would just stop talking to her and I def would never spend money like this on her ever again

If you value her friendship you need to be open and honest about how you are feeling and how she is behaving. Wouldn’t you want someone to be honest with you if it was you?

Totally agree. First thing I did when my exH left was up my 4 days a week to full time, then got a better paid job. Still can’t afford the things we did when married but we are both happier (and on good terms)!

She’d need a PGCE which presumably she’d have to fund herself plus the actual study, travelling to placements and the stress of her NQT year

That's unfair. In a previous post it was explained that he wanted a stay at home wife. In some circles that is still what happens. Often these women are brought up to believe they have no inherent worth unless attached to a successful, dominant man. Her whole world has come crashing down. Setting up a business while going through a deep personal trauma is not that easy.

I agree with this.

But surely art teacher in a secondary school would suit her fairly well @Cornishcockleshells if she’s good at painting and drawing?

Good point. I do know a number of women, myself included, who didn’t work when their children were small. I’m disabled and pregnancy really damaged me. There was no way I was in any state to work, I really struggled to look after the kids. But all, myself included, went back to work once the kids were settled in school.

I’d have to go trawling back through the OP’s posts to be certain, but I think the friend is described as being in her late forties. Someone else in a reply said about her eldest being eleven, not sure if that’s correct. But for her to have got married straight out of uni and never worked but have had three kids, either the kids have massive age gaps, or she didn’t work for years before having them, or has had them at the beginning of her marriage and then not looked for work as they’ve grown up. Unless it’s the massive age gap explanation, she has had many years not working and also not caring for young children. The only person I know in that sort of position is an older mum with an even older husband who is retired. I genuinely don’t know anyone being fully financially supported by a working partner who doesn’t currently have young children.

I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be argumentative. I’m genuinely finding this interesting. It’s caused me to really think about different people’s situations.

As someone who is divorced, I think it’s quite common to be angry/upset/bitter but that doesn’t make it ok to take those feelings out on your friends. Personally I try not to go on about my situation to my married friends too much because they can’t possibly understand and also it would understandably be so draining to listen to it day in and day out. I do have a counsellor who is paid to listen to me go on about it.

How is she with her children, is she able to shield them from her feelings? It really is important that she’s able to pull herself together at least in front of them. Perhaps she would be more able to accept the suggestion of help if you come at it from an angle of her then being better able to cope with single parenting for their sake?

I think that you will be able to gently pull her up on some of her comments. Not publicly but in private. And say ‘I feel that some things you say aren’t things you would usually say, for example X. I worry that you are pushing friends away’.

Regarding her ex, he’s clearly lacking empathy which is a hallmark of narcissism. She might not have been very aware of coercive control within her marriage and is only just realising and understanding this now. It takes time. Does she have a solicitor? The fact that he’s planning on marriage may work in her favour, as his new wife’s finances will also be taken into account. She will have to get a job at some point, the court will not simply award her spousal maintenance to support her forever. Let her solicitor break this to her, though.

She’s lucky to have such a good friend in you, but you need some boundaries too.

Maybe she doesn't have to start working in a junior-level job? She can't have learned nothing in 20+ years of earth mothering. Maybe she can do market gardening, baking, art, etc, for money instead? She'd need to get practical and pro-active about it, but at least she wouldn't have to sacrifice the self-image she's invested in so heavily.

A court's more likely to look kindly on someone really trying to get a business going than on a childlike adult who's angry their meal ticket's just expired.

One of our friends was similar and we all pulled back a little. (A couple more so than others).
She much improved when she got into another relationship but that was a couple of years down the line.

I went through the same thing as well and i definitely think i became more selfish as a friend for a while but luckily never bitter.

I can totally see how it happens though.