Friend is so bitter!

How about staging an intervention? Take her to a therapist? Don’t tell her until you’re there and let her know she needs it or that you need it as you try and support her?

She is upsetting you. As much as you may want to you will do as others have done and subconsciously step away from her. She needs to be told that. Not to be harsh but so she can retain the support she has with you all.

She probably won’t act up in public. She may be left with ideas of a therapist. No loss. This may sound a bit extreme but sometimes we really have to take the bull by its horns.

As hard as it is to be on the receiving end, unfortunately, this isn’t about you or your friends

She is calling her friends fat and insulting them. Of course its about the friends in this scenario, the friends cant change her circumstances but they can set boundaries in place about not being insulted on the regular.

"Be kind" applies to everyone, not just the OP, it also applies to the friend too and its certainly not kind to insult the friends who are going out of their way to care for her.

As hard as it is to be on the receiving end, unfortunately, this isn’t about you or your friends. She’s grieving for her life that was, her husband, herself etc. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
she’s probably feeling embarrassed and humiliated. None of these emotions are good. It might take her years to come to terms with things. She won’t be herself. Remember, all the friendship and kind acts that you have shown are not about you and not about receiving thanks or gratitude for either- after all, who are you doing them for, her or for yourself. We are supposed to be kind and loyal without wanting to feel or have anything in return.
Easy to say it all though and hard to be.

I'm glad you're having a break, it sounds like such an upsetting situation even from the sidelines. Your last update made me feel so sad for her. It sounds as if she's been living on a fantasy of things going back to how they were and now the full reality is hitting. Very cowardly of her ex not to tell her directly although I imagine that would have been an ugly scene too. I do wonder how the children are coping, their mum has fallen apart. Time for her to do some growing up, which is going to be incredibly tough and painful for a while. I think your approach is right though to call out any future nastiness, it's not doing her any favours to keep enabling that behaviour. She probably needs serious mental health support at this stage though, I would strongly encourage that, she needs to find a way to put herself back together and be there for her kids.

Yes bitterness may be normal but certainly not directed at her friend who has done nothing but support her! It’s totally unacceptable to say the things she has, she may comment that they both had the same life before and that makes her feel bitter, but it’s not on to be commenting about clothes, DH etc.

This was a huge help to me when my ex left. Theres a book and a private Facebook page too. Denial is a normal initial stage (well, it was for me, until he moved in with her).

www.runawayhusbands.com

*Why? Intuition of working in family law for years plus:

1. She chose not to work even when she didn't have children;
2. She is making no effort whatsoever to find a job now;
3. The OP has reported several times on how she was very happy in her role;
4. Apparently the husband didn't want her to work but then went off with a colleague who has continued to work for the 18 months they've been together*

What matters is what the OP has said, not your job or intuition.

Not working when she didn't have children is irrelevant, the OP said the husband wanted a particular set-up about a non-working wife.

Not making an effort to get work now? She's plainly in extreme distress. The OP has said she couldn't imagine her getting through and interview.T

Happy in her role as reported by OP, but OP also said different things went on behind closed doors.

Who the husband went off with is irrelevant: I hate big tits - goes off with woman with big tits. Men pull this shit all the time.

Of course many women are cajoled/wooed/forced into the position of giving up work and doing all the cooking, cleaning, bottle-washing, childcare! I have encountered many throughout the years and I worked hard for the Wages for Housework campaign in the 1980s. It’s far from doing “bugger all” and suits the working partner very well, as he (often he) builds up a career and wealth. Studies show (and in any case it is patently obvious if you look around) that women do the lion’s share of housework and childcare whether they are working or not. But you probably know all this already, even if your own experience doesn’t necessarily back it up. Or might you be an OW yourself, resentful of a former wife whose trust has been completely destroyed? You seem extreme in your anti SAHP stance. For the record, I am not and never have been, but I fully support those family and friends who are.

I know someone like this! Absolutely hated her husband for years and had a shit marriage yet she’s been bitter and obsessed with him ever since he dared to leave her. Compared to lots of ex husbands he’s been really reasonable, payed all the bills after he left until the house sold and she got a very favourable settlement and is mortgage free etc. Yet he’s her favourite topic of conversation and she’s constantly slagging him off on social media saying he’s a narcissist etc. (He isn’t!) It’s been a few years now. Nobody ever comments on the posts so I can only assume others are getting a bit fed up with her too.

Could it be like a stages of grief thing? I can’t remember them all but you know what I mean: denial; anger; etc; finally leading up to acceptance. Possibly just a stage?

Most people I see getting divorced who have high flyer spouses never had a career. What makes the OP's friend different to the norm is that she did have a degree (and at the same university too). Otherwise it sounds textbook.

Exactly @shinyshona I always wonder when I see on here all the 'gave up her career for him' posts...
Wheres the evidence she'd have been a 150k+ earner, and would have had some high flying career?

Why? Intuition of working in family law for years plus:

1. She chose not to work even when she didn't have children;

2. She is making no effort whatsoever to find a job now;

3. The OP has reported several times on how she was very happy in her role;

4. Apparently the husband didn't want her to work but then went off with a colleague who has continued to work for the 18 months they've been together.

Trust me, I have lost count of the number of people - mostly women but more and more often men too - who come through the doors at work who are in the midst of a divorce and who are prepared to move heaven and earth to avoid finding employment in the future. Invariably they are far less qualified than their spouse, didn't have anything like the career their spouse had before children and they've gotten used to a lifestyle that they could never have aspired to on their own merits.

Nevertheless, I sit there thinking if they would put half as much effort into finding a job as they do pursuing more of the joint assets or spousal maintenance then they could actually be a lot better off than they're going to be from a financial settlement. Courts expectations of how much people should help themselves have increased substantially especially in the last 10 years because as a society I'm afraid to say many people find being an adult dependent - especially on someone that they are estranged from - quite undignified.

Why? I have known plenty of couples like this. The men do what they like and get what they like and move on when they like.

@auderesperare absolutely perfect advice

You sound like a great and compassionate friend. Something similar happened to me regarding a friend who lost a child. I thought I was being as helpful and connected as I could. But everything I did backfired. She was critical of everything I did. I felt dreadful that I had got it so wrong when all I was trying to do was be supportive.
When I spoke to DH about it, he said: “She is in the anger stage of her grief. It is not about you”. That was so helpful to hear. It put the hurt into perspective.
I set some boundaries to stop myself being disrespected or hurt (stopped entertaining her at my home. Met on neutral territory) but I kept checking in with her. This helped.
What I would do is meet her regularly for short, defined times somewhere neutral- dog walks, the beach, coffee etc. Don’t go anywhere with alcohol. Don’t invite her to dinner. Don’t pay for anything. I know you mean well but that will only make her feel like she is the poor relation and has lost everything. Keep the relationship on an equal level. Meet for short, regular catch ups. Check in with a message every few days. Just a “thinking about you today”. Or “sending love”. Nothing too deep. Just so she knows you are there.
Don’t ask about her eating or drinking. She is already feeling dreadful about this and it won’t help. Instead, just listen. Don’t patronise her or offer advice unless asked for it. Just keep listening, acknowledge the hurt and if she shows jealousy over your life, shut it down gently and bring the meeting to a close.
There will come a time when you will be able to suggest professional help. You’ll know the right time to raise this. Don’t raise it until you know she will be receptive.
There will come a time when she will need practical help. Again, you’ll know the right time.
Grief has no expiration date. You will need to be selfless and available for much longer than you think.
But in time she will heal and you will help in her recovery. Her children will benefit. You can do this without getting overwhelmed or hurt. Just take your ego out of it. Your job is to listen. Don’t judge and don’t criticise. You can protect yourself while doing this. Her life may never be the same again. But she will move on. Good luck.

I disagree. She needs to know that people will be there for her to witness her pain/despair. . “Taking a step back” is merely a much overused euphemism for “I’m out of here, get over yourself and call mewhen you are better company”. A GOOD friend doesn’t do that.

That'll feel like ganging up on her.

I think you all need to meet up with her together (that way it doesn't look like any one of you is trying to start an argument), and explain to her how nasty/unbearable she has become and that you are all trying to help her because you really care about her, but she is pushing you all away.

Yes, agree with others that you should just distance yourself. This happened to my best friend, we had been close for 40+ years and were more like sisters than friends. I was supportive of her as I could be for over a year after her DH left but her anger and bitterness started to become destructive to her relationships with family and friends. She took it out on me especially, perhaps because I was a safe space that she knew she did not have to censor herself around. But when I tried to gently talk to her about it, saying that I understood why she was angry but that her anger at him was being directed at other people who cared about her and it wasn't healthy, she blew up at me and has never spoken to me again. She cut me off from all social media, blocked me on phone and email, and even after I sent flowers and cards to apologise for upsetting her, no response. It has been about 5 years now, so i don't think I will ever speak with her again. I think perhaps if I had just given her more time to adjust by distancing myself for a few months or something, we might be back on an even footing. So that would be my advice. Good luck.

I can completely understand why she is so upset. She has had what she considered to be the perfect life and now it is gone. Also she sounds bitter, not helped by the fact that she hasn’t been able to work during her marriage. Trying to get a job for the first time at her age is going to be incredibly difficult as she hasn’t built up work experience and gained skills. She knows that the path ahead is going to be incredibly hard. You sound like an amazing friend, OP. So kind and patient and I’m sure she really does appreciate you. She might not tell you now but maybe one day when things are a little easier. Her unkind words towards others eg on weight, is uncalled for and should not be tolerated. Sometimes people need to hear firm words and a little “tough love” so that they can reflect. I wouldn’t advise that you take a step back from her though; she needs you now more than ever, and you can keep an eye on her children too. There are various stages of grief and she still seems to be in the anger stage. The stage will pass and she will eventually move towards acceptance. Things will get easier for her (and all of you as her wonderful friends) in time. 🌺

truly, poor lady;

OP Id suggest she get some psychotherapy or counselling to help her with her pain and bitterness from now.

And suggest gently - if she doesn't work outside the home - suggest she get some voluntary work outside her home to occupy her mind away from her losses.

Suggest these are as much for herself as her children needing a healing mother.

God luck. Seeing her when she is so sad means you are a very good friend. You now, if you take it on, as her friend will push her to find help for her future.