Friend is so bitter!

A simple it is not okay to speak to me that way if you continue to speak to me that way I will end the conversation. Then do.

What would you do if someone said something mean to your child in front of you, I presume you would respond, do the same for yourself.

I feel for you, I have had a friend go through a divorce (although she left her partner and was in fact cheating on him).

I had a terrible upbringing which my friend is aware of. I’m not well off, I’m comfortable and while we do have treats they are a result of me being thrifty and creative with money. I don’t have much family support and never have, so I am very independent.

She started making the most awful comments to me about everything. My friends. My partner. My integrity. It was horrid from a friend I’d been supportive to.

I didn’t see her for 6 months after a meal (I was going to treat her but she made such a song and dance about the price of the food, think Harvester type place, that I thought actually fuck her) at the end she demanded we only pay for what we had eaten. Fine. Turns out hers was more than mine so she’d have been better to split or keep her mouth shut.

Things got better for her eventually and now she is back to how she was before but I’ll always remember that. I think she hated that I am the person I am now - having gone through a lot of hardship early (and I may well become more bitter myself, who knows) and come out the other end. She hated that I wasn’t torn up in pieces while she still was.

It was a very strange dynamic and I’ll never forget that she’ll change towards me when things aren’t so great for her.

@Tink3rbell30

I agree with a lot of stuff you post!
👍

This horrendously nasty and unwarranted remark needed to be jumped on immediately. Didn't anyone say anything in response?

If this is a typical example of the kind of things she's saying it's far worse than I imagined.

For her sake stop her now.

I think this probably is like her, OP, you just haven’t seen this side of her before as she had little to give out about before. She’s angry with her cheating ex, the world and probably with herself, so she’s taking it out on the people around her.

I hear from your other posts that you are adverse to a confrontation with her, so maybe just keep a wide berth of her. Don’t bring her on any spa days or pay for anything for her, that’s not your job. If she needs support or a shoulder you can be there for her but don’t be an emotional punch bag for her.

I also wouldn’t let it get to the point where she pushes away all of the other friends and you are the only one left who will speak to her. You don’t want that pressure of feeling like you’re all she has.

Why are you allowing her to speak like that you all? You should immediately call her out on her behaviour.

I can understand her feelings of course, but her rancour and bitterness is hurting herself now as it will lose her friends!

As a friend I'd challenge the next horrible remark she directed at me and tell her that it's time to stop lashing out at her friends if she values them.

Anger is naturally an important part of the grieving process, but at the same time she must not hurt others who have done nothing but support her. It won't help her if she loses friends and support.

Why do you need to fix this for her? I’m not saying this as an judgement, I used to be the same I’d pride myself on fixing things for others but it just made them depend on me and caused resentment eventually.

By all means be as supportive as you feel you can but ultimately this is her own responsibility to fix. Let her make sense of things, have her own emotions around the situation but if she is rude to you make her aware of that and don’t absorb her behaviour. She can be any emotion she wants but her behaviour is hers alone to control. Don’t absorb other people’s bad behaviour they don’t respect you when you do and start to walk all over you.

This is grief. She is going through the loss of her 'life' and marriage. She will veer from one stage to another, and will be difficult, just as if she was widowed.
Don't say anything. Just be there for her. She'll work through this stage

wow she sounds nasty! I mean - she’s hurt and missing the life she had, I get it, the nastiness tho - how much are you willing to put up with? I would distance myself a little from now. You’ve put up with it - given her an inch, she’s take 17286382 miles - she believes she can get away with it because you all feel sorry for her - to what end tho?

This I think is the best advice.

Maybe then the penny will drop that her bitterness means she is losing friends and she will realise she has to try harder to get past the anger, or at least not take it out on the very people who are trying to support her

You would be doing her a favour if you spoke to her directly. She might fall out with you but there is a good chance it will sink in and help her at some point even if you lose her as a friend. Anger and bitterness is hurting her she needs to move on. Her old life isn't coming back

I have dealt with something similar OP and it's a sad situation. Don't forget that you need a friend too, it shouldn't be one sided with you trying to make her feel better and you feeling guilty about your life. We all make choices and at least for now yours are working for you.

Added to say if she's drinking a lot that would explain the 'poor me poor me pour me another drink"

She needs skilled medical care. Have you tried an intervention? It sounds like you don't have anything left to lose and she's completely off the rails.

if she would react badly to you approaching her directly on this, then perhaps a gentle distancing is better.

if she notices, and asks, then you should be honest - you can do this sensitively, but she'll react how she'll react - you don't have much control over that.

good luck!

I would pull back from this friendship. Negative people are so draining to be around, your mental health will suffer.

It's her responsibility to sort her life out and manage her emotions.

She has been through something horrible, but she doesn't get a free pass on decent behaviour because of it.
You are a person, you have been a good friend, and you deserve to be treated well and with respect.
You are not there solely to support her or be an outlet for her anger.

You can distance yourself, and possibly consider telling her why. You can do this kindly. If she blows up, so be it. You will have conducted yourself in line with your values of decency and honesty- but she remains responsible for her own life.

I wouldn't advise putting up with it, it will understandably breed resentment from ypu towards her, and the longer that dynamic persists the harder it will be to address without a complete relationship breakdown.

To be mid 40s gone to uni and never have worked would be pretty unusual - I feel bitter about her life up until now!!!!

I went through a similar passage to your friend when I was suddenly widowed. Prior to that I had a conventional life and a similar group of friends. Overnight I became a different person living a different life. My existing friends did their best, as you are doing, but I could never escape the feeling that they didn't really "get it". Because they didn't, as you don't. Don't know what it's like to be a single parent, to have the rug pulled from under you, the pain, the drugery of doing it all alone, the stress of not having another person to depend on any more (and I don't mean that as a criticism; how could you know?). I did start to feel bitter towards them (though I hope I didn't express it as bluntly as your friend does).

At that time I'd have been livid if one of my privileged, happily married friends suggested I get a job btw. She will hear that as a homeless man might hear a millionaire advise them to get a job.

Ultimately most of my friendships from pre-widowhood didn't survive, or not in the same form. A couple of the closest I do still see individually. Over time -years - I made new friends, mostly other lone parents, or widows, or people with their own struggles. I'm not the person I was before.