Friend is so bitter!

Would something like this work?

'My life seems to be a bitter reminder of what should have been for you. Would you like to take a break from seeing me for a while as I seem to be upsetting you?'

The problem is she might say 'no' and carry on being mean. She does seem to be stuck in the 'anger' stage of grief.

I think you are going to have to.

She won't like it and I think you have to accept that she'll probably storm off so do it on a walk or somewhere she can get a bit of space easily.

So she's never had a job. Maybe she'll actually enjoy the process of finding herself this way. Maybe she can take something she enjoys and turn it into a role. Do you think you could start the conversation this way? E.g you are very good at swimming, there are courses run by swim England to become a swimming teacher. Or if she does pilates could she start looking at the qualifications.

If she pushes back you can move it towards 'even if you don't want to do it, do you think it might be good to give yourself another focus?'

See how receptive she is to this (it doesn't matter if you've had the conversation before, have it again so you build up slowly).

And if she meets it all with negativity then you can say 'i know you are finding it hard but this sort of negativity is pushing those who are trying to help you away.......'

I'd tell her straight.

"Friend, your life has blown up and we appreciate how devastating it has been and continues to be but you cannot continue to speak to us or treat us like you have been. Your comments about my marriage and friends weight amongst others have been outrageous. This isn't you and I know it isn't you so I'm giving you an opportunity to stop this, before I truly distance myself from you for my own wellbeing. I will not be the collateral damage in this. This nastiness won't restore your life the way it was."

And if she doesn't snap out of it or at least make an effort than I would stay away from her.

You sound like a good friend - if you back off without telling her why you would be ghosting her which would be cruel.

Explain to her how you feel and say does she think its better if you two take a break. Give her the choice - empower her to make the decision. Leave the door open.

Maybe you just having this chat with her might jolt her into taking a step back and being more mindful of her behaviour if she wants to keep you as a friend.

I’ve had a couple of friends (one was married) behave in this manner. I’m not a SAHM/W. Luckily one cottoned onto the fact she was being quite bitchy about it and apologised. The other I think did lose a few friends. I’m lucky that I don’t have DC so didn’t have to navigate that side of things but the one who was bitchy told me her ex-H would be perfect for me because xxxx conveniently forgetting I had a nice boyfriend then.

She married straight out of uni at 21ish, didn’t have kids until her early/mid thirties (in her 40s, kids still in primary) but has NEVER worked? What a lazy, spoiled princess she’s been all her life.

If I am honest OP, I don't think a conversation with her right now will work. She's raging, she's upset, she's lashing out at everyone and everything. She won't hear the words with a clear head.
I'd pull back gently, stop inviting her to lunch and spa days, check in via text every now and again but step back to a safe zone.
Then if she asks why you are not doing x, y, z any more then you have the conversation because she's asked. Having unwanted advice when you are raging isn't going to work.
Sorry, I mean you and your friends sound absolutely lovely and have tried your best but she needs to get herself ready to listen before she'll change

Everyone blames the DH and the other woman but it wouldn’t have been easy for his head to turn if she was a better person. You’re seeing her true colours come out. What a bitch. You do all that for her and that’s her way of thanking you. Distance yourself. Next thing. She probably feel the world owes her and she may end up hitting on your dh soon.

It sounds like you have all been babying her (with the best of intentions), but this has only been replicating her previous charmed existence.

However she is now lashing out as an unthinking rebellious teen can in order to assert themselves in some way.

Best for all if you leave her be. She is responsible for herself, not you.

You’re a good friend for thinking of her and giving her some grace. The spa day was quite bad behaviour from her though, she should have at least said thank you. Try not to take any of her comments personally, none of them will be meant to hurt you. I think it’s coming from a place or her being in so much pain and she’s lashing out. Time heals everything. Maybe take a step back for now to prevent any more damage done, and hopefully in time she might improve.

Her comments are so extreme that I actually wonder if it is some kind of self loathing behaviour. She's clearly has a trust in her husband completely destroyed and perhaps now she is self sabotaging her friendships in a kind of, "see, I was right, no one really cares about me and I can't rely on anyone" kind of way. She's deliberately destroying the friendships before her friends dump her (in her mind).

I lost a wonderful friendship with a woman I really loved as a result of her incessant negativity about her marriage/life. She was clearly heading towards some kind of breakdown but refused to do anything to help herself. Her behaviour worsened, she was drinking heavily, and making a total fool out of herself.

I tried and tried to talk to her about it, also wrote her a long letter begging her to get help. All to no avail, so I stepped back because she was totally doing my head in.

All you can do is try. Maybe a letter asking her to seek help for her anger. Pointing her towards resources for counselling or whatever.

It's such a shame when a good friendship dies a death.

Absolutely not! There is no excuse for this level of verbal abuse, it's being going on a year and a half.
How long should she be allowed to be this nasty, hurtful and vitriolic? Do other people not matter? They're just punching bags.
Wonder how she'd take it after one of her shitty comments someone said in response
"No wonder your husband left, you're such a nasty bitch". ?

on a funny note this has just reminded me of the Victoria Wood sitcom Dinner Ladies.
Jean reacts like this when her husband leaves her for a " lipless dental hygienist ". She gets increasingly hnasty until Bren intervenes and tells her enough is enough at which point Jean crumbles and reverts to a little hurt child. Might give you a smile if nothing else.

It’s fine to be boring in these scenarios. People do understand and want to be supportive so will listen. But mean is a different thing. No one should compromise their own mental health for the sake of someone else.

i agree; no drama, just don’t see her so much. My friend came back after and I never called her out as I knew it would be met with an accusation of “you weren’t supportive.” I wanted to ensure nothing I had done could be to blame for her behaviour. I just didn’t see her or answered less.

Call her out for being rude and entitled and tell her to get some councelling if it is affecting her this bad.

She should be somewhat dealing with it now being a year and a half ago and she sounds jealous, like she is putting your life down because she is not happy with her own. She probably does know what she is doing and saying but thinks you won't say anything because it sounds like you are all walking around her on egg shells.

She's bloody lucky to have never worked for 20 years, yet still be in an 'ok' position financially post divorce.
Perhaps she needs to be put in touch with others in a similar situation but who struggle to feed and house Thier children.

Seriously though OP her reaction seems to be coming from fear. You say she's 'bohemian' etc maybe she's scared of rejection by employers etc as well as all the other stuff PP said.

I had to end a friendship with someone exactly like this. It was 4/5 years down and it was the same thing, over and over. Full of resentment for position not in her portion, including friends. Also drinking to the point of borderline alcoholic.

There’s only so much you can do. You could try talking to her as PP’s have suggested, but in my case I was the same as you; I know it would only have caused further arguments. Tbh I look at the DH who left in a slightly different light now; after years of utterly despising him for leaving her. You never know what’s been going on behind closed doors.

She sounds just very very depressed. I was her once. I think it took me four years to get back to anything even approaching myself after my then h had an affair with my best friend.
I was very aware i was probably boring my friends after the first year and I tried hard to keep a check on myself and fake cheeriness when I saw them, but I'm sure I wasn't always successful.

I would neither confront her nor make a dramatic exit. Just be less available one on one, safety in numbers maybe?

oh lord this is just like one of my closest friends who was widowed 2 yrs ago. She seems to have had a full personality transplant. I have been nothing other than supportive but the endless negativity and PA comments is totally dragging me down. I have really stepped back for my own sanity. I felt constantly guilty for having my grandchild living near which became the focus of her anger and she is always telling me how no-one has had it as bad as her. The thing is I love her dearly but she is in danger of dragging me down with her.
So no.advice other than distance yourself as much as possible and hope it resolves in time.

There is no excuse for that.. (don't even need to quote the comment) she needs to get a grip or she wont just lose her husband. She isn't widowed just bitter that he preferred another woman. There is no time limit on grief, which is what she is doing and many stages of grief but being downright nasty is not acceptable.

My friend was similar. It was like a demon was in her. I think her real thoughts spilled out, the veil of politeness was thin.

Never forget it. Forgive but keep your own heart safe.

There is absolutely no excuse for these kinds of remarks, whether her partner left or not. She’s clearly feeling insecure but that’s no way to speak about a friend who has been there for you. I would have to let her know that’s really unkind and disrespectful. I would distance, and she would have to accept that as a consequence of her actions. She will end up with no one.

What to say next time she says something spiteful?

"That's Enough!" Is an opener.

Gosh from your last update OP it does sound like she is experiencing some sort of mental health breakdown. If this really is completely out of character, perhaps the best thing you could do for your friend in the long run is to bring it to a crisis, so to speak, by explicitly calling out her behaviour and the impact it is having on you and her other friends.

(Perosnally I think that is very different to suggesting that she should get a job, which, although well meaning, is overly simplistic and a bit patronising at this stage on her grief).