Friend is so bitter!

She needs to see her GP.

One and half years behaving like this to her friends is outrageous. You have more patience than I have that’s for sure.

Grief, pain, endings, trauma... none of us get out alive! We are all going to face this stuff at several points in our lives because it's an inevitable part of being alive. The thing is, we sort of have to take responsibility for how grief and loss land with us. I've been through a pretty traumatic 3 years, OP, and I've been fully aware of my capacity to cut people up on my sharp edges. So, I make sure that I don't do that. But I know how to avoid harming others with my bitterness, most of the time (not always) because of therapy, time, recovery, more time, love... your friend has forgotten that in the the absence of her ex husband's love, love actually hasn't abandoned her. She needs to remember that she's still surrounded by an army of it and that this love for her is held by people who matter. Bitterness temporarily blinds people to the goodness that is right in front of them.

Anger is a natural part of grief and loss. Being a relentless, tedious, angry, bitter a-hole is extreme. I don't want to hate on your friend because this is her way of dealing with the pain, which is to say, she hasn't remotely dealt with it at all. She just can't accept what's happened to her because she'll be from that school of thought that goes, "Bad shit like this should never happen to people like me." Well, it can, it does, and when it happens, it really helps if a person has enough equipment to help them fall from that craggy, angry, grief-stricken cliff into the arms of grace with some dignity in tact.

Your friend is the only person who can help herself.
Maybe an enormous amount of silence and space will force her into the monk's cave where she can reflect. There is also the risk of her vanishing forever inside her echo chamber. But it's up to her as to how she's going to confront her relentless grief.
You've been a good friend. At some point, I hope she can remember this while she recovers. I am sure she will.
Perhaps, in a period of silence (if you all go a bit quiet on her and give her that space), she'll lean into therapy.
Grief is ugly. It's hostile. It's mean. It doesn't always show up this way but in your friend's case, it has. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is turn away for a while so that she is forced to turn towards herself and face what may seem insurmountable. She won't get over it if she herself doesn't do the heavy lifting.

It does sound like she is a bit stuck in her head and would benefit from counselling

Can you talk to her along the lines of you're worried about her, some of the comments she has made are not like her at all and are upsetting for others and you're worried she is pushing people away who love her and want to support her. Or simply say that the last few times you've met, you get the impression from a few things she has said that she has not enjoyed it, so you think taking the pressure off and having a bit of a break might be for the best?

How about keeping it simple and just saying, you do need help to move on, because what you're doing now is taking your anger out on your kind and supportive friends, and that's not going to lead to anywhere good.

Adversity in life generally has one of two long term outcomes - it either makes you better or it makes you bitter.

The end of this road is still far off for your friend and she may yet turn around from her bitterness. But it’s a miserable journey for anyone accompanying her on the way.

Take care of yourself and don’t let her spoil your own happiness. She is hurting badly and that is why she’s trying to hurt you. You can’t fix either her situation or her personality.

What the fuck?

So it's her fault because she took it so badly?

I think your friend is having a mental breakdown. This is beyond bitterness.

I feel sorry for her but I feel more sorry for her DCs. What a miserable life she must give them.

While sympathetic to her plight this underscores the often repeated refrain on MN that you should not give up your job and make yourself financially dependent on a man - I told my daughter this all through her teens and she knew we'd have been screwed after I divorced and we never received a penny from her father. She's on mat leave now and wouldn't dream of not going back to work

Her behaviour may be a shock to you but I bet her ex had seen this side of her. When I left my first husband other people finally saw his dark side. While we were together I was able to absorb it so he kept it behind closed doors. Once I had the nerve to leave him he had nowhere to dump it and started being awful to people and lost a bunch of friends.

Pull her up on it and explain whilst you understand she is hurting it is never acceptable to behave like that with friends. That you are all trying your best to support her but she is pushing you all away with her behaviour and she needs to stop otherwise she will also lose her friendships.

Explain your worried about her and that she needs to seek counselling but any further elements and you are done. You cannot overlook deliberately nasty comments because she's hurt and if the shoe was reversed she would be saying the same.

Yes do this. There’s no need for announcements or anything. Just be less available. If she brings that up then you can explain to her how she’s pushing her friends away. I see no point in trying to bring it to her attention as she will not be receptive to it. She needs to see it for herself.

As pp have said, just quietly become more and more unavailable. Your friend is being her true self and has dropped the mask that she wore.

Do you feel able to speak to her about this? Sometimes tough love is the kindest thing, and it’s only really good friends who will stick their neck out and have an uncomfortable conversation.

Appreciate every friendship is different, and this may feel uncomfortable to do. But she’s obviously isolating herself further and probably doesn’t even realise it.

It would definitely be kinder than silently distancing yourself.

Giving Elizabeth Broderick vibes...

If I were you, I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that she'd been feeling rather smug and superior in her life and spent your entire friendship looking down on you all. Now it's all fallen apart she cannot comprehend how YOU or your "fat" friend could possibly maintain your marriage and she lost hers.

These thoughts she's verbalising, this vitriol she's spewing, it's been there all along. It's just been cushioned with the knowledge that she's got it all, she's never had to say it aloud until now how much she sees you all as beneath her.

I would distance myself. You've been a good friend, you've done your part. I wouldn't put up with any more abuse.

I won’t deal with people like this anymore. They have zero emotional intelligence, no ability to reflect on the impact of their actions/behaviours towards others, no ability to take any kind of personal responsibility for their life/themselves, everything is always someone else’s fault, no ability to find positives in life, no ability to listen to and act upon constructive advice. They wallow in self pity and negativity and try to bring everyone around them down to their level, rather than taking action to make positive changes. They never do anything to help themselves. This behaviour is who she really is. What you’ve seen before was simply the mask used when everything was going right. People’s true personalities come out when something bad happens. You have done all you can. Time to step back and leave her to it now. A year and a half later and still acting like this is ridiculous.

Maybe up until now everything in her life has gone her way and has come easy for her . Now it hasn't. It sounds as if she was completely blindsided by what happened . I think once everything is finalised and she is in her feet again she will start to go forward .

Her comments are foul. You need to call her out on them. But be prepared to lose the friendship.
I have a friend who divorced many years ago, and was very bitter for a few years. Even though the divorce was her choice. Every holiday we took was met with how she couldn't afford to go on holiday. I bought a dishwasher and she was moaning about how she could never afford nice things, it became very wearing, and I did pull away for a while. Thankfully she returned to her usual self, but like a PP I still remember how nasty she was at that time.

Christ almighty, how fucking rude is she?! Absolutely no need for that kind of behaviour, even if her husband has left and she's feeling shit. I hope the other 'fat' friend told her to fuck off!

Totally. If I’d said anything to my friend at the time it would have been seen as an attack “everyone is against me” type thinking.

as it was I said nothing. Agreed to only mention it if she asks. If she does ask though I would have very clear examples and dates to give her, as she may not remember saying these things as it won’t square with who she believes she is as a person. She may deny saying thing, but if you have clear examples, it’s less easy for her to say “oh I didn’t mean it” or “was this around the time when ex h had just done xxx and therefore i was upset”

TBF I think this was just the OP trying to maintain anonymity and not be too outing. More likely the friend is younger / the kids are older.

At the time yes, I can understand you being too stunned.

But surely you are over the "stunned-ness" now? So ask her why she thought that was acceptable and how she thinks it made the other person and yourselves feel.

Sadness is totally fine. I have been there at a marriage completed before you are ready to accept it.

Downright cruelty is not. Pull her up on it and then leave her to wallow if she wants to, or start to buck her behaviour up