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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend is so bitter!

714 replies

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 09:40

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

OP posts:
damebarbaracartlandsbiggestfan · 05/11/2024 11:06

echt · 05/11/2024 10:45

What the fuck?

So it's her fault because she took it so badly?

Show quote history

I think this poster may have a point tbh.
I've had things happen to me that I could feel bitter about if I indulged myself, but the thought of lashing out in anyway at people would be unthinkable to me. Yes she is in a crisis but it's possible that this is who she is when things aren't going her way.
I think that's a valid point about the friends DHs. She is openly telling her friends that she is more entitled to a happy marriage!

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 05/11/2024 11:06

Also to add when you do confront her she will turn on you and probably say some nasty stuff .. it's an intervention of sorts and she won't want to look at her behaviour and she's in victim mode at this point and will feel cornered. Be prepared to see/hear a bitch.

Also dont be surprised if she walks away before you can sort it out

Princessbananahamock · 05/11/2024 11:05

She unfortunately is suffering the most horrific grief. She lost the love of her husband it’s hard to explain but knowing people that have lost husbands versus husband having affair leaving, they say death was easier. Sounds awful I know but there you go. How people react to your friends situation varies from person to person. Getting a job needs to go to the back of the list, as she will experience rejection again and again. Going to her GP and getting counselling is the first step in a long line of things to do, then she can tackle the big stuff.
Yes she will be bitter about everything and everyone “smug couples” offering advice, links to dating websites ffs and such. However a school friend contacted me with help and her words helped and I saw a counsellor and took things slowly.
What leaps out to me though is she has never stood on her own two feet. That is concerning they have to learn to adult alone, I feel perhaps she is finding that hard. It’s a whole new world for her to navigate.
Is there any relation you could contact to suggest they get her to the GP somehow I think she is very very depressed perhaps chronic.

You have been a great friend but like others have said you need to back away for your own peace of mind. You’ve helped but she needs to help herself.

AnonymousBleep · 05/11/2024 11:05

Your life isn't hers, though, and never has been or will be. You are two separate people. Nobody has a 'right' to someone else's life, that's just massive entitlement. She sounds like a spoilt PITA tbh. I think you need to distance yourself for now, because you shouldn't be her emotional punchbag, and she needs to wake up and see that she's going to lose her friends as well as her husband if she takes her rage out on people who don't deserve it.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/11/2024 11:03

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 10:17

I am going to try and speak to her I think, because she is haemorrhaging friends and support. My friend is very hurt by the comments about her weight.

I think this is the best way to approach it. Prepare a script so you know what you'll say. Don't worry about repeating yourself, it'll take effort for it to sink in anyway. Tell her that it feels like you have all become targets for her anger, and it is going to result in her losing friendships unless she gets some counselling to help her process this.

LostittoBostik · 05/11/2024 11:03

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 10:09

I can’t tell you how completely different she is, the things she says are so out of character, it reminds me almost of someone with dementia, she has no awareness of the impact of her words.
She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.

Edited

That is the point that I would have said that she wouldn't have any more of my time until she sought therapy. Has anyone actually confronted her ? She probably knows she's being a prick but - after what happened - she's seeing if you'll abandon her too. Don't let her do this, intervene!

Kingsleadhat · 05/11/2024 11:02

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 10:09

I can’t tell you how completely different she is, the things she says are so out of character, it reminds me almost of someone with dementia, she has no awareness of the impact of her words.
She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.

Edited

I think you need to call her on her inappropriate remarks. I'm sure you can kindly let her know that she's lashing out at the wrong people. It's doing noone any favours letting her carry on like this

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 05/11/2024 11:01

You're getting a small taste of what her husband had to live with......I wouldn't be judging him too harshly tbh 😬

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 05/11/2024 11:01

Call it out. Tell her to knock it off and remind her that she will have no one if she keeps going with this poor me diatribe.

Yes, I know she was shocked and there is trauma there but she's wallowing in self-pity and lashing out which will not help her. Believe it or not, she does understand the impact of her words. In her head, she gets a bitter little satisfaction at hurting others because she is hurt. People who have led a charmed life (and it sounds like she has) can often become a different person when faced with dents in the road. Every time she says something nasty give it right back and remind her that just because she is hurting is not an excuse to hurt others. Her jealousy, and she is jealous make no mistake about it, is changing her to a darker place. You can be supportive from a distance but you do not need to be her emotional punchbag.

ethelredonagoodday · 05/11/2024 11:00

@SerenityNowInsanityLater sets out my view on all this.

Sorry OP that you're having to deal with this. Must be so difficult. My own parents split up when I was a kid, and my DM has been bitter ever since, despite remarrying a man to whom she was vastly more suited. And it's been very wearing! It's totally normal I think in these circumstances to feel bitter initially towards the people who've caused you the pain, but not to the people who are trying to help you. That's not acceptable.

I do also think, like some other posters have said, it sounds like previously she had a very nice lifestyle, which has now all been upended and she maybe feels that's undermined her 'position' in your group. Possibly quite mean to say this, but your description of all this makes her sound like the snobby Mum in Motherland!

LostittoBostik · 05/11/2024 10:59

Lincoln24 · 05/11/2024 10:04

I went through a similar passage to your friend when I was suddenly widowed. Prior to that I had a conventional life and a similar group of friends. Overnight I became a different person living a different life. My existing friends did their best, as you are doing, but I could never escape the feeling that they didn't really "get it". Because they didn't, as you don't. Don't know what it's like to be a single parent, to have the rug pulled from under you, the pain, the drugery of doing it all alone, the stress of not having another person to depend on any more (and I don't mean that as a criticism; how could you know?). I did start to feel bitter towards them (though I hope I didn't express it as bluntly as your friend does).

At that time I'd have been livid if one of my privileged, happily married friends suggested I get a job btw. She will hear that as a homeless man might hear a millionaire advise them to get a job.

Ultimately most of my friendships from pre-widowhood didn't survive, or not in the same form. A couple of the closest I do still see individually. Over time -years - I made new friends, mostly other lone parents, or widows, or people with their own struggles. I'm not the person I was before.

Actually think this is a really astute comment too.

Apart from maybe a couple since childhood, most adult friendships have a season and we connect over similarities

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/11/2024 10:59

flapjackfairy · 05/11/2024 10:23

on a funny note this has just reminded me of the Victoria Wood sitcom Dinner Ladies.
Jean reacts like this when her husband leaves her for a " lipless dental hygienist ". She gets increasingly hnasty until Bren intervenes and tells her enough is enough at which point Jean crumbles and reverts to a little hurt child. Might give you a smile if nothing else.

I was just about to post the same. She went to stay with her sister Peggy got loaded up on Prozac and turned her life around.
I know it’s a comedy but it touched on so much that happen’s in women’s lives. When I became a carer for my dad I can remember being browbeaten by a social worker. And I can remember Bren dealing with one.
I think, whether the friend reacts or not, it’s actually a great kindness to tell her it can’t go on. It must be hurting her DC as well. And while ‘a job’ might seem scary it doesn’t need to be.
Nothing in this life is guaranteed. As hard it is you have to use your own resources and have your own interests when you can.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/11/2024 10:59

You don't have to be her punching bag.

It's OK to walk away.

mindutopia · 05/11/2024 10:58

It sounds like she is struggling. I think you need to let her know you’re there and to reach out, but yes, stop trying so hard and being so available.

I had a friend who went through a bit of this. Her partner left her when she was pregnant (like literally up and left, never to surface again, he started over with new partner and having new children and they’ve never seen him again). We had babies at the same time, and she was quite difficult for a few years. Everything was about how easy I had it and how hard she had it. She would not turn up to birthday parties or lunches or various other invitations and her dd would miss preschool because ‘she was a single parent’ (as if single parents don’t have to take their dc to parties or play dates or to preschool all the time). She just needed to wallow in it for a few years. She eventually got herself together and was back to life, but it did take time and some mental health support to do it.

I didn’t cut her off, but I gave her a wide berth as needed.

LostittoBostik · 05/11/2024 10:58

"She has never worked, she met dh at university and they got married soon after and did some travelling. She had never had a job so it’s a big task now."

Ok this makes a LOT more sense now.

She's angry at herself for leaving herself so vulnerable and dependant. And she's taking it out on those closest to her.

Someone needs to actually say this to her. Someone who she won't abandon if they say it. I maybe have three friends who could say anything to me and I'd just have to listen... people who have known me since I was primary school age. Does she have anyone like that? What about her parents? Are they well? Does anyone know them well enough to intervene? What about a close siblings

SisterAgatha · 05/11/2024 10:57

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 05/11/2024 10:51

Grief, pain, endings, trauma... none of us get out alive! We are all going to face this stuff at several points in our lives because it's an inevitable part of being alive. The thing is, we sort of have to take responsibility for how grief and loss land with us. I've been through a pretty traumatic 3 years, OP, and I've been fully aware of my capacity to cut people up on my sharp edges. So, I make sure that I don't do that. But I know how to avoid harming others with my bitterness, most of the time (not always) because of therapy, time, recovery, more time, love... your friend has forgotten that in the the absence of her ex husband's love, love actually hasn't abandoned her. She needs to remember that she's still surrounded by an army of it and that this love for her is held by people who matter. Bitterness temporarily blinds people to the goodness that is right in front of them.

Anger is a natural part of grief and loss. Being a relentless, tedious, angry, bitter a-hole is extreme. I don't want to hate on your friend because this is her way of dealing with the pain, which is to say, she hasn't remotely dealt with it at all. She just can't accept what's happened to her because she'll be from that school of thought that goes, "Bad shit like this should never happen to people like me." Well, it can, it does, and when it happens, it really helps if a person has enough equipment to help them fall from that craggy, angry, grief-stricken cliff into the arms of grace with some dignity in tact.

Your friend is the only person who can help herself.
Maybe an enormous amount of silence and space will force her into the monk's cave where she can reflect. There is also the risk of her vanishing forever inside her echo chamber. But it's up to her as to how she's going to confront her relentless grief.
You've been a good friend. At some point, I hope she can remember this while she recovers. I am sure she will.
Perhaps, in a period of silence (if you all go a bit quiet on her and give her that space), she'll lean into therapy.
Grief is ugly. It's hostile. It's mean. It doesn't always show up this way but in your friend's case, it has. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is turn away for a while so that she is forced to turn towards herself and face what may seem insurmountable. She won't get over it if she herself doesn't do the heavy lifting.

Edited

I like this explanation.

However I do think that people like this don’t really disappear but come back when they feel on an equal footing. The scales tipped and that shook her sense of self, as well as what was happening with ex H. So as well as having all that to deal with, she also was the “poor” friend for a while - the role I had fulfilled for decades. Whose fault was that? Not hers, but mine for not staying in my lane. And there came the bitterness towards me.

this is why we shouldn’t forget that those harsh words are coming from somewhere. Don’t say anything, you’ll always be wrong and “putting the boot in when she needs support”. Just protect yourself.

Projectme · 05/11/2024 10:55

OliphantJones · 05/11/2024 10:39

I won’t deal with people like this anymore. They have zero emotional intelligence, no ability to reflect on the impact of their actions/behaviours towards others, no ability to take any kind of personal responsibility for their life/themselves, everything is always someone else’s fault, no ability to find positives in life, no ability to listen to and act upon constructive advice. They wallow in self pity and negativity and try to bring everyone around them down to their level, rather than taking action to make positive changes. They never do anything to help themselves. This behaviour is who she really is. What you’ve seen before was simply the mask used when everything was going right. People’s true personalities come out when something bad happens. You have done all you can. Time to step back and leave her to it now. A year and a half later and still acting like this is ridiculous.

Absolutely this. OP 18 months in, you would start to hope that your friend would begin her recovery especially whilst she still has a supportive group of friends to help her, however this is now waning and I can't blame you for reducing contact.

I work with a woman (71) whose husband left her 35 years ago for the OW. This colleague remains as bitter and twisted today as she did 35 years ago. Never has anything nice to say about anyone, criticises people on their choices (be that house, holiday, pet, soup flavour, buying Costa blah) or will make a snide comment if someone goes on a nice holiday, or meets up with friends at the weekends, or sees their grandkids etc. Because of her attitude, she has no friends bar one but she bitches about her too. I believe that this was always her personality and her husband couldn't deal with it so he found someone nicer.

LostittoBostik · 05/11/2024 10:55

Has anyone actually tried giving her a bit of tough love? Not aggressively but "sorry, that's completely unfair and inappropriate - you cannot say that and I won't accept it"

Pyjamatimenow · 05/11/2024 10:55

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 10:17

I am going to try and speak to her I think, because she is haemorrhaging friends and support. My friend is very hurt by the comments about her weight.

Have you thought maybe she doesn’t want to be friends with you all any more?
I think ask her that. If she says she does. Then say that calling x friend fat and whatever else she’s done is making people think she no longer values them at all. Nobody wants to add to her pain so if she prefers to step back from friendships then you’ll respect that.
You definitely shouldn’t be putting up with all this regardless of what she’s going through

SoporificLettuce · 05/11/2024 10:54

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 05/11/2024 10:51

Grief, pain, endings, trauma... none of us get out alive! We are all going to face this stuff at several points in our lives because it's an inevitable part of being alive. The thing is, we sort of have to take responsibility for how grief and loss land with us. I've been through a pretty traumatic 3 years, OP, and I've been fully aware of my capacity to cut people up on my sharp edges. So, I make sure that I don't do that. But I know how to avoid harming others with my bitterness, most of the time (not always) because of therapy, time, recovery, more time, love... your friend has forgotten that in the the absence of her ex husband's love, love actually hasn't abandoned her. She needs to remember that she's still surrounded by an army of it and that this love for her is held by people who matter. Bitterness temporarily blinds people to the goodness that is right in front of them.

Anger is a natural part of grief and loss. Being a relentless, tedious, angry, bitter a-hole is extreme. I don't want to hate on your friend because this is her way of dealing with the pain, which is to say, she hasn't remotely dealt with it at all. She just can't accept what's happened to her because she'll be from that school of thought that goes, "Bad shit like this should never happen to people like me." Well, it can, it does, and when it happens, it really helps if a person has enough equipment to help them fall from that craggy, angry, grief-stricken cliff into the arms of grace with some dignity in tact.

Your friend is the only person who can help herself.
Maybe an enormous amount of silence and space will force her into the monk's cave where she can reflect. There is also the risk of her vanishing forever inside her echo chamber. But it's up to her as to how she's going to confront her relentless grief.
You've been a good friend. At some point, I hope she can remember this while she recovers. I am sure she will.
Perhaps, in a period of silence (if you all go a bit quiet on her and give her that space), she'll lean into therapy.
Grief is ugly. It's hostile. It's mean. It doesn't always show up this way but in your friend's case, it has. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is turn away for a while so that she is forced to turn towards herself and face what may seem insurmountable. She won't get over it if she herself doesn't do the heavy lifting.

Edited

This is wisdom.

LostittoBostik · 05/11/2024 10:54

She really needs therapy - but until she sees that she's holding herself back she probably won't get it.

She probably thinks she doesn't need counselling because she's depressed about something real - a truly shitty thing has happened to her, and she can't believe life has dealt her a crap hand that she has to suck up.

Can you gently try suggesting that you know counselling won't change the facts but it will certainly give her the best chance at finding true joy after the worst happens.

It's hard though; two members of my family don't speak because one basically blamed and attacked the other for having better life than her after a tragedy befell her. Shit happens. We can't control it. The only thing we can control is how we respond.

TwentyBillion · 05/11/2024 10:53

Tink3rbell30 · 05/11/2024 09:49

Normal. She's had her whole world changed for the worse by 2 rats so the bitterness is normal.

It's normal to be bitter, but absolutely not normal to take it out on your good friends.

I had similar, 20 years of marriage and he left me with penniless and with 2 kids. Completely out the blue.

Took me years so stop being bitter. However I was and am eternally grateful to my friends supporting me and putting up with my endless crying.

I know I was hard work during the first year but never ever took my hatred and bitterness out on them.

For your own good OP you need to step away from this friend. If she won't get counselling (and can afford it) and doesn't recognise she has a problem then sadly there is no more support you can do for her.

For your own well being, you have to walk away.

NeedToChangeName · 05/11/2024 10:53

Cornishcockleshells · 05/11/2024 10:09

I can’t tell you how completely different she is, the things she says are so out of character, it reminds me almost of someone with dementia, she has no awareness of the impact of her words.
She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.

Edited

That's unforgiveable. I'm surprised no one said "Mary, that's enough". If I were the fat friend, I'd be hurt no one stood up for me

18 months in, I can understand your friend is still grieving / angry, but that's no excuse for insulting other people

Tophelleborine · 05/11/2024 10:51

Honestly, she sounds awful. Yes she's been through a lot, but she's had a lot of support from all of you and is throwing it back in your faces. I think we sometimes lose sight of the fact that friends are people we CHOOSE to have in our lives, and we don't have to put up with endless shit from them in the way we might have to from family members (even with them they are limits).

I think it's time for some straight talking. If she blows up, that's her choice and any fall out is on her.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/11/2024 10:51

powotsits · 05/11/2024 10:40

Do you feel able to speak to her about this? Sometimes tough love is the kindest thing, and it’s only really good friends who will stick their neck out and have an uncomfortable conversation.

Appreciate every friendship is different, and this may feel uncomfortable to do. But she’s obviously isolating herself further and probably doesn’t even realise it.

It would definitely be kinder than silently distancing yourself.

Maybe at the start, but why should this woman continue to be given and expect kindness with this level of behaviour?
Other people are not supporting characters and whipping boys for her bitter bitchiness.