Friend is so bitter!

I feel for all of you.

The same thing happened to a very close relative of mine. The venom that she aimed at me was appalling, but reading your post has been quite helpful. It makes me realise that it probably isn't personal and that she must be suffering terribly. My relative is over the worst of it, but vestiges of her anger remain - it feels as though she could blow at any time. I am trying to take it in my stride because I don't want to leave her high and dry.

I don't think talking to your friend is going to help. Everything you say will be taken out of context and she will probably explode and accuse you of patronising her etc. So, if you need to address it I would advise putting it in writing so that you get to say exactly what you want to say without her venomous interjections. I would tell her how much you value her and how important she is to you and the friendship group. Tell her that she has your support, but also tell her honestly (without being mean) how difficult it has been to give that support. Putting it in writing will be a valuable record for later in - no matter how she reacts to it. If she accuses you of being mean to her it will there in black and white that you extended kindness. A record for yourself at least.

This is such a difficult situation. Wouldn't it be great if we all handled situations like this with grace and dignity, but none of us knows how grief is going to affect us. It has its own (illogical) rules.

Good luck!

Why? Nothing wrong with being a wife and mother. Just a pity her husband was a schmuck by leaving.

I think that would be doing her a favour, and might be easier to receive (sinking to her level) than the “don’t speak to me like that” which can sound condescending coming from someone perceived to be in a superior position.

I’ve been through the “husband’s exit affair left me in reduced circumstances” and been widowed early with children, and self-pity gets you nowhere. I’m now one of the happiest people in my circle.

Edited to respond to a poster upthread, it’s a lot easier to divorce a dickhead than watch the beloved father of your DC die.

She’s lazy, selfish, arrogant, unbelievably rude, bitterly envious and thinks the world owes her a living.

I’d just stop having anything to do with her, and I’d apologise to the friend on the receiving end of the fat comment for not standing up for her.

My friends mother asked her the same!

She sounds a bit like my mum (currently divorcing my dad). It’s extremely difficult and sometimes I don’t think she remembers how vicious she is when she’s in full flight. She also brings every conversation back to how awful my dad is, is incredibly thin-skinned and always had a temper but has now progressed to throwing crockery. I don’t know what to say — I mostly try to ignore it or move the conversation on, hoping it’ll get better. I’m getting married soon and a lot of the issues around wanting what I have are similar to being friends with people in conventional relationships, though not exactly the same.

FWIW my mum does respond well to me generally and sometimes takes kind criticism as intended, I think because I try to overlook some of the madness. But it’s been a long road and we’re not there yet. She also refuses counselling. It’s incredibly hard, best of luck.

I'd make myself unavailable. I did this with a former friend who's been through similar - every meet up was just hours of bitterness and self pity. If you told her about another friend whose whole family died in a freak accident, she'd somehow had it worse. She'd get pissed, and the vileness would escalate. I've only got a small amount of time for socialising and I didn't want to spend it with her ranting and being utterly miserable. We do text occasionally but it's more a polite check in than friendship now.

She's been coddled for a year and a half and now takes you all for granted. It's time to take a step back and let her find her feet.

As hard as it is for you, I think you need to be painfully honest with her, with no half measures.

There are no excuses for any of you to be used as her punch bag.

Be prepared for her not to care if she loses all of you. That's her choice.

Her marriage breakdown wasn't caused by you.

If she comes around to yours and is PA and nasty, at that point you wrap the visit up straight away. Send her home. "Right I have to get ready to do xyz now ( and don't seem to be enjoying xyz) so I need to get on. Shall I get your coat?" And every time she makes a shitty remark just ask her why she is saying that and wrap up the visit. "What is it about my jumper that you hate? Right I must get on, bye".

Unless she has the hide of a rhino and zero self awareness she will get it eventually. If she doesn't then she has zero self awareness so can never be much of a friend. I'd do that and space out each time I see her if she continues to be a shit.

Why is her Right to be rude stronger than your right to feel comfortable? I think I'd be more blunt and say "I'm clearly irritating you so I'm going home now" let her chase you up or not

She unfortunately is suffering the most horrific grief. She lost the love of her husband it’s hard to explain but knowing people that have lost husbands versus husband having affair leaving, they say death was easier

Perhaps she didn't have to care for him for many years being terminally ill, though, eh? I know what you mean, there's a loss of feeling like someone loved you. I'm a young (ish) widow and I can't say I've noticed my divorced friends, of whom I have many, acting like either me, or this lady.

I would not be up for spending money on spas, indulging her remarks and taking her insults. Not at all. I have been in terrible grief, and many of my friends have gone through divorce and widowhood. We have felt sad, depressed, angry, but I don't think any of us have turned on each other or made the other feel bad for simply having a life. There's no need or excuse for this and being left by your husband isn't one either. If she felt terrible, lost, left behind, jealous, usually people go out less and go inwards, not start shitting on their friends' lives.

I'd say something if you are very very close, but I don't think she'll react well. I can't imagine my divorced friends doing this, even the ones that were blindsided, if anything, they needed the support and hugs and nights out even more.

I agree. As soon as it happened or even for the first 6 months or so, fair enough, cut the woman some slack, but 18 months later? She's now this person. She's using her friends as a punching bag and because not sll of them have told her to get lost shes continuing. She needs to get a grip/ job/ counselling or all 3. That remark about your friends weight and asking how she was still married smacks of someone who all along thought she was better/more attractive than her friends and can't see how their husband hadn't tun off with another woman but hers has.

It kinda sounds like the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (Devastation is pretty close to denial. Anger - check. Comparing her life to yours and all the bitterness - possibly bargaining inside her thoughts? Depression - check. Just missing the acceptance stage.) So, maybe you're right to think the intense negativity your friend is experiencing is a temporary stage. Although, I'm not too sure where in the grief cycle she might be and whether she's experiencing those emotions in the oft-quoted order. I could be barking up the wrong tree, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case it helps.

It’s normal and hopefully she will get through this phase.
It doesn’t mean you have to suffer though.
Keep communication open but don’t be too involved.

JFC

That alone is enough to steer clear of her.

Its not your fault that her life has turned to shit. She sounds unhinged frankly. As said, wide berth. Wider the better!!!

I would just make yourself less available and certainly wouldn't be inviting her to lunch with your family.

Maybe see her for coffee with other friends but as others have said - if she says something mean - call her out on it.

She will either sort herself out and get a job or she will find another man - I have seen both happen to women in similar situations. The former is undoubtedly the better option although the latter may seem easier to your friend.

It seems an extreme personality change. Is she drinking more than she’s letting on? Not sure you can win here OP as she’ll probably take both confronting her or backing off as signs of badness in you as everyone is against her. If it feels right to you to speak to her then do it but being prepared for fall out, as you seem to be anyway.

I got as far as this post and I can't believe that not one single person that heard this woman say to another that she didn't know how she was remaining married because she was so fat and call her out on it like "Hey Mary! That was very uncalled for. Stop being so rude to Jane."

When she is rude call her out on it. Every time. We correct our children when they are rude and expect them to apologise so why would or should it be any different for adults.

Can I ask you @Cornishcockleshells, how strong is the friendship in this friendship group? Could you amongst yourselves decide to stage some form of intervention for this woman? Something that would shake her awake and realise that she is wasting time being angry and she needs to wake up or before too long she will have alienated her friends and possibly her kids too.

I have to say I think there's something in this - grief from death is easier because you carry no self blame. A lot of the bitterness at relationship breakdown is self hatred; feeling that you could have been a better partner and therefore the situation you're in is all your own fault.

I’m not convinced this side of her really is new, it probably just didn’t come out before because everything was going her way. I like somebody else’s suggestion of telling her that being around you is clearly upsetting her, that would allow you to distance yourself without it sounding like you’re making it about yourself. Somebody in your friendship group really needs to tell her that what she’s doing isn’t ok - that you understand what she’s going through and want to support her but that she’s hurting people’s feelings and shouldn’t be taking it out on the people that care about her. If after that she still can’t see that she’s doing anything wrong then maybe it’s time to distance yourself from her.

I agree with that.

Your friend will come round in time, it takes some people longer than others. That is just life I'm afraid. I'm sure she doesn't realise what a pain she has become, poor soul.

You are a very nice, good friend but she does need a gentle wake up call.

That's a good point about being an adult on her own as well as the grief without the death.

The fact your life so closely resembles the life she ‘lost’, it won’t be helping her to be so close to you at the moment. It’s natural for her to grieve and to feel jealous, so she needs time to accept/embrace her new life and find a way to enjoy your friendship for what it is. In order to do that she will need space from you for the time being. I think you need to be upfront about your reasons for giving her space, and frame it as above, that you understand how she feels and you want to help. But the best way to do that is to step back for now.

She’s going through a terrible time, this is all normal. Of course she will feel bitter and resentment. In truth once she’s got past this stage her life will probably change to getting a job,being in more with just her kids and finding new friends. All of you just illuminate what she also had and will make her feel terrible.

still be there as a friend but less hands on so she starts building a new life. So meet for a coffee once a fortnight etc.

Good idea. This is displaced anger… she was done wrong for sure, but she can’t blow up at people. She’s probably depressed and the drinking doesn’t help. Although it is a tragic trial by fire, her having to get a job and use her university qualification might be the making of her, allowing for some more self development and pride in accomplishments.