Friend is so bitter!

I know she's had a terrible time and obviously a lot of sympathy and leeway can be applied to people going through hard times, particularly in the immediate aftermath.

But it's very easy to be a calm and serene person when your life is calm and serene, if its 18 months on and she's still treating people poorly - it may be that she's not the person you thought she was.

I'm not saying to cut her off, but definitely take a step back and let her help herself - at the end of the day she's a grown adult and life can be horrible, she needs to brush herself off and crack on, other people can only support so much.

Do you know anything about your friend's childhood, OP? I think not having worked at all, ever, is highly unusual, and in my experience an adult who is willing just to be everyone else's handmaiden tends to have grown up knowing that they had to meet all of their parents' emotional needs to be safe from harm. Then they replicate that dynamic in their adult relationships, expecting that if they suppress their own needs in favour of meeting others' that they will be looked after physically and materially. So her husband leaving her for someone more rounded would feel like a betrayal of a pact he may not even have known he was in (as well as the marriage vows he knew he was breaking ofc) and would have shaken her core sense from childhood of how the world works.

Tbh, I think a substantial number of women grow up in that dynamic, because of how we tend to be raised never to make a fuss or push for our needs to be met. It makes me sad how many pp have posted about mothers who were irretrievably angry and bitter when husbands left them, because I suspect the same applies. It must be very hard to suddenly pull yourself together and make your way in the world as an adult when at a very basic level you're still a frightened child. I think your friend needs help, OP.

She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat.

That is unforgivable and to be honest I'd be very upset if I was the friend in question and nobody had stuck up for me and said "that's enough."

I think you are actually seeing part of her real personality, now the mask is slipping a bit. She had that thought in her head when she made that cruel comment.... previously she was perhaps able to filter herself a bit more. I can see her ex husband's point of view tbh!

You need to do her a favour and step back but tell her why. I hate confrontation too and am a bit of a coward so would probably do it over a message. Her first reaction will be defensive and more anger so I'd give her time to hopefully digest the message rather than risk a row.

If she doesn't take it on board, she is only adding drama and upset to your life now anyway. But I think she does need a friend to step in and tell her that she needs to stop and that what she's going through doesn't give her a free pass to hurt other people.

My heart breaks for people in much worse situations than this, not so much for a spoilt and privileged woman whose marriage ends. Not saying it doesn't suck but life simply IS hard and the fact that she has been able to go even 18 months without having to think about work or retraining is indicative of enormous privilege. Not perhaps compared to her set, but in most normal circles. She is behaving appalling and there really is no excuse for it.

This is good!

The only thing I would change is the "you behaved appallingly". Even though it is true she will hear this as an attack. I would say something like "I was shocked when I heard you say things that seemed so out of character. I have never heard you talk like that before and it made me worried etc...." something like that. Keep it as positive as possible.

She is acting like she has no agency over her own life and decisions going forward. Sounds like she's always been a passenger of life, now she has no pilot to steer her she has a choice to either step up and direct her own journey, or let the plane plummet to the ocean.

‘Friend - I love you and value our friendship. I’m sorry you have had such a difficult time, and I appreciate the world-ending nature of your divorce and its impact on your life. However, you are now directing your anger at me and others who care about you. At the spa you behaved appallingly, with no gratitude and no sense that I have been there for you through difficult times and was trying to give you a rest and enjoy your company. I would suggest you find a way to work
through your understandable anger and sadness at the end of your marriage. I cannot agree to continue as a scapegoat for the horrible things that have happened to you. I’m here to talk if you want to, but not to absorb anger that I don’t deserve.’

She has been spoilt and never had to live a real life. Step back and don’t be available.

Being angry and bitter is understandable. But personal attacks on entirely innocent bystanders (re. your mutual friend's weight) is not acceptable and somebody needs to say so. If it were my weight and husband brought up I'd be too ashamed and insecure to say anything but if it were a friend of mine I would stand up for them publicly and tell the woman in question how out of order that comment was. You need to stand up for each other and draw boundaries for your 'friend' setting out what you will not accept.

@Crushed23 Thank you for your kind words, it's still more than I've ever got from my mother.

I'd agree with you that in both cases it's more of a mental breakdown - sadly my mother would be beyond offended if you even suggested that though! When the judge told her -when the financial side of the divorce ended up in court - that as a 47 year old healthy woman with no dependant children she was expected to financially support herself, you would have thought he'd suggested she be sold into white slavery!

I'm afraid after 35 years my empathy for my mother has all but disappeared. She's still had a good life, but refuses to see it.

I would distance myself but personally wouldn't tell her why, she won't be able to see the woods for the trees.

I understand your friend is still upset. After 18 months she need to be taking steps to make a more positive life for herself. I'd definitely speak to her about it. If she doesn't change her ways give her a wide berth.

I think this is very insightful.

As far as what you practically do goes, I would be for some version of sitting her down and explaining that you more than understand she's suffering but her behaviour is beginning to drive people away and she needs a space to process these emotions that won't cause further damage to her life by alienating her friends.

Maybe she was never a nice person but previously she had everything she ever wanted and probably looked down on people whose lives weren't as perfect as hers.

Now, she can't believe that it has happened to her when it should be happening to the sort of people who she despises, e.g. fat people.

Relationship breakdown is pretty common but I don't know anyone who took it out on their friends. I could understand her getting drunk and slagging off her ex-husband and new partner, but not the people trying to support her.

Jesus christ, this is tragic.

I'm sorry your own mother didn't support you through a suicide attempt.

Neither your story nor the subject of the OP can be categorised as merely 'bitterness' - it's more like a complete mental breakdown.

🤷‍♀️

That's a really unhelpful suggestion. You don't want the friend to feel better, you want her to be punished.

When my parents divorced my mother was 47 and hadn't worked for 24 years...ever since my older brother was born.

Her reaction was exactly the same as your friends...the bitterness was off the charts. Same horrible bitchy statements to anyone was still married etc. Made her very difficult to be around.

Sadly, 35 years later she's still as bitter, if not more so. Like your friend, she could have really benefited from counselling but point blank refused to even consider it, in fact when I started seeing both a psychologist and psychiatrist after a suicide attempt when I was 23, she was so nasty about it that I was in tears. I've been very low contact with her ever since.

The outcome has been that she has lost most of her friends, and all her family have gone no contact with her. Like others have posted, my mother had always been 'difficult' but my father leaving revealed her true nature.

It sounds like she is wallowing in victimhood and needs to get a life. How is she able to support herself if she doesn't have a job?

I know. Quite surprising.

She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat.

😂That's hilarious - from a safe distance that is, not for you or for the "fat" wife in question! I think your divorced friend will live to regret alienating all her mates, but there's not much you can do about it - just distance yourself and wait for the dust to settle. Definitely no more spa days for such an ungrateful person!

Unfortunately she's been a victim of incredible betrayal and the loss of alive and relationship is akin to bereavement for the human brain. She will be saying things that are out of character. It's not necessarily okay but at least you know it's a form of grief and not personal. This was such a hard read, my heart breaks for her but also for you as a friend in a helpless position. I hope time is a healer.

Being upset about her own situation doesn’t give her a free pass to be downright nasty.

Tell her she’ll end up with no one if she carries on as she is.

She can't be that close a friend if you can't pull her up. I can't think of one close friend that I couldn't tell straight if they were being bitter and nasty.
Do you work op? Just with you saying lunch out? Not a judgement as I work pt and have lots of time to do stuff. I'm probably a lot older.

It may be that she feels she is looked down in by you all now and is pre-empting, saying what she thinks you're thinking before you can. ( I see that you're not like that at all, but feelings of hyper-sensitivity and inferiority can make people poisonous.) The remarks about your friend's weight sound horrible. It sounds to me like she is desperately flailing to regain some feelings of self-esteem and going about it all wrong.