Friend is so bitter!

Some people do this and it’s horrible. I had a friend do this to me when I finally got into a happy relationship after years of being the sad single friend with always a pathetic story to tell. I started to get snide comments all the time now she didn’t have anyone to look down on. Long story short, I couldn’t stand the nastiness and no longer see her.

I know my situation is slightly different but the theory is very similar.

I would guess she is in the 'burn it down' phase, where she just wants to lash out over and over. I would tell her directly that you are very sorry for what has happened in her life, but her unkind comments have to stop and you will end any encounter where one comes up. Suggest counselling as a place to work this out.

Everyone deals with this kind of devastation differently. When my H left me I guess I did occasionally feel some slight private bitterness towards happily married friends, but I wouldn’t have ever voiced this to them, or made it obvious. I was on the whole glad that they hadn’t had to experience the misery of a cheating husband and a marriage break up.

Friends and family’s support only goes so far, if your friend continues to be bitter, she’ll end up with no close support network.

No, I don't think I'm projecting, thanks.

Family dynamics are complex and not necessarily amenable to being understood from the outside. Narcissistic parents, for example, are commonly liked and admired by people outside the family, at whom their worst excesses are not directed.

So in that sense there probably wasn't much point in asking the OP about her friend's childhood, but it may well be germane. Women who have never worked used not to be uncommon, but they certainly are now. I think that warrants unpacking.

I think it’s a normal stage.
When bereaved through a death it’s normal to reach the anger stage and there’s often bitterness in there too. I’d imagine this is very similar.
Don’t be quite so available, don’t plan any treats I don’t think they help tbh. Still be a friend but you’re not her emotional punchbag.

Ah OP - but she had a perfect life because she is perfect! Perfect life, perfect husband, perfect her.

She might well have thought bitchy things about people who were fat, got dumped, had bad taste in clothes - but because her life was perfect, she didn;t need to say them.
She could look down on them from her Bohemian life, because she was perfect.

NOW of course, she is just one of 'them'. Same as everyone else. Just another 'Norm'. NOW she'll have to get a job, ffs! look after herself - when other people who are NOT PERFECT have husbands, and lovely lives...even when they are fat!

She's angry, and stuck in angry. I don't know how you get her out of being stuck in angry, and maybe it's not possible unless she gets help.

OP you are better than me, I'd have left her to it as soon as the bitchy comments started.

I think people are muddling up being angry and bitter and grieving and talking about that with your friends, which lots of people do. That's an outlet, yes it can get a bit tedious, but being a shoulder to cry on is fairly run of the mill stuff.

Not many people actually insult their friends, run them down, are ungrateful when they do nice things to them over 18 months though.

One snappy comment in deep grief, but I honestly don't have one friend who would speak to me like this or behave like this, and I didn't behave like this when I was widowed either.

I just want to have a moan and have fun with my friends, I wouldn't be up for years of this type of stuff. I have a lot of friends, but this seems to me like the stuff family would possibly put up with and probably tell you to F* off as well!

If she is prickly then don’t engage, beyond trying to get her to focus on the future.

At one level- of course she’s upset, and scared. But yelling at everyone shows she still has her head in the sand. Of course it must be scary to face life at mid-forties with zero work history, but when push comes to shove: what does she think is going to happen.
She must engage with reality: but has no intention of hearing it from you, so I wouldn’t bother.

I have been the recipient of such behaviour by a dear friend. She said deranged cruel things " Why do you have children and I don't?". I distanced myself.

It turned out that she had gone off her anti depressants and had had a massive mental breakdown. I regret it now. She later recovered. And we are back in touch.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so nasty. I understand she's hurt and going through a divorce but honestly, if I'd been the woman who was told she was too fat to be with her husband I'd have snapped back something like, "you're just horrible and nasty. No wonder your husband left you. Good for him!". Never let anyone talk to you that way. If they can dish it out they can take it!

What a difficult situation. I think I'd have to raise it with her, using examples: "when you said that to X about being fat, it was really rude and hurtful to someone who's been nothing but supportive of you."

My marriage also ended 18 months ago after an affair (not mine). I was devastated and very upset about the loss of "my life". I probably bored some of my friends by talking about it so much but I'd never have been horrible to them. They were amazing. I have had therapy which has helped resolve the difficult feelings of why it ended, what I could have done differently, etc. 18 months on I'm happy enough with my life - it's not the life I wanted or planned but I've got another few decades left I hope, and I'm not going to spend them looking back resentfully at the past. There's a whole world out there.

In your situation l would avoid and take a big step back. Yeah her life has been blown up, she won’t be the first or last. She needs to negotiate a decent divorce and live her own life. Plus be less jealous, mean and obnoxious. I say this as someone whose husband ran off with someone else, who was a friend of mine and he tried to rip me off financially

This seems to be projecting a lot, and doesn't really have any backing from what OP has actually said:
"Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. "

Doesn't sound like an abusive relationship or one where the child was expected to care for the parents' emotional needs if they remain that close and helping her out that much, now.

I think your friend needs help, OP.
She's had 18 months worth of practical and emotional help from her parents and what sounds like an incredibly good friendship group, as well as still being financially supported by her ex. That is far more than many people ever have. She might feel like a child but she's not. At some point she has to help herself.

It's so easy to write someone off as spoiled or awful, but the only thing I know about life as I get older is that we humans are so weird, complex and unpredicatble! Any one of us condemning this woman could find ourselves reacting the same way if we face a personal tragedy (which this is for her). Or not. You really never know.

And was she spoiled though? For me, the thought of being a SAHM would not be mitigated by spa days and suchlike because I am a career woman. Her life might have looked great on the surface but for me that would be hard work and I would feel like a kind of servant to a man, sacrificing my own god given ambitions. If I did that and he ran off with another woman...well the saying "hell hath no fury" comes to mind.

@Un4732 "God only knows how my friends put up with me but they did - they must have listened to HOURS of all this bitterness and hate coming out (I apologise a lot for this"

but were you being bitter to them and about them, like the fat comment OP friend made? It's one thing to hear bitter venting and another thing entirely to have someone making vicious remarks to you and about you.

Did you ask one of your friends why her husband is still with her because she's so fat?

Bitterness at the cheating husband and OW - fair.
Being nasty to friends out of jealousy - not fair.

Did you make comments like asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat?

Thats unforgivable no matter what has happened to you.

🤣🤣🤣 never had a job?! Did she think he would bank roll her forever? Also loving the description of her “bohemian lifestyle”. He worked (probably in the city or law etc), she shopped at John Lewis, bought clothes from Monsoon etc. Doesn't sound very bohemian. Sounds very suburban middle class

Why does she feel sorry for your husband?

I think you can usually get a measure of someone by how they behave when things aren't going their way - comments like the fat one to your friend, and about your husband are unacceptable

All this back away, distance yourself advice...very cold and cruel - probably ones that have never had to go through it.

Not true. Been through it and more. Did nothing but help. When she started slating me because my life hadn’t turned out the way hers did, why would I stick around to get slated? Why would anyone.

being hurt doesn’t give you the right to hurt others.

OP I was the bitter one if I'm honest. My perfect life was blown up.

God only knows how my friends put up with me but they did - they must have listened to HOURS of all this bitterness and hate coming out (I apologise a lot for this!). 18 months is not long to adjust to a new life, betrayal and all the upheaval. Throw in a hideous divorce and all the legal wrangling - sheesh - poor woman.

It's been 6 years for me and I say it's only in the last 2 I'm back to myself. It's come with indifference to the situation - my life moved on (for the better - never thought I'd say that) and when things settle for your friend and she carves her new life, which hopefully will be better, you'll have her back and she'll be stronger.

All this back away, distance yourself advice...very cold and cruel - probably ones that have never had to go through it. It is arduous but I'm now there for two of my friends that are going through separation and i will be there no matter what and listen to all the hate because I know that's what's needed to process it all.

after 18 months I think most people wouldn't be accepting of completely unnecessary personal insults against third parties even after a bereavement tbh...

I have to say OP if I was the friend who had been insulted about her weight after spending 18 months supporting this person, I'd be pretty upset that all the rest of the friend group just let it slide and didn't stand up for me because they were 'too shocked.' I think someone needs to say something to divorcing friend asap before the whole friendship group starts taking sides and breaking up.

You sound like an amazingly thoughtful and kind friend, but this woman's situation and subsequent fall-out is now impacting you negatively.
Time to reinforce that you're there for her, and that you will always listen to her, but you must step back and give her space.
This woman likely will need professional help, like counselling and job counselling.
Has she been for a physical check up? Talked to a doctor? She's festering the hurt, processing it and it's not not helping that it's now making her so angry, and her DC, it must be doubly dreadful for her too to have her mum lashing out and being so negative to those she loves, such as you and her other friends.

I think you are giving her an out. I’m returning to work next year - spent last 4 years doing an MA and PhD so will start teaching 16+/undergrad. I’m 55 and not been employed for 20 years (though did have an afterschool care/childminding business for 4-5 years a while back). For context I have 2 children with SEN needs and no close family so have had to be the at home carer for a DH who travels globally with his job.

I’m nervous, have to ‘qualify’, a little daunted - but I need new non-mummy/school gate friends and a life outside my kids. Also feel my self esteem will grow (its been a bit low for years) and think having some money of my own will be hugely helpful in that, as well as offer some protection if DH is made redundant etc. Underneath it all I am also a bit excited and hoping I will make some new friends with similar interests to me (just one who reads books would be a bonus) or even meet people who will introduce me to new things outside the bubble of motherhood/SEN kids.

If your friends has a degree she could absolutely go back to uni to do a vocational Masters - student loans are not means tested and fully available for mature students, so would cover tuition fees and a bit left over for travel/socialising and she won’t have to repay any of it until her personal income reaches £26k ish. I took my MA loan out at 52 and my PhD one at 53. Ironically they will be written off at 60 if I’ve not repaid them.

They are crying out for psychologists, SEN specialists, speech therapists, teachers (!) - I could go on - and any of those would welcome a mature entrant.