Friend is so bitter!

Yes I think that does make a massive difference. Getting over narcissistic abuse is extremely hard and if her husband was abusive behind closed doors that is one of the textbook definitions of being a narcissist. I think she is on the verge of a mental breakdown. I grew up in a narcissistic family and when it came crashing down I completely lost me in the fallout. You might be experiencing this from your friend. It doesn’t change that she is not allowed to be cruel or unkind to her friends when she recovers but it does explain her complete personality change.

It explains why she doesn't work but is also a really good reason why she should get a job now. It will do her the world of good.

For what it’s worth from previous friends who drank a lot and were unhappy with their lives sometimes a close friend just being there for them, supportive but non judgmental, this can be key to help them drink less and move forwards. I’ve tried this with one friend when she had career issues, men issues and was drinking to excess because she could.

Maybe this is the way she was with her husband and that’s why he left? 🤷‍♀️

Your friend sounds as though she's on a one way trip to a complete breakdown OP. Unless she tries to get control of herself she'll be damaging not just herself but her young children too. If she can't do it for herself, she needs to do it for them.

If this is not a face to face discussion you can have, do you think there would be any benefit in writing it down in a letter, so she can read your concerns without feeling got at in the moment?

You sound like a very kind person, who is continuing to offer support when others have already backed off. She doesn't realise how lucky she is to have you in her life.

🙄

I wondered if she was depressed. Sounds like it to me. Understandable imo. I would encourage her to not accept her lot but to strive for the life she wants. Don’t treat her as a victim but more encourage her to make the most of all the freedom she has! She is still lucky imo. Lots of good in what you’ve said.

Lincoln24 has it.

Your friend is grieving and angry. Unfortunately she has been in a relationship all her adult life, and has no experience of being single. Her married friends will remind of of her loss and make life seem very unfair

She has a long and difficult road ahead.I have been through similar. I am living a good life but it took me years to get back on track.

My advice to you would be to see her on girly dates only, no visits to your family and encourage her to seek counselling and consider voluntary work as a first step.

That or a drink problem, @Cornishcockleshells .

She might be thinking - how is it that she's been left alone while similar friends are still married? She doesn't get that it's because life quite literally is unfair - we can't predict what happens to any of us. There is no secret recipe for keeping a husband - so much depends on you, them, money, work, others.

But those of us perceived to have a nice life can have struggles she's probably not even aware of. Let's face it, if she's never worked she's been very privileged so far. And too far up her own butt to see it yet.

I wonder if she's now an alcoholic (any possibility she's been one all along?) - the ones I know don't eat very much either. They get just enough calories from the wine to survive.

Well that makes her comment about your friend’s weight slightly more understandable. She needs to go to therapy. Apart from making her good friends uncomfortable and sad I imagine she’s grim to live with. Her kids won’t be having much fun either.
My mum was very angry for a good long while, despite it being her calling time on the marriage. I hope someone can persuade your friend to talk to a therapist.

You seem like a great friend OP.

Your friend has every right to be bitter and angry at the world. They don't have the right to take that out on other people, especially those trying to look after them.

Ultimately, regardless of how much effort you and others put in, and regardless of how badly this has affected them, they will have to move on or face the consequences...it seems like they're already doing the latter with other friends stepping away.

As a widow I totally get her anger and bitterness. Obviously I don’t condone her being obviously unpleasant to you but you have no idea what it is like and I have to say I have friends that I have distanced myself dur to their complete disregard.

Leave her to it

But how is any of that cause to call your friend fat?

Don't abandon her. You may have to take a step back for a while for your own well being, but don't abandon her. She has faced enough of that.

We live in such a sexist world. She has lost the status of marriage. It's a really big deal (I speak as a committed singleton. Believe it or not women's status is still to some degree seen to be enhanced by their association with a more powerful man).

Why, at this point, though?

I mean, no friend would get away with speaking to me like that. Or bitch all day if I had invited her on a day out.

I think never having worked is a massive hole in her personal development which is why she's become unbearable because of some adversity now. Most of us learn to be diplomatic at work because we all have to deal with other adults who are difficult and obnoxious sometimes and we learn to become resilient to it rather than speaking out. Unfortunately, I think it is even true to an extent where people spend too long out of the workforce and become too dependent on a spouse or partner's income.

People lose their independence, sense of identity and their sense of worth comes too enmeshed in this way of life. Then when it's ripped away they become bitter and channel their energies on hurting people rather than getting up and dusting themselves down. I've lost count of the number of clients for example who, if they channeled just half as much energy into finding a job and finding themselves instead of pursuing an ex with unrealistic demands for money in order to hurt them, would be much happier people.

For the OP's friend, the reality is she's facing a sink or swim scenario. She won't be funded by her ex forever and she will need to get a job. It will be good for her and it will shift her attention away from what she had and on to her own future.

sometimes people are just unpleasant. They don't need to have had a sad childhood backstory to justify it.

We already know the friend has had one unpleasant thing happen in her life which explains her current behaviour but it still doesn't excuse it. So even if she did have other issues before that, there is still no excuse for lashing out on those who don't deserve it.

Perhaps the friend she insulted had a terrible childhood and suffered from an eating disorder and friend's cruel comment brought it all back!

We (and OP) don't need to know and really it's irrelevant - if divorcing!friend wants to be psychoanalysed she can pay for a therapist, it's not for OP to be armchair diagnosing her without any evidence.

I wouldn’t necessarily sit her down for ‘a chat’ but I would be inclined to snap back when she next says something. Such as ‘We all know what happened to you was dreadful, but speaking to your best mates like they’re shit on your shoe really won’t help Jenny.’

It might shock her in to reining it in a bit.

Honestly your friend is being ridiculous and you and your other friends need to stop allowing her to get away with being so horrid.

My dh lost his son in February and not once has he been mean or cruel to me for still having my daughter.

Yes he is hurt, angry, grieving, confused and every other emotion under the sun. Yes he is bitter and jealous and gets upset when dd and I fight abiut the normal stuff parents and their tweets fight about. But he appreciates that is his issue and never takes it out in us.

Yes what your friend is going through is hard but it does not give hwr the right to be a bitch.