Friend is so bitter!

This sounds more likely!
All this pandering to her and expecting friends to put up with verbal abuse is ridiculous.

If she has reached a stage where she begrudges you your happiness and good fortune then she's no longer a friend.

She has a lovely life, this is her first serious set back and she isn’t coping very well.

oh op. Sorry, I’m back, you can’t say this!!!!! This is the biggest setbacks life can hand you outside of death and health issues!!! It’s not a bloody competition!!! And you don’t know how you’d go through it because you haven’t and hopefully never will!

Clearly her life wasnt lovely if she had an abusive or narcissistic dh.

I would not cut her loose but try to talk to her firmly but kindly.

She’s just walking under a dark cloud and can’t see anything around her. I’ve never ever felt the grief (since my dad died) of dh saying he’s not sure he loves me anymore. For weeks I had to make myself put one foot in front of the other and would cry every day and every night (difficult with kids and trying to act like nothing is wrong!!) and as for the ‘financially she’ll be fine’- which would you rather- money or your life with your dh by your side as he said he would be when you walked down the aisle?!!

Saying that, I don’t know what can get through to her- to all suggesting marriage counselling- out of the people I know who’ve gone, a percentage got something life changing out of it, others came out bitter that in the end everything was still the same- it’s a mindset thing, which, op, is your friend’s problem unfortunately. As others have said maybe say it and see how you go. Well done for all you’ve done to date x

OP, u will need to be cruel to be kind. You need to have an honest conversation with your friend. She has every right to be hurt and bitter and would benefit from counselling but won't engage in it. I suggest you tell her how bitter and destructive she is becoming. In the longterm, these feelings end up being corrosive. The disadvantage of your friend not working is that she has relied entirely n her husband and has no diversion for the bomb that has imploded in her 'perfect' life. No such thing and no-one is exempt

This happened to me too. I backed right off. Eventually, after some months, I received a text of apology to which I responded telling her not to worry etc. However the majority of friendships she had before were on the whole never the same again. After her traumatic divorce, she preferred to surround herself with people who had also suffered in the same way as her, and shared similar problems regarding coparenting etc, which was understandable.

Yes @Cornishcockleshells what @InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom suggests is sensible

her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it.

This sounds almost exactly like a friend of mine. I've no idea if her DP was all she said he was but it is almost the same story.
My friend had a drink problem.

Agree, this woman does not sound anything like someone who would be a handmaiden or put other people before her!!

I agree. I can't believe she said she feels sorry for your husband!! what an awful thing to say.
I think she's had almost too much support and hasn't really begun to process it, that will happen when you all back off a bit and she really has to sit with herself and deal with her emotions.

Don't hold your breath.

We were part of a friendship group of 8 couples. Some of us have known each other since primary school, some of us married into the group in our twenties . We are in our sixties now so it's a very long lasting friendship even among the blow-ins.

About 18 years ago one of the men left his wife and understandably she took it very hard. Financially she is fine, set for life, living mortgage free in a million pound house and with a share of his pensions and their savings but she was very shaken and lonely.

The women in the group rallied round, made sure she was included in any girls lunches/trips/weekends away, met for coffee, chatted, etc. An accountant among us helped her sort out her finances. At the same time the men in the group stuck by the DH. When there were mixed sex meet-ups the wife would be invited first and if she couldn't make it then the husband (and after a few years, his new wife) could be invited. The husband was fine with this - he felt guilty about leaving her and wanted her to have other support around her.

This went on for nearly 15 years. At the end of that time she was as angry and bitter as she was at the start. Every social event she'd lead by saying 'I'm totally over Peter' and then rant and complain about him all night. TBH I think most people were getting very tired of her. I certainly tried to avoid her but she was a very old friend and I hoped she'd eventually get back to her old self.

3 years ago one of the men had a big party for his 60th. He and the ex husband have been besties since they were about 10. They were best men for one another and are godparents to one another's DC. He decided it was more important to have his best mate Peter there than the ex-wife. To her credit, the birthday boy's wife took the ex wife out for coffee and explained the situation - her husbands reasoning and that the ex wife was still welcome and we'd rally round and help her avoid Peter.

She did not take it well. She walked out of the coffee shop and removed herself from all our WhatsApp groups. A couple of women texted/phoned her a few times and one actually wrote to her but she has not responded. After 30+ years of friendship and 15 years of emotional and practical support she ghosted an entire group.

And as Uncle Bryn would say 'And I, for one, am glad!' She was a massive PITA the last few years.

I know someone like this. Thankfully calmed down a bit now after 6 years!
With her it was the shock at being left and change in lifestyle and status. The audacity of her ex for leaving her, was what she couldn't get past. She freely admitted there was little love in their marriage, no sex and separate interests.
She also hadn't worked for years and managed to get a settlement whereby she still doesn't need to work.
The other thing I'd say as someone who's divorced and been on their own for a while is that married friends don't get it, however kind they are. This does not excuse rudeness or meanness but in the long run, your friend may need to find a new set of friends.
This is what I did, though I'd like to think I was never rude or nasty to my old friends. I actually have double the number of friends now. I maintained the old ones and built new ones alongside.

I guess it comes down to the fundamentals of identity and relationships. Identity being about her beliefs being shattered, her sense of self being eroded and her purpose going. Relationships being about not being able to trust herself about making good decisions about safe people to have relationships with.

I think as a previous poster pointed out, if particularly women are being abused then it is extremely likely that somewhere along the way they learned (or usually were taught) to accept those types of relationships. In abusive relationships the abused partner can serve the role of centring the ship in a family.

Their job of centring the ship is where they get their esteem and purpose and pride from but if the other partner is abusive there can be a huge collapse as the delusion of the whole situation crashes down which it would do if he left.

A mental breakdown from my experience is more relentless crying along with anger, anxiety and depression.

You could kindly ask her if she’s seen her doctor or would she want you to go with her.

@Cornishcockleshells I wouldn't try and diagnose if I were you. On the one hand she could be depressed and expressing her feelings as anger. On the other hand, she could be a narcissist who is dealing with rejection by slandering her ex and being nasty to her friends because he isn't around any more. Or, it could be neither of those things.

I had a friend like this. We were all afraid to say anything and just figured it would settle with time. It didn’t and we all drifted away from her in the end because none of us could deal with her relentless negativity and anger.

Just a thought though. If she's bitter, she might be lying about what her home life was like in order to inflict reputational damage on her ex.

For example, she might claim she wasn't allowed to work now. However, this might be a lie to get sympathy and a better financial settlement rather than the objective truth. I'm always a bit suspicious of people who say they "weren't allowed to work" but then haven't done anything about finding work after separation and channel all their energies into trying to win a settlement so that they don't have to work.

This is so tough all round. Objectively of course she doesn’t have the right to be cruel and unkind to those friends who are trying to be helpful and supportive. But real life is more nuanced than that, and she may have just been so utterly shell shocked by what has happened that she’s lost all capacity to emotionally regulate and control her behaviour. If it’s this, it’s still fine to refuse to accept cruelty and verbal abuse from her - that wouldn’t make you a bad friend!! No matter how sad you are, 18 months post breakup, you know that calling your friend fat and undeserving of a relationship is unacceptably cruel. She can of course behave how she chooses - and you can choose to accept that behaviour or not.

How hard can you insist on some medical intervention? Can you offer to go with her to GP?

Agree about the abuse making it different. She could well be on edge of breakdown. Given she's got two kids she's needs support asap.

Could you speak with her parents ?

You need to put boundaries in place around her comments, politely but firmly. She is deeply traumatised. It does change you. But you can still say that you understand the pain she is in but X comment was not acceptable and you can't put up with such comments being made.'

You know, like you would with an angry child.

I would say that every time until it stopped. If it never stopped, only then would I walk.