Friend is so bitter!

I’d back off and not be available , if she asks why just tell her you’ve moved on.
she needs to fend for herself for awhile instead of you and friends molly coddling her.

"Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!"

Did you just take this nastiness from her? I wouldn't have.

Be honest. Meet for coffee, just the two of you, no distractions. Tell her you consider her one of your best friends, you love her/her children very much. You are gutted about what she is going through and you want to help and support her, you understand that she is hurt and angry but that recently the comments she has made directed at you/your life/your husband have upset you and no more will be tolerated. You are there for love and support, not to be her punching bag. Take it from there.

So why did he apparently 'not let her work'...?

This is hard as she's so heartbroken. She sounds like she needs a focus outside of it. Having the time to find a job after the split is a privilege, it also means she has more time to ruminate on everything and that may not be helpful. Could she start volunteering to get something on her CV and give her something outside of the heartbreak? This is the second thread I've seen with a heartbroken women who has tons of support who seems to be coping worse than someone without as much, there was another one about a sister. I wonder if having to do things for yourself/work/study is a distraction.

An interesting post.

Sounds like your friend is heading in a similar direction OP.

Unfortunately and very sadly some people never recover from a break up.

I knew someone who had to be admitted because of it, and it still affects her terribly some 25 years later.

You know I read this and I can see that in a group dynamic like this, despite years of socialising - there are always 'outsiders' ... I think the term used here is 'blow ins'. It doesn't make a jot of difference how accommodating people are, you can sense if you are being accommodated rather than truly an integral part of the group.

Like the language here.... 'one of men left his wife ' ... The first loyalty of the group is to the man... The wife is being accommodated by the other wives- rallying around- and then being pissed 15 years later when the men want to celebrate together first...

Because all that 15 years was fine. But it was about being accommodating and accommodated.

I suspect the woman here OP in your group feels the same. She feels it. You feel it. But it's fleeting and you just can't quite grasp it. It's a difference that is blindingly obvious but no one wants to admit.

This happened to my Mum. My dad had an affair seven years ago and the bitterness never stopped. I struggle to be around her now because every conversation leads back to my Dad. If a small thing happens then my Dad has done something worse.

She has barely any friends anymore because I imagine they struggle be around her too. Her friends tentatively tried to tell her but she didn’t listen. I do wonder if things would have been different if one of them would have sat her down and had a very frank chat about it though.

Agree.

Can you imagine the reaction on here if the sexes were reversed, her husband had never worked, ever.
She needs to learn to support herself, if she's not willing to take that on board you're better off distancing yourself from her

If you have sat on the fence and not at least pulled back with less contact, then you are enabling her. It is not acceptable for her to be abusive to anybody, no matter the explanation.

OP - did her husband stop her from working? (That you know of)

If you want to carry on being her friend, and think she's nearing a nervous breakdown, I'd go with the 'you do need to see the GP, medical help, therapy' and encourage her to seek help with her drinking.

This is going to be pretty awful for her children as well, if she's like this around them. My mum was devastated when my dad left her for another younger woman (lucky as it turned out as he was a cheating arse more than once) but she did not ever speak badly about my dad or try to turn us against him. She let us draw our own conclusions, allowed us to have or not a relationship with him and it was so clear he was an arse and she was not that it didn't need spelling out.

I appreciate that, it allows me to see my dad for what he is but also to have a long term relationship with him, which over 20 odd years later, is important to me.

Perhaps it's not coming on them, perhaps it's just all saved for you, but if she's that close to the edge, it'll be spilling everywhere. I'd tell her quite gently but bluntly that she needs medical/GP/therapy/advice to support her, and explain that compassionately once, I'd then back right away as I don't have friends who say nasty things about me, no exceptions.

I’d try my best to be there for her, as it sounds like she’s had a horrible time and this is out of character. But I would 100% pick her up, politely, if she makes horrible comments. Not a blazing row, but “Gosh Nat, that’s a horrible thing to say, where did that come from.” Or “My goodness that was rude.” If she’s bad company just make your excuses and leave “Look it’s obvious that you’re not enjoying this today, let’s both head home and meet up again when you’re more in the mood.”

Putting up with really bad behaviour does her no favours- so give her some leeway but do have some boundaries which you’re happy to maintain.

Take a step back to protect yourself. Unhappy people like this can be very hurtful and there’s no point sticking your hand in a hornet’s nest frankly. She probably won’t even mind. Doesn’t sound like your spa day cheered her up anyway. You don’t need to rescue her.

She has a lovely life, this is her first serious heart break and she isn’t coping very well.

If her ex husband is an arsehole who didn't let her work then this is not her first setback. She is probably aggravated by the fact that he clipped her wings for years and now he's left her high and dry when she could have been setting herself up all those years. The security might have been her consolation for him being an arse and now she's lost it. And right now her life isn't lovely, far from it. She's heartbroken, blindsided and in a period of huge upheaval. Would you find it lovely?

She absolutely shouldn't be making these sorts of comments, of course. It's inexcusable. Still, I think I can sort of see how someone on the cusp of mental collapse will be trapped in their own head and just say things because they aren't really connected to the world. You don't have to put up with it but if she really is usually a great person, you might be able to forgive her for being her worst self at her worst time if she's in any way receptive to trying to be better. If not...I guess she's made her choice.

Edit: Your original said setback, not heartbreak...I responded accordingly.

My ex-husband is, 8 years later, still in the bitter phase and I think even his own family are a bit 'enough already'. I think people would be more sympathetic if he was more 'I've lost someone I loved so much' and less 'how dare she leave me'. Someone can have something objectively very bad happen to them but also be kind of an asshole. It can't become an excuse for treating other people poorly and certainly not as more and more time passes. I've had a couple of friends have horrendous things happen to them - frankly much worse than this scenario - and they are still fundamentally decent people who treat people decently. And if they are feeling particularly low or even bitter, they retreat rather than attack because they know they are being unfair.

Not to drip feed but would it make any difference if I said we also found out her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it.

But she did have a choice and she chose not to work. She chose to marry and stay with a man who wouldn't 'let' her work.

I'd have publicly pulled her up there and then when she made the comment about your friend. And I imagine your friend is gutted that noone said anything.

The only thing I disagree with is that women have always worked. The only women who did not work were those who could afford not to, this was never most women. The significant rise in non-working women occurred with the children of the baby boomer generation, where salarys increased but even then, most women were employed. It's worth noting that the divorce rate surged among that specific group the new middle class where the wife was a homemaker, which suggests that we are now seeing the results of middle-class women becoming completely disconnected from their perceived rightful standard of living, as it was never theirs; it belonged to their husband. Your contrtubition to the home as no fisical impact outside the home for YOU.

I would respond sharply to a friend who was this cheeky and I agree that this perspective reflects a raw, unfiltered take, so that was in her you undetstand those thoughts. Take a moment to think of people you know who have suffered terrible losses—did they engage in body-shaming? If they did, it might be time to rethink your friend group. Or more likely you have a clearer picture of your friends character.

I meant to say this is her first serious heart break, he is her one and only partner. It’s not like my dh and I whom had relationships before meeting each other. He is all she has ever known.
But they got married- vowed about staying together forever, you think this is your person who has your back for life. Plus your family is prised apart and everything you knew changes. Very different to any other break ups.

I think major set backs like this expose underlying character. You get the people who are hard to be around for a while but acknowledge what they are doing and get back to their usual self, and then the ones who stoke their sense of bitterness and anger - a kind of 'how dare this happen to me'. One woman I knew through a group was awful, completely unsympathetic when I was losing a parent on the grounds that 'everybody has lost someone'. Regardless of the fact she used the death of her spouse 10 years earlier as a get out of jail free card whenever she was called out about bad behaviour and would introduce the fact she had been widowed into every conversation. In this case if she is drinking heavily there may be hope she is not fundamentally a jerk. But for your own sake, you need to take a step back and tell her why.