Friend is so bitter!

No. Being an abusive drunk is never normal or acceptable. People do NOT have to put up with it and should NOT enable it. Nor can they change her if she doesn't want help. She has refused counselling or to widen her horizons. Her supporters need to walk away.

Of course but it is a normal reaction and they can't help it. Time will help her.

I don't see that it makes any difference. It was a cruel comment and totally unacceptable, whether drunk or sober / long time drinker or recent issue

It sounds like she has possibly had some sort of mental breakdown as a result of the trauma she’s gone through. I had a sort of nervous breakdown a few years ago - several things led to it and I just became very numb and didn’t care about anything, including peoples feelings. I said some quite awful things to my dh but I just saw it as being honest and not wanting to hide my feelings anymore.

It’s no excuse though and I would definitely distance myself for now - you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to just stop being available as others have said.

You sound like a lovely friend but I wouldn’t be taking her on any more spa weekends!

People can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Stop enabling her by continuing to be her verbal punchbag. Every single time she says something nasty pull her up , every single time. How she reacts is her problem but you need to let her know you are not willing to put up with this treatment any longer. It's fine to let her know you still want to be her friend but not on those terms.

I'd give her some space. She might complain about that or try to make.you feel bad about not being there but you have all been kind and supportive - at some point she needs to accept reality and not take her bitterness out on you or she might find her support network rapidly dwindles.

Why would anyone flame you for not being more empathetic? You haven’t said anything to her, you’ve been too stunned!

If she's mean and aggressive when drunk, then it's a whole different kettle of fish.
Was alcohol a pronlem for her before the breakdown of the marriage? Or it is now due to the divorce?

She is catty and cruel because she knows she can. You enable it, by sitting on the fence, and podgy wife is wet and won´t give it back with two barrels. She knows this. If she had opposite her someone blunt, I assure you she would abstain.
Your friendship is already damaged. By her. I suspect she will find a new friendship group more akin to her new circumstances and will drop you all cold.
So as a pp pointed out, no need to put up with the unacceptable, she will certainly not be around to help you out, should you need it. I think your ways have definitely parted.

Op this is difficult but does not excuse her behaviour. My friend had awful time personally. I got pure abuse in texts and called horrible. Got blocked when she wanted control. Anyway decided dont need this crap. While she is going through alot your friend its draining too listening to it all. Be less available.

I think 18 months is a long time but she clearly is not coping well.

No we shouldn’t snap at our friends or unravel but not everyone is impervious. We can’t all be beacons of light and resilient. We all have our own level of strength or obstacles.

I think she’s depressed & needs professional help or is experiencing complex grief over the marriage or something attachment related and complex.

I agree with this @Cornishcockleshells

Your friendship is ruined already. Not by you, by her.

18months is long enough for her to get out of the blackest of the black hole bit of all this and her resenting you and your happiness is poisonous to your friendship. She has broken your trust in her an you will forever wonder what she's thinking and saying behind your back.

You have nothing to gain by facilitating her bitterness, and if you tell her and she takes it on board happy days, if she doesn't', and blows up, you have all the space you need to make a decent friend of someone else.

Sounds like she’s more upset about her lovely life of gardening, painting and not working is going to end than the end of her relationship

I think as women we are quite precious these days about negativity and people going through hard times. I think it’s our generation and people that are privileged to an extent, we have a very low threshold for tolerance and not a huge amount of empathy. We sort of see people as “killing the vibe”.

It sounds like your friend is irritable and depressed. She’s just been through a really tragic life event and it sounds like it is a divorce where it’s blindsided her & more complicated than someone whose had time to process and their relationship gets progressively worst.

Its probably not just the money she’s missing but the family unit and having a partner. The prospect of dating and being completely alone with hospital visits or a sick child, yourself being sick or a family tragedy or death, of starting again dating and the prospect of growing old alone.

It would be hard to be happy and to then have your life change instantly.

No you don’t deserve bitterness and snappy comments and you did deserve gratitude but could it be she’s a bit depressed ? Or her emotional and mental limits have been pushed. If you’ve never experienced being pushed to your limit, it feels like your emotions are shot and raw and there’s not a buffer between you and the world.

She probably is really jealous, & feeling a shift of identity and her foundations and position shaken, so what.

She needs to be reminded that things can be better and to see a GP & encouraged to see a counsellor.

I think she sounds burnt out by this and depressed.

She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.
Regardless of how much she's hurting, that's beyond bitchy and vindictive, and there's absolutely no excuse for it.
She's going to alienate all her friends if she carries on like this.

why would you do this to yourself more than once? Don't invite her again.

Just try and see this differently. You THINK she was lovely, happy and sunny when you knew her before her H left, but you have no idea what she was like behind closed doors, her personality would not have been completed reversed. maybe she was 'awful, picking fault and being PA' with her H? maybe he couldn't take it anymore?

Not normal and certainly not acceptable to take it out on a friend who has been extra good to her for a considerable time.
I'm sorry but it's time for the friend to stop wallowing in self pity and do something to help herself (counselling, new interests etc). Other people have far worse things to cope with, and often without all the excellent support system that she's got.
Continued bitterness is harmful for her and her kids and will erode that support system bit by bit.
I've been there and I know!

In my first job after graduation, I had a couple of friends/colleagues who I hung out with outside of work from time to time. One weekend we went to a cabin and invited along another colleague who I didn't know well. He husband had left her for another woman 25 years previously and she was still so bitter about it. It was all she talked about. Her husband and the OW had go on to have twins, both of which were severely handicapped. My colleague rejoiced over how hard their lives were. It was a good lesson for me at a young age in who I did not want to be and how I did not want to end up in life. None of us there actually said to this woman that her behaviour was unacceptable and we didn't want to listen to it, we just pulled away. But she was a colleague and not a friend. I would try to talk to your friend before pulling back, OP. Even if she doesn't like what she hears now and reacts badly, it may encourage her to take steps to amend her behaviour so she doesn't get stuck in this phase for decades.

To be honest sitting on the fence is enabling her continued bad behaviour. By listening and not questioning her / pulling her up you are allowing her to believe that all the bitterness and nasty comments she is making are ok - they are not.

No matter what terrible situation you find yourself in ( I was widowed very suddenly and my life was completely turned upside down) yes you go through the various stages as a break up is like grief, but it does not give you a free pass to be awful to your friends and criticise using awful comments.

While it may hurt your friendship you owe it to her to point out the impact her comments / behaviour are having and the result is friends are stepping back , while what is is going through is indescribably bad, she can’t criticise others with personal attacks. Suggest that it appears that she is struggling with seeing everyone else continuing to live their lives so perhaps best if you step back for a while and suggest she seeks some help through her GP for some therapy / counselling. I wouldn’t get into the situation with her husband - it’s only hearsay and conveniently raised now she is alone so you are unable to comment and that could suck you further in to her woe is me narrative.

Perhaps you stepping back for a while might be the prompt she needs to move forward / seek help as so far your sitting on the fence has helped enable her cycle of poor behaviour and to create her vicious circle.

Well, under those circumstances I can certainly understand you doing that. It would have only caused a bigger scene and even more stress for you if you'd challenged her.

I would have had words with her when she was on her own and sober though.

OP I feel for you to an extent but you’re being a bit wet. How uncomfortable for the rest of your guests. This was in your home, you’re perfectly within rights to call her out whether that’s in the moment or the next morning. I can’t believe the way you all just let her go on… at what point does it stop?! Is she nasty to her kids, drunk at home every night?

Our friend was very upset about the weight comment, and a few of the girls have taken a step back after that in solidarity with her, I have sat on the fence if I’m honest

@Cornishcockleshells why are you sitting on the fence? Even now, you could send a message to bitter friend to say she crossed a line, and tell upset friend that you've done so

Is she an alcoholic?