Friend is so bitter!

Been there, got that tee-shirt. Now 12 years on and she is still bitter. The friendship group is not what it was as people found her bitterness and moaning draining. Her divorce dominated meet-ups for a couple of years.

She frittered away loads of money, hoped the ex would bail her out (he didn’t), struggled to find a job as she considered most things beneath her but now has to work to 68 to pay off the mortgage.

Now just meet her for coffee occasionally. She reminisces about our old meet-ups and fun-times but then the comparisons start again.

I recommend letting her suggest meet ups but don’t be so readily available. Comparison is the thief of joy especially when she starts comparing children, saying how yours have many more advantages

I think you were right to not call her out when she was drunk.

But I think you need to text her and tell her what she said and how the comments really hurt you.

Her reply will tell you everything you need to know.

That assumes that she is not lying about her ex's expectations about her working. Given that she's done nothing to find work since the separation I'm somewhat skeptical that her claims that she didn't work because she wasn't allowed are true. It's also incredibly odd that she chose to never work since university; if she had ever wanted to work I suspect she would have ended the relationship then surely?

I know several men who could be and are described this way. I don’t think it is restricted to women, or atleast not in my own circles.

It could be an idea to say all of this in a letter.

Someone who isn’t scared of being around anger needs to sit her down and tell her bluntly that they love her but she needs to calm down now if she wants to keep her friends.

Despite my previous comment about her wallowing, there is a very, very small part of me that can understand why she thought (not said) what she did.

She is humiliated. And that spilled out.

She thought being beautiful, loving, slim (I presume), having her H's children, keeping a wonderful home etc would be enough. She gave him her best, to her detriment by kowtowing to his wish that she didn't work. To find out that your best is not enough is totally humiliating. I have been there.

Then she sees another woman in a happy marriage, maybe not as "good-looking" in her eyes, maybe overweight, with a husband who adores her and thinks "that isnt how it should be. How can SHE still have her husband when I tried so hard and mine went off?" I had a period of thinking this way, fortunately not for long and I never ever said anything to upset my friends.

It is warped and totally wrong, and she should have kept her nasty views to herself. But she didn't and needs to be told that she has gone way too far.

I wonder if we ever use the term bitter to describe men or is it just used for women?

I suspect that she has a drink problem and that she needs help. But it doesn’t sound like she’s ready for that. That’s her choice of course but if I’m right, it will be adversely affecting her children.

You need to step back a bit op. And your friend needs some new friends too.

Glad you have decided to address it op

an update would be great

There are a lot of posts here assuming the ex was a controlling narcissist based solely on the OP's interpretation of what her difficult friend has claimed. The trouble for me though is that this friend also displays many attributes of a narcissist. We cannot possibly know whether one or other, both or neither are narcissists and shouldn't speculate.

To be honest, I would’ve stood this only for so long, one more comment and I’ve have had her nose off! I’m sympathetic to a point, but I’m certainly not going to be someone’s whipping boy. Get a backbone.

You have got to speak to her

Chances are she doesnt realise how bitter and negative shes become and the more you as friends back off from her without explaining - the more bitter she will feel

Be an adult, have a conversation

If your heart breaks this easily you must go around in a permanent state of trauma. What happened to the OP's friend is shit, no doubt about it, but it is also sadly common and her friends are perfectly within their rights to not take her crap anymore and yes, leave her to it. They should feel no guilt about doing so at this stage. I wouldn't worry too much about being gentle with her, she has showed zero consideration towards the large cast of supporters she has had. I have known people go through such much more with so much more dignity, and with nothing like so much privilege or advantages in life. I'd be saving my tears and my support for them.

How with a possibly coercively controlling narc who trapped her at home - leading to self harm in the form of ED and alcohlism.....seems she might have been wearing a mask and fooled everyone carrying that load until he abandoned her.

However her behaviours to you all are unacceptable - the above explains it but never excuses it.

As others have said she needs prof support for DA, ED, Drinking etc - thats the big stuff - but the 'little' stuff needs assertively addressing for her own sake.

End the friendship, she’s toxic and probably always was, she just used to hide it. It’s pretty clear why her husband left

Can’t help it? This is not normal behaviour by any stretch. Worse things happen to people.

Honestly - this is unacceptable behaviour

She is a grown woman and whilst I can understand her life has been upended it does not give her the right to be persistently rude and obnoxious

I think you should send her a gentle message about her behaviour and see how she reacts

You are especially vulnerable since she feels like you life mirrored her previous one

She does need to get a job too!

Even if she was having a MH crisis this does not excuse rude behaviour

I think she really does need professional help to guide her out of this. Hopefuy the penny will drop and she will go - there she can vent and vent.

Honestly feel so bad for her, because I get it - that horrible grief, anger and feeling of unfairness. You want to lash out at everyone and everything as you need to - as my therapist said - "burn the wood".

She doesn't have the right to have said such hurtful things to the people trying to help her though, no. But she is not functioning as her normal self and won't be for some time. My heart breaks with every poster advising you to leave her to it.

Maybe a little cooling off time but still with an eye gently on her will help her see she needs her support network and to nip the personal insults in the bud.

I would tell her to stop being such a bitch.

You are not her enemy and her being jealous of your life isn’t going to improve hers.

I wouldn’t allow her being rude to me like this 1 1/2 days after her DH left her, let alone 1 1/2 years later!!

You have to call her out on her behaviour because it is absolutely not ok.

Stop letting her treat you like shit!

If you don’t like confrontation then just say something jokey like “did you get out of the wrong side of the bed today” or text her and say how her comment made you feel upset.

This isn’t a friendship if it’s only one way and if you have to tread on eggshells around her.