Friend is so bitter!

That was a horrible remark and there's just no excuse for it!

I don't know why everyone gets stunned into silence these days, because I'd have the perfect answer for her and it would either slap the bitterness out of her or end the whole friendship 😔

sorry, last sentence to be laughed at

What a nasty, jealous, reverse-snob post.
"Honestly, I bet she thought herself superior to everyone else, thinking she had it made. " That's total projection, you know nothing about her.

Have you tried repeating back to her the comments she makes? Verbatim with a slight questioning tone? She may not realise what she is saying but hearing it straight back might make her think…

I can see myself being jealous and bitter in a situation like this. I think a better way of handling it is to let your friends know that seeing them with their happy lives right now is just too hard, and that you don't want to cut contact forever but you just need some time away until you are feeling more resilient.

Although might that leave you lonely and isolated?

Honestly, I bet she thought herself superior to everyone else, thinking she had it made. Now that it's all crumbled she's revealing her true thoughts about her friends. Mental health issues/depression/etc magnifies underlying tendencies, that are masked in the good times. It doesn't create them
In any case her friends have to protect their own mental health whatever the cause of her negativity, they're not obligated to put up with it

Spot on. Completely agree. My friend's child died. There is literally nothing worse than that to happen to anyone.

She didnt go around calling people fat or insulting them or their kids. Your friend is simply a nasty person- you just havent seen that side of her before is all. Now the shit has hit the fan and she has revealed herself.

There is no way I'd be putting up with that. I've had many traumatic things happen in my life and I never once behaved like that, as have many other people.

I think it's important to recognise that she may well be extremely depressed, and depression can present as anger (and of course negativity). That's not to say that you have to accept her nasty behaviour, and certainly you could distance yourself. But for all the PPs saying things like she's 'revealing her true self', have a read of this
https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/why-depression-may-look-like-anger

It's unfortunate that she won't go to therapy or counselling.

Her whole life has been shattered by this, all her future dreams of a life with her partner, her confidence in herself as a good judge of character, her trust in people, having to see her young children suffer the break up and answer their questions and support them when she's feeling devastated herself, of course she's struggling, and 1.5 years is no time, when she's reminded of everything she has lost all around her.

Nail on the head. All too often I see cases with a "SAHP" who benefited from cleaners, gardeners and even nannies. That's not really a SAHP and the people supporting this kind of lifestyle tend to have a breaking point.

Hat tip to real SAHPs though.

your point of view valid also: now you see other suffering people and can share the load

@GhosterPoster anyway my original advice a few posts up was pull back for a year or so. I’m not saying she’s treating OP very well, but just to give her more time.

Until everyone’s housed and employed and the scale of change dies down she’s going to be unpredictable.

Au contraire while I don't condone cheating - it doesn't sound like their values were aligned. Sounds like he was going to leave anyway with or without someone else lined up. I'm not saying she is to blame or that he isn't a cheating POS but...

As PP have said few men will pay to keep a woman at home baking, gardening and whatnot. Most SAHM I know are incredibly busy, either caring for SEN children/elderly parents, or economising as much as possible. They don't have this much free time.

Honestly, I bet she thought herself superior to everyone else, thinking she had it made. Now that it's all crumbled she's revealing her true thoughts about her friends. Mental health issues/depression/etc magnifies underlying tendencies, that are masked in the good times. It doesn't create them.

In any case her friends have to protect their own mental health whatever the cause of her negativity, they're not obligated to put up with it.

Especially as her comments might have hit a nerve with other people. I for example struggle with my weight and being told I'm too fat would be an unforgivable blow. I'd have dropped her like a stone.

No, but I wasn’t facing the loss of my home or the terror of re-entering the job market. I still got drunk enough to throw up in the bathroom on one occasion which still makes me cringe.

I didn’t need single friends- indeed some of the best support I got was from married friends.

There was something uncanny about going into a group of couples I’d been in with him for nearly twenty years as a single person; possibly also as I knew some members would be seeing him.

I was biting my tongue about so much going on in my life ‘oh the hearing broke last week but I’d better not mention or he’ll say I’m an unfit mother’ ‘Oh I might get promoted but can’t say as he might cut maintenance etc etc’. Just exhausting!

Look- what has happened to her is awful and horrible, there is no doubt about that and its great you've been a kind and supportive friend.

BUT, and its a big but, its not ok for her to take out all her negativity and anger on you. Thats exactly what counselling is for - to be able to express all your emotions unfettered, so you can make sense of them and heal. Whilst a bit of frustration and jealousy is understandable, she is taking it way too far and actually being really bloody toxic to you.

It's not your fault this has happened to her and her pain wouldnt be diminished in any shape or form if you were single or in the same boat as her. My guess is- even if you were in the same situation as her, she'd find some way to make her suffering greater than yours anyway!

You need to have a kind word with her that this stops now or else you are pulling back. You dont have to be her emotional punchbag and we are ALL responsible for our own emotions and the effect they have on others.

Yes, of course you give friends a bit of leeway with this when they've been through a tough time but constantly making nasty undermining comments about you isnt taking her pain away, its just being nasty and perpetuating her suffering so it isnt even helping her.

I'd be kind but very honest - you are happy to support her as you are doing but the comments have to stop and dont just say it, mean it as well.

But did you ask any of them why they still were married as they were so fat, and say you felt sorry for their husbands?

I understand single people might want/need single friends, but there’s no need to shit on your coupled friends. It’s not their fault she’s divorced.

Not my experience….

OP are you and ‘the girls’ a group?

I had a group of friends and after I got divorced I couldn’t put my finger on it but I came away from our gatherings feeling a bit flat and odd. When there was alcohol I had too much. I’m fine with it now (9 years on!) but did step away.

My divorce was acrimonious and it also troubled me the other husbands were close- I felt I couldn’t relax and needed to be guarded about so much nonsense.

I don't know. You tell me.

I've never known of anyone ever describing a man as bitter, other than on this thread. Only women.

The first three years after a break up with kids are generally the worst, everything is still in flux.

I wouldn’t do anything dramatic but just pull back for a bit, it will all calm down.

Quite. People go through absolute tragedies and still manage not to be a total bitch to others.

Her mask has slipped when drunk and she's saying what she really thinks. The alcohol has loosened her tongue but those nasty thoughts were already in her head.

I can't believe you sat on the fence to be honest in the face of such nastiness. Your "fat" friend must feel so upset and let down.

What was she doing for the 15 odd years before she had her kids?

I don't think what you've described is normal behaviour of seperated/divorced women. I have been through similar twice and while I really do miss having the practical support of a partner, I really try not to compare myself with others and wouldn't dream of being so unpleasant to my friends.

Is it the drink? Is she saying this stuff when she's drunk?

OP I don’t envy you your position. Your friend sounds to me as if she is having a breakdown- understandably. Her world as she knows it is gone and unfortunately her remedy to it is to avoid it through alcohol and vitriol.

not sure if anyone has mentioned this but would it be possible to get her involved in some support groups for people struggling with their mental health. Sometimes it’s easier for Someone to chat in a group rather than one on one. Her nastiness is horrible to be subjected to - that’s not ok. I agree with pp - back off and if she asks why explain that you seem to be upsetting her. Her exdh is awful!! She sounds far too good for him.

i know one who left… to just not be with her! No one waiting in the wings.

My DP is very bitter about his ex and I tell him frequently how bitter he is. Bitterness is not reserved for women, nor is the terminology.

I hope you stuck up for your friend who she insulted?