Friend is so bitter!

It's ironic you're telling people to read OP's posts when OP's own subsequent posts to the one's you've quoted indicate that even she is a bit dubious about friend's sudden drip feed about her ex.

"It’s only since he left she told us some of the other things about him, I accept she may be ensuring we would stand by her"

"She also seemed very happily married. I never got the impression he was mean or controlling. He is/was a good father. I don’t know how this has happened tbh. They seemed very happy. It might have been for show, but she never once gave me cause to feel concerned."

"In the past she had been supremely happy with not working."

"She calls her life lovely, and things like perfect, not me, it was everything she has ever wanted."

As @PerkyPeachMaker said it's all a bit suspect. If someone was so keen to work they would have had a job straight after uni before things got serious with their DH and they had kids (the friend has children young enough for her parents to still be helping with them, so we're talking someone who graduated in the 2000s, not 1950), or taken the opportunity to finally do it at some point in the last 18 months, and, key, wouldn't still be moaning to her friends about how perfect her previous life was if she was apparently hugely dissatisfied with it!

Can you imagine anyone accepting abuse and other horrible behaviour from a man and people saying 'aww bless, poor chap #bekind'....

I’m not saying being mean to others is ok - it isn’t- but I do think she deserves some compassion and a little leeway.

She's had 18 months of compassion and a LOT of leeway. She can't have it forever at the expense of her friends.

I think it’s unfair to assume she considered herself superior etc. I think she considered herself safe and that safety has been obliterated. Shock, fright, grief, confusion and pain have become her normal now. I’m not saying being mean to others is ok - it isn’t- but I do think she deserves some compassion and a little leeway.

It doesn't matter whether she's having a nervous breakdown or not. At the minute you and the other friends are enabling her - she meets up with you all, gets drunk, spouts venom at at least one of you, and it makes her feel better about herself until the next time. It's make yourself feel better by putting others down. At some level she knows what she's doing. Somebody needs to be brave and tell her enough's enough and it's gone too far, and unless she wants to lose her friends as well as her husband she needs to back off with the nastiness.

Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

I'd keep DH well away from her. She may be trying to line him up as a replacement so that she can carry on her perfect life. Unlikely but what's more likely is that she'd love to drip things in his ear so that you two split up and then you'll be as miserable and angry as her. Odd as it sounds that would make her feel like she'd 'won'.

Constantly soaking up her punches isn't doing her any favours. Time for some tough love, just as you would with an addict.

I can also imagine if the OP and the group of friends were all too stunned to call out her nasty behaviours, they're not exactly going to question the validity of her claims.

I've just thought of a job your friend might like as she can work from home.

A friend does nails and eyebrows at home, I'm not sure how long she trained, but she is very very busy.

As an aside thought, I presume if her DH has a pension, she's going to get half of that? I'm guessing she probably doesn't get child benefits if her DH was a high earner though 🤔

Crikey, she was very lucky to live such a life of luxury as a lady who lunches.

Clearly, she was very comfortable and well supported financially. It's probably a huge shock to think that on top of everything else, she'll actually have to (gasp) work for a living...! Hope she's not going to give up at the first hurdle. Her children need her to support them no matter what.

What agree did she do at university, OP? She's obviously been very privileged and quite spoilt, which might even explain her reluctance to get a job.

What did her DH do as a career?

Earlier this year I “broke up” with a close friend. Her situation was very different, but she had been through some horrible stuff and been mistreated by family and others. I stuck by her trying to support her for many years before deciding I couldn’t take it anymore and had to walk away for the sake of my own family and mental health.

The sad truth is that you cannot help someone who won’t help themselves. You can move heaven and earth for someone, but if they refuse to engage with support it won’t make a difference.

There is one notable difference in that my friend would never apologise when she was horrible to me or other people. She would never acknowledge she’d done anything wrong. She was also stone cold sober when she was horrible. The fact that your friend has to some extent realised she’s been out of order and has apologised for it makes me think she’s not completely beyond help. I’d try a gentle approach first, but if that doesn’t work you really might as well go hard ball and tell her to get her act together, because if she carries on as she is your friendship is not going to survive anyway so you might as well try it. If you can’t get her to at least try then I strongly advise you to walk away. It’s really sad, but you can’t save her and you need to protect yourself.

that is terrible
i remember my own dm, herself a widow, having friends round for drinks, and in her house they made arrangements between them to go out again they were all in couples, without even inviting her! awful attitudes

She's only hurting herself with the bitterness. Her ex doesn't give a monkeys!

She can grieve, be angry, sad, bitter, what not. What she can't be is a cunt to other people.

I appreciate she is scared (she's on her own now and has to sort out her own shit and figure things out) but the cards she has been dealt are a helluva lot better than a lot of folks.

I say this as divorced, low-income single parent. She needs to sort her shit out!

It sounds to me like she wants others to suffer like she’s suffering - that, deep down, she’d love it if your husband left you as well. I think that’s where you must draw a line. Anger, depression, bitterness, etc, are forgiveable. But you can’t start lashing out at those who’re trying to help you. I guess we’re all prone to this. I mean wanting to pull others down with us when things go wrong, etc. But it’s a really ugly trait. If she can’t get on top of it, you have every right to back off. She obviously hates being pitied, and hates the sense of humiliation. To be honest, I wouldn’t trust her not to try and sabotage your life.

OP you have my sympathy. I think you nailed it when you said:

I care about her very much, and would like to still continue our friendship but I am not prepared to have another night like that.

You could say this to your friend - it’s factual, short and to the point. Your friend already had to apologise for her behaviour that night, so she knows something was off. Use that as a key example and say that actually this has been building for a while now.

Good luck!

I haven't seen any supporting evidence to show the OP's friend is telling the truth and I have heard accounts of what she is like that in my opinion makes it more likely than not that she is telling porkies.

Ask yourself another question. If she was so repressed and not allowed to work, why 18 months after the split has she still not even started looking for work?

@Un4732 exactly. There's a difference between spewing hatred towards the world in general/your disgusting ex. And making personal attacks on your own friends, who are trying to help!

@echt Why would the OP have questioned it? She's like and trusted her friend until now. And could never have predicted she'd behave like this.
How well does she even know her really if at all.

Once again depression/alcohol/whatever doesn't create thoughts that didn't exist. Everything friend is spewing is thoughts that she has always had. She's just not said them out loud.

Obviously if she did she'd have been friendless a long time ago...

So sorry, sounds like she is still suffering from the shock of it.

I am widowed and have recently been feeling envious of a friend, because she still has her husband. It is very difficult being alone. I recently did an event with this friend, and overheard her speaking to the woman of another couple, asking her what time they were meeting for the cinema. It wouldn't occur to her to invite me too, because I am alone.

Sorry! Be a Friend, not a fiend!!

Op, only really read your posts, but I want to draw attention to the children here. My mother was and is an alcoholic. It was and is awful. As a child, no one realised what I was going through. Suggesting you “step back” etc is great for you but the children WILL be suffering even if they smile and pretend everything is ok. You don’t even like one evening with her these days. What to do about it? I don’t know, but she needs to address her alcoholism. Furthermore, eating disorders are catching, especially when modelled by the mother. Sadly, I’m speaking from experience there too. Do keep encouraging her to go to counselling, call her out on her drinking, make yourself available for the kids perhaps, or somehow be a guardian or fiend to them …and ask them how they are. That’s someone no one ever asked me growing up. And keep asking them, since I’d likely have said nothing. For all sorts of reasons, including shame.

Right, so this woman's horrible, bitchy venomous personal attacks are to be expected and 'awww poor her' and not putting up with it, and emotionally protecting yourself is the 'cold and cruel' action??
NOT asking someone why their husband hasn't left them as they're so fat?!!

Yes we can all understand why she behaves as she does. It’s not acceptable however, you don’t have to put up with it. Talk frankly with her and leave the ball in her court. Does she want to loose more support? If she carries on this way you have no choice but to pull away.

I've read all the OP's posts, which is what counts, notably the one about what went on behind closed doors. The OP has not questioned this so not quite getting all the speculation about what "really" happened.

I wouldn't personally tolerate this behaviour after one and a half years. I would definitely be giving her some tough love and say everyone's sick of this even if she bit my head off.
She is so very lucky having lovely friends and supportive family, when my husband left I had absolutely nobody and had to live on my wits.
She needs to think about a career too. There is no reason why she can't go to university, I went at 45 and trained to be a podiatrist and have a great career now. A job or a plan will give her something to live for.
Going along with her behaviour is not kind, she will just get stuck in a permanent rut.
I needed a friend to give me some sharp words when I went through the menopause, I was a bloody mess and after that I went onto HRT and calmed down.

As several PP have already pointed out multiple times, we don't know if this is true. Points against:
a) He fell for a colleague - so clearly working women attract him
b) She not only hasn't made an effort to find a job in 18 months but has never worked since university
c) Spends her time indulging in her hobbies painting/gardening/baking and being a very happy SAHM.

FYI, although trophy wives/status symbols don't work, it's very uncommon for them to do nothing outside the home. They usually do at least charitable work or have their own hobby businesses.

Maybe your friend was always this mean/jealous but because she was top dog in the group, and felt she was better than you all - she was nice and calm. I went through a divorce and for many years my lifestyle was far less than my friends, and I dropped behind them considerably. I was upset at the world and felt sorry for myself and occasionally wished i had a friend's life - but I never took it out on my friends. Nor did I feel bitter or angry towards them - they were my lifeline so I felt grateful to them and they reminded me that good people do exist and i wasn't that unlovable if they loved me.

Your friend's got much deeper seated issues than just her DH leaving. I suspect she's always felt entitled to her lifestyle and without her DH's backing she doesn't have it, and can't fathom that other people still might. I don't think she'll ever go back to the person you knew sadly. Not without a LOT of therapy. But she probably thinks she's too good for therapy too.

I would start distancing myself and just observing. If she lacks self awareness, it's a lost cause. If she realises what's happening and makes an effort to change, there's hope but it will still take time.