Friend is so bitter!

Events have overtaken this thread somewhat. Last night we found out that my friend’s dh is in fact engaged to be married as of Saturday, and they are expecting their first child next year. Despite the fact the divorce has not even been finalised yet.

My friend has unraveled, mainly because again he has blindsided her. He told the children before telling her, and now she has to listen to her dds excitedly talking about bridesmaid dresses and a baby sister. They seem oblivious at least.

There is no way I am going to be able to talk to her now, we spent all evening comforting her last night. This is a low blow. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

😞

Yes that's not going to work if the divorce is not yet final!

Events have overtaken this thread somewhat. Last night we found out that my friend’s dh is in fact engaged to be married as of Saturday, and they are expecting their first child next year. Despite the fact the divorce has not even been finalised yet.

My friend has unraveled, mainly because again he has blindsided her. He told the children before telling her, and now she has to listen to her dds excitedly talking about bridesmaid dresses and a baby sister. They seem oblivious at least.

There is no way I am going to be able to talk to her now, we spent all evening comforting her last night. This is a low blow. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

😞

Sadly I agree. That would drive me nuts if I was out working all day and someone was faffing around the house all day painting and gardening, especially if thats all they had done for over 20 years. I would imagine their lives were completely different. Hers very small and his at work, meeting different people with different things happening every day. I also wonder how much he was on board with this ( clearly not as he's run off with someone at work). He could have had an affair if he was fine with having a housewife at home presumably doing all the childcare, cooking and cleaning, and had the best of both worlds as many men do, but he left.

The betrayal, sudden change, and forcing of her hand into work must be dreadfully overwhelming. No wonder she is so angry and distraught. I'd have had 3 breakdowns by now!
Well yes the betrayal is awful, however I don't understand the 'forcing of her hand into work' I have no sympathy here, how can anyone in today's climate, in fact the last 70 odd years be shocked that in order to have an income, you might need to work?!

That certainly doesn't sound like someone who was forced not to work. That sounds like someone who never wanted to be in employment and always wanted to stay at home with the children. That's now going to be taken away from her because she will have to get a job to mitigate her circumstances and that's why she's bitter.

The trouble is that you can say someone like this "tried hard" but in the 21st century there just aren't that many people who are happy to carry the entire financial load whilst the other gets the lion's share of time with the children. It's really old fashioned and it's not what husbands want to do anymore. It could well be the reason he found a colleague more interesting to be with. Sorry, I know it's harsh, but that tends to be the truth of it nowadays.

I’m not saying being mean to others is ok - it isn’t- but I do think she deserves some compassion and a little leeway.

She's had 18 months of compassion and a LOT of leeway. She can't have it forever at the expense of her friends.

Ah that's interesting, thanks, I must have that turned off, I only get emails after I have reported something

I wouldn’t underestimate the trauma she’s experienced. Everything has changed for her. She’s never worked, has never experienced a break up before.

Apologies if I’ve missed this but is she in counselling? It sounds like she badly needs talk through her pain with someone who won’t be hurt by her expressions of anger and bitterness. Honestly this is way too big for you to deal with, she sounds very fragile mentally.

I wouldn’t underestimate the trauma she’s experienced. Everything has changed for her. She’s never worked, has never experienced a break up before.

Apologies if I’ve missed this but is she in counselling? It sounds like she badly needs talk through her pain with someone who won’t be hurt by her expressions of anger and bitterness. Honestly this is way too big for you to deal with, she sounds very fragile mentally.

OP I was the bitter one if I'm honest. My perfect life was blown up.

God only knows how my friends put up with me but they did - they must have listened to HOURS of all this bitterness and hate coming out (I apologise a lot for this!). 18 months is not long to adjust to a new life, betrayal and all the upheaval. Throw in a hideous divorce and all the legal wrangling - sheesh - poor woman.

It's been 6 years for me and I say it's only in the last 2 I'm back to myself. It's come with indifference to the situation - my life moved on (for the better - never thought I'd say that) and when things settle for your friend and she carves her new life, which hopefully will be better, you'll have her back and she'll be stronger.

All this back away, distance yourself advice...very cold and cruel - probably ones that have never had to go through it. It is arduous but I'm now there for two of my friends that are going through separation and i will be there no matter what and listen to all the hate because I know that's what's needed to process it all.

Unless you have told them you don't want such emails, Mumsnet will email you daily and tell you who gave thanks to which of your posts.

How do you know who gave thanks?

Hopefully the OP doesn't mind me saying that she also gave thanks on my post questioning whether her friend was telling the truth about her ex-husband.

It's ironic you're telling people to read OP's posts when OP's own subsequent posts to the one's you've quoted indicate that even she is a bit dubious about friend's sudden drip feed about her ex.

"It’s only since he left she told us some of the other things about him, I accept she may be ensuring we would stand by her"

"She also seemed very happily married. I never got the impression he was mean or controlling. He is/was a good father. I don’t know how this has happened tbh. They seemed very happy. It might have been for show, but she never once gave me cause to feel concerned."

"In the past she had been supremely happy with not working."

"She calls her life lovely, and things like perfect, not me, it was everything she has ever wanted."

As @PerkyPeachMaker said it's all a bit suspect. If someone was so keen to work they would have had a job straight after uni before things got serious with their DH and they had kids (the friend has children young enough for her parents to still be helping with them, so we're talking someone who graduated in the 2000s, not 1950), or taken the opportunity to finally do it at some point in the last 18 months, and, key, wouldn't still be moaning to her friends about how perfect her previous life was if she was apparently hugely dissatisfied with it!