Friend is so bitter!

How are you and your friend OP? It’s so difficult for you all. I hope things have eased a little. Was just thinking of you all this morning whe. I was planning for Christmas. This will be a tough time of year for her especially and for you and her other friends worrying about her.

I feel sad for your friend. I pity your position too so hard. Sending love.

She's lucky that she has such loving and understanding f&f but after 18 months she must find help to make her way forward, and channel that anger, take responsibility for herself and take action to address her work and financial situation. If she doesn't, you will be carrying her financially as her landlord -assume she's unable to pay her bills? - and emotionally as a friend forever. Are you prepared for that?

Late MIL never moved out of her anger, bitterness and pettiness towards her exhusband (who was an unfaithful, feckless idiot tbf). It tainted their DC and wider family for nearly 50 effing years post divorce. When organising DC weddings/her funeral there were arguments as to which family members should be invited as they had "taken his side".

An argument takes two people. One person can't argue on their own. If, after you've said your piece, she lays into you, you say, "This is an example of what I was talking about", then you turn and walk away. And absolutely refuse to engage in any argument. I never argue. I'm happy to "discuss" problems, calmly, and rationally. But I won't argue. It gets you nowhere. It's only natural that's she's going to be angry and bitter about how her life has changed. It's also natural that you and her other friends are bearing the brunt of it (those closest do tend be). However, there comes a time when you need to look after yourself. This has been going on for 18 months. It's making you miserable and it's not helping your friend move forward. You need to step back for your own sanity. There's a good chance the friendship, as it was, is over anyway. It's extremely difficult for a newly single person to maintain the same friendship with a group of couples that they used to have when they were one of a similar couple, not least because they will often feel like the the odd one out, the "third wheel". Some of the other partners will sometimes look on them as a "threat" as well. Plus, their life experiences are now completely different. You can empathise but you'll never fully understand how she feels, whilst she'll always feel a little resentful that you still have the life she once had. If every contact with her ends with you feeling like her punchbag, it's time to say "bye bye for now".

You need to pull her up on any comments she makes about your lifestyle as and when they occur by saying something like: "I'm your friend - not the cause of your unhappiness, so please don't take your anger out on me, I'm trying to support you emotionally but I won't allow you to inflict hurtful comments on me as I have feelings too" - or something along those lines.

I think it is fairer to be upfront with her rather that just distance yourself, as it will make her realise her behaviour is out of order and hopefully she will use it as an opportunity to apologise and start taking responsibility for herself. If it sparks a big row, then so be it - if she is any kind of friend to you she will reflect on all you've said and stop treating you so badly, and stop feeling so sorry for herself and get on with her life, job or no job.

She sounds unpleasant. she seems to think being slim and beautiful makes her more deserving of a faithful husband and a happy marriage. I think this is the real her

I was thinking exactly this! It makes me wonder if this is what she was like with her DH and perhaps the reason for his departure. You never know what goes on behind closed doors and perhaps her perfect life enabled her to mask her true personality in public, whilst her DH bore the brunt of it all behind closed doors. I would just very calmly suggest to her that for your own mental well-being you think it best that you take a step back from her as it's upsetting to be spoken to when all you are doing is trying to be supportive. Her comment to your "fat "friend is appalling.

Wow I don’t envy you!! Sounds torturous, especially the tenant situation. Unfortunately it’s usually easy to dish out good advice here, when we have no emotional connection to the situation. It’s much harder to actually implement it when you’re in the thick of it.

She is in victim mode. I am slowly distancing myself from her, but it's difficult as she's my tenant (lives on my property). And her financial situation is dire, so I can't morally give her notice.

It's entirely a problem of my own making. I was warned by Mumsnet a year or so ago to separate my life from hers and I didn't listen 🙄

If she can’t even say sorry she’s not trying very hard imo.

Not really, but I can see she is trying very hard to be kinder.

That poor woman! Her exh sounds awful. So disrespectful. From what op has written he wants to twist the knife in...telling the kids before telling her. Jeez.

Yes, this lady is terrified and her life feels out of control. She needs counselling - something that gets said a lot on MN, but in this case this is not just a throw away comment. She needs help to navigate her new life.

I understand her emotional state. I would feel the same. But you are not required to be her punching bag. I would back off from her but make sure you explain to her why. I would also make her seeking counselling a requirement for an ongoing friendship / communication.

She sounds beyond the normal levels of bitterness. You need to step back for your own sake - you've been a fantastically supportive friend but she's not your responsibility. She needs to get a grip...& a bloody job!

Couldn't agree with these statements more.

Both spell it out.
This is who she is and always has been, but life has prevented it being revealed.

I would have been long gone.
She really isn't a nice person.
Her vicious nasty weight comment is the perfect final straw.
She hasn't an ounce of respect for herself or her friends.

Spot on. You never really know people’s true characters until they are put under pressure. I strongly suspect the husband knew who she really was. Now you’re all finding out. The spiteful comment to your friend is very telling. Her mind must be a vile place to have even had that thought never mind to have let it out. I’d drop her without any guilt after that.

It’s understandably a very difficult, sad time for your friend and her anger is justified (part of the mourning stage of loss) as it will enable her to push away from the situation but in time (the shorter the better) she has to let go of the anger because it only affects one person and one person only and that is the angry person themselves and possibly the dc which is simply not fair - the rest of the world including you and her other friends will naturally turned their back on her so the sooner she learns to get rid of the anger the better and then her life will naturally turn around and she will meet the man of her dreams but ONLY if she gets rid of the anger which I am sure she will. If you smile, the world smiles with you😊. I hope she does and in the meantime look after yourself whilst giving her a listening ear when you can. Life is unfair and until we realise this, we can never heal ourselves!

See her as little as possible- what has happened to her is not your fault , but clearly she is jealous you still have what she had.
It's tough but she needs to accept it- otherwise she cannot move forward, she also needs to understand she cannot take out her frustrations on her friends, and keep them. Even if you take it on the chin, and let her trample you, it won't help her - so stand aside and let her get on with it for a while.

Not being funny, but if she’s like this around her friends, I’d be a bit worried what she’s saying to the kids!

They divorced 35 years ago, it went all the way to court where my 47 year old mother had her arse handed to her on a plate by the judge. She was told as a healthy woman with no dependent children (we were all over 18) there was no reason why she couldn't support herself, and even though my two brothers were still living in the family home, as adults they would have to find their own accommodations and the house was to be sold immediately. The financial split was 50/50, but my mother had run up a huge credit card debit in my father's name after he left. He could prove he'd never had the actual physical card to make purchases on, so that amount was deducted from her share. She had honestly expected my father to pay the remaining 20 years mortgage on a house he wouldn't be living in.

Your dear friend has had a hard time. Fortunately, you and others have been exceptionally kind, supportive and helpful. Her ongoing negative and ‘woe-is me’ attitude is unkind to you and to herself. How we think and how we behave influences the life we lead. I would not choose to be friends with this person anymore. They need to move on, show gratitude, stop being jealous and to stop dumping and displacing on you. Her negativity is like a millstone.

Too many signs of Narcissism. I doubt I could unsee it, so I'd be outta' there!
There's often grandiose but parasitic lifestyles, bitter resentment towards those who "have it better", sense of entitlement for the spoils of a successful life (disproportionate to own contribution) , love of boheme, fear of appearing ordinary, grudges that get carried a long time and thirst for vengeance, the scathing comments seemingly out of nowhere to cut someone else down a notch.. She's also throwing a tantrum because everyone and their pig has the life that only she deserves (because she's better than everyone else!).
Narcissists are absolutely charming whilst everything is going their way... But try and say "no" to one and the real deal comes out. This is her.

Or maybe I'm wrong and she's just...a filter-less, bitter and rude human being. If that makes it better.
She is being emotionally abusive towards her friends and I would never seek to excuse that with grief, stress or worry - same as in any other form of relationship.

I hope he doesn't have to. I've always thought if I was one of those men that I'd be okay doing it for a couple of years but I wouldn't see the point of working much if it was for longer.

My mother was the person doing this. After my father left, she insisted (still insists) that he 'stopped' her from going out to work. I've been no contact with my father since he left - for my own personal reasons - so I have no way of confirming if this is true. I am 99.9% certain that it is not, as I have discovered my mother had/has lied about a lot that happened in my childhood.

She has stated numerous times since that she expected my father to financially support her for the rest of her life, as she'd had had his children (children he never actually wanted in the first place...)