Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight

Does she have anxiety about the kids getting hurt or you two dying in other ways, or is it just this?

If it's just this I agree with taking the fear of flying course. The only way to treat a phobia is exposure to it, so taking lots of flights. This is what I did, but probably doing the course beforehand would help - heard lots of good things about it.

If it's anxiety about all kinds of things, she would be better off looking into more general anxiety treatments.

I don't think she has anxiety or a phobia.

She doesn't have a fear of flying as she flies happily at other times.

If she's worried about leaving her kids orphaned it's quite unusual and irrational in the first place, but particularly unusual for her to have only thought of it after flights and tickets had been booked. If she really has anxiety along those lines she should seek professional help because taken to its logical extreme that can start affecting every aspect of her life.

Seems a strange mindset to me. She doesn’t mind the plane crashing as long as the kids are on it too? Sounds like an excuse to me - she doesn’t want to leave the kids would be my guess.

That's not the point. She agreed the trip, then brought up the issue. He's not pushing her beyond her comfort limits as he quite clearly says he realises he can't put pressure on her to do what she doesn't want to do. He feels disappointed which I think is valid.

I don't think that telling a woman with anxiety she's 1000 more times likely to die in a car is a great idea tbh.

I highly recommend the BA fear of flying course. I did it 30 years ago and have been fine on flights and tube trains ever since.

Have you told her how much more likely you are to die in the car together than on a plane together? (AI tells me it's 1,000 times).

Anxiety is a horrible thing, and we can't really control what form it will take.

Althoygh her reasons are logical, she doesn't really want both of you so far away from the kids, and she doesn't want something awful to happen to you both, leaving the kids with no parents.

I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship, it's not an easy thing to overcome, but you can't expect your wife to understand the mental repercussions of your anxiety around that, when you're not understanding of her anxiety either.

The best route here would be for you to both discuss how you're feeling, with no blame towards the other, and try and come up with a plan and comprimises for the future. If you don't discuss it properly then you're just going to quietly resent each other, and that's a shitty way to live.

I'd be upset as well OP and I'd be asking more questions, there's more to it than fear of flying.

I have a friend who refuses to go away on her own with her DH, used the kids as an excuse for years, they both went off to uni and she still made excuses. Didn't want to be out of the country in case they needed her. It was madness.

She confided in me that it was due to pressure from him for sex when they're away, he expected it to be like a second honeymoon and she didn't.

Doesnt BA run a fear of flying course? I think so. Could she try that?

I’d be seriously pissed off. Is she being treated for anxiety/ phobias- if not I think she needs help. This is not normal at all.

And yes can’t she catch the train instead in the interim.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick very clever but you actually can't pester someone out of a phobia like that.

Yes this is very common thinking and hoping you can before recognising yiu cant

and if your reaction to her fear is family cover and insurance don’t you think that makes her feel unloved and unheard

@AConcernedCitizen piss off, people with phobias don't need to "grow up," they certainly don't need to grow up in order to more efficiently poison the planet for leisure travel.

OP she probably feels unloved too because you don't seem to care much about her feelings, just your own regarding being "let down." She clearly doesn't want to go for whatever reason, might be worth thinking about why.

Anxiety is a funny thing sometimes you think you can do things sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t it isn’t always rational or logical so trying to apply those to a situation can be tough

and you can’t put the abusive relationship where you were let down on her

can you drive or take the train DS is v anxious flier but finds the eurotunnel mich better

He didn't push her beyond her comfort limits. She didn't bring this up until after he'd booked the tickets and made the arrangements.

Have you never agreed to something and then felt sick or panicked about it?

Can she take a separate flight - maybe change the flight to a few hours later so you minimise the cost of changing and you can keep the rest of the holiday?

I know a couple who travel together for business a lot and they fly separately for that reason.

It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken

Yes, from this there definitely seem to be deeper issues at play here rather than just the flight. OP also says they feel "unloved" so I think there's more to unpack.

If she's so anxious about flying the time to have refused was before money had been spent on flights, tickets etc. Out of order to bail for no good reason when none of that is refundable.

OP I would see if any friend wants to join you. Or even meet fellow fans of the artist in the city you're going to.

He didn't push her beyond her comfort limits. She didn't bring this up until after he'd booked the tickets and made the arrangements.

OP I'd go with a friend or sibling. I'm not surprised you feel let down. And she should get some kind of professional help.

I like travelling by train, when it works.

But some journeys to Europe are just impractical. I was planing a trip to Hamburg (so not central, southern or eastern Europe), looked at going by train - 13 hours there, 13 hours back, 3 changes of train each way including having to cross London, return ticket at least £350.

Eurostar. A fear of flying is very common and nothing to be ashamed of.
To those calling her childish, the fact she can mask her fear with the children so as not to give them the same phobias shows maturity to me, not immaturity.
Bit naive to think making her fly there and back feeling the way she does was going to be a nice time together. She was only going to dread the whole thing, not feel excited, and even when there in the 24 hours before the return flight she wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself.
Rearrange so she doesn’t have to fly or go with a friend and then spend some time with her doing something she can enjoy, not just you.

ETA: agree with the PP about the “it’s okay if we die, we have insurance so the kids will be fine” thing. I read that part like WTAF?! Pretty sure the kids would rather have their mum than a pile of cash ffs, and as a mum the thought of not seeing my children grow up, maybe marry, have kids of their own etc. brings actual tears to my eyes.

This doesn't seem to be about her fear of flying so much as her not wanting you both to travel outside of the U.K. without the kids. I don't think that's actually unreasonable.

I think this 'She says it's because she's afraid that if we die on the flight they will be left on their own (despite family being available and plenty of insurance cover).' is trivialising a genuine concern...wtf? Like an auntie or grandparent and a pile of dosh would in any way make up for losing your parents while they went off to a gig?

I don't think YABU to feel let down and disappointed but tbh seems like the situation is somewhat of your own making, that you pushed her beyond her comfort limits.

Eurostar is great if you live in the south east of England, less so if you're in Scotland etc.

Yeah if you're within easy reach of London get the train! We live in Cornwall and still prefer to take the train to Europe if possible, always remarking it would be a doddle from anywhere within the Home Counties.

Otherwise, go with a friend or sibling.

Get the train is an option if you live within easy reach of London and the gig is in Brussels/Paris. Not so much of an option if you live in Aberdeen or Belfast and the gig is in Madrid or Rome.

And besides, getting the train is pandering to the anxiety about flying which is irrational.

I'm a terrible air passenger. It terrifies me that I'm not in control and if something goes wrong it's likely to be pretty major, despite being t being the safest way to travel.

I flew without my DC for the first time when they were 10 and 12. I was a mess. I even had my will written up at the solicitors beforehand and wrote down a comprehensive list of my finances etc for my parents should anything have happened.

It's a real fear, however ridiculous it sounds.

But there are other ways to get to Europe op, can you investigate driving/train/ferry?