Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight

Not spending a night away until DC are financially independent is batshit.

Can you take a mate with you?

YABU anxiety isn't rational.

Take one of your teenagers?

The options are

1. take the train - brussels, amsterdam, cologne, paris, even barcelona and zurich are easy by train from London
2. if her specific fear is that you both die in the same plane crash, then take different flights to the same location. so you take easyjet and she takes BA or whatever.
3. take someone else with you to the gig.

Leave a day earlier and take alternate transportation.

For the future, consider that the best couple’s getaways involve little to no travel at all. DH and I discovered that wasting time in a car or on an airplane was hours we could just be relaxing and enjoying time together. We get a sitter and book a nice hotel in our city and do things locally we wouldn’t do with a child.

Get your DW to read this book It has made flying 75% better for me. I have a couple of glasses of wine and it is now bearable. I hadn't flown for 15 years and it was getting out of hand.

yeah this is weird, as is the financially independent thing. What does that mean, exactly? Lots of people can't afford to move out from their parents home and live independently until their mid twenties or even later nowadays!

"can you get the train" is going to be the new "cancel the cheque." Even if OP hadn't already confirmed it's a no go, we don't all live in the south either. It can take most of a day just to get to Paris by rail from lots of the UK, let alone potentially anywhere in 'Europe.'

How's it a phobia if she can fly with the kids present? Seems rather selective...

YANBU. Either look at trains or find someone else to go with you...

Take someone else. She clearly doesn't want to go and she is being selfish. Even if train was an option it makes no sense as she would still have the same issues. Maybe she genuinely is anxious in which case she would agree to be treated for it. But honestly i think if she isn't open to treatment, then the flying anxiety is just an excuse and it seems like she doesn't see a future for you as a couple at all. Saying children must be financially secure is so irrational i dont know what to say. Couples therapy might help maybe? I'm sorry OP I feel this is much bigger than the gig.

That’s a great idea @DelphiniumBlue ! Take your eldest with you!

You say your DC are teens, so take the oldest one with you.
I think DW is being unreasonable, given she agreed and it is only after substantial costs have been incurred that she is now saying she doesn't want to go. Has she explained why she agreed to go in the first place? If she has cancelled things a few times, are you ignoring her reluctance and hoping that she'll agree? If she is sincerely apologetic about letting you down, then maybe you can find a way forward, take one of the DC or a friend with you and move on. But bear it in mind for future plans.
It's not the end of the world to forgo holidays abroad without the DC until they are older.. many of us lack either the finances or the childcare to do this anyway. I don't think DH and I ever went abroad without the DC until the youngest was about 15 and happy to be left in the care of his older siblings. There are plenty of places to visit in the UK if you want a few days away without children, and it sounds as if your wife would be more comfortable with that.

She doesn't want to leave the (teenage!) kids to go anywhere until they're financially independent? So, realistically, early twenties at the earliest?

That's ludicrous. That needs a serious talk, because yes, it absolutely smacks of avoiding alone time with you, and with fairly flimsy excuses to boot.

So if she were to die in an air crash, she’d want her children to die too? Rather than have them safe and welll at home? What a strange attitude.

You’d not go anywhere without your kids? Like, ever?

The two of you really need to sit down together and have a conversation about this
"It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken."

If it is the case, then the concert and travel tickets are the least of your problems. Bring it out into the open.

I would go without my kids either, plenty of time to go away without them when they no longer want to holiday with u.

So is it actually about flying or about leaving the kids in general?

It only sounds like a phobia when she decides it’s one, and she could’ve said all this before it was booked and paid for.

Personally OP I’d be really annoyed if my partner did this, it’s the fact she’s let you book if all before announcing it I’d be annoyed about, if she doesn’t want to fly fine, but don’t let someone book an entire trip before speaking up.

What’s her reason she didn’t bother to mention this when you suggested it or once she knew you were confirming it?

I agree with @Voltefarce Fears such as fear of flying are illogical, but feel very real to the person suffering and logic doesn’t make you feel any better. Of course, people know the statistics, but something agreed to when it was some distance away in time, becomes impossible the closer you get.

If there’s a book or fear of flying course though, it may be helpful.

also he should as well because he too is projecting his own issues from what must be a relationship over a decade ago

and this anxiety by and large doesn’t need to be an issue if not pushed his feelings of being unloved and resentment need to be addressed just as much

Fear of flying is awful. I have been in many actually dangerous situations in my life, and developed fear of flying at around 30 ish (before I had been perfectly fine). I once just didn’t go on a weekend away because I couldn’t face getting on the plane. Other weekends would be spoilt, as I’d just spend all the time in whatever place we’d flown to thinking about the flight home.

The thing that solved it for me was a book and app called “Soar”, which was written by a former pilot. It completely fixed the fear (and if I feel a wobble now, I just re-read it).

She should seek some help for her anxieties as its unfair to you and your relationship

Take the train, or take different flights. I understand the fear of dying and leaving DC alone!

What's the gig? Did she actually want to go or was it more your thing and now is having second thoughts? I get her fear of flying and it does ebb and flow depending on what else is going on in life. Can you take a friend instead of her?