To not want my parents alone at Christmas

…..are you sure the relationship will make it until Christmas Day?! Christmas is a stressful time of year (and most of the stress/organising and planning falls on women) so I would say there are a few options.

1. remind twat DH that as the person who is choosing,buying,wrapping all presents, cooking the Xmas dinner and everything else that goes with Xmas YOU get to ensure that YOU are happy on Xmas day. So, you will be inviting your parents for dinner and if he doesn’t like it then he is welcome to go and have dinner/move in with his parents.
2. compromise. DH wanted all parents over in the morning to watch kids open presents (you didn’t) and you wanted your parents over for dinner (he doesn’t) …so the compromise is his parents come in the morning then go home and your parents then come over for dinner
3. Plan separate Christmas’s as he is a tit and you won’t be together

OP - I don’t think any of this is about Christmas. In some ways, you’re both being unreasonable - your husband could compromise and you could stop making a fuss about your adult parents being alone when they’ll actually have each other. It’s only a day, there’s no need for so much drama.
However, I think the real issue is that your marriage is over. You are fed up with your husband so you have no tolerance left to compromise or make things work. Sometimes, it’s these seemingly small things that make us realise that things are over. Does that make any sense?
Think about your future - do you see your husband in it? Do you want to grow old with him?

It sounds like MIL and SIL are happy to spend Christmas together at MIL's house and aren't looking for a Christmas dinner invite? They refused an invite to yours and that's on them. Not sure why then it would be unfair to have your parents for dinner if they're happy to come.

My MIL, like yours, has always hosted Christmas dinner at her house for extended family. After our son was born, she expected us to join them but we decided to stay at home and she continued with her usual plans. ILs visited us in the morning then went on their way. My mum (widowed), sister and her husband came to us for dinner after having Christmas morning at home. Probably not everyone's first choice but everyone got to see everyone on the day and it worked out fine. MIL did still want us to go to them for Christmas dinner so we visited on the 27th instead.

You've suggested reasonable compromises and your husband had just decided its his way or nothing. Once I got married we alternated between families doing Xmas day with one set of parents and boxing day with the other. The year we bought our house and had our son I hosted my parents and grandfather for Christmas. The following year my mother and grandfather passed away. You never know how life will go so prioritise your family as a whole.

Why do your parents get cooked for by you, your brother and your in laws?

Why can't they have you all?

Why can't you go to your parents with the kids and leave DH to do whatever?

Absolutely hell no if my DH said my mum couldn’t come for Christmas (my mum is widowed). Considering you have a young child AND a baby I’m assuming he must have done something pretty bad for you to be on the verge of separation? If so I would not be pandering to him one bit. Just tell him what you’re intending to do and then he can make his own choice. Test the waters to see what a separation would look like.

I’d invite your parents, if I were you. You’re not going to enjoy Xmas much if you’re upset about your parents being alone.🤷‍♀️

Christmas is a time for families. Tell him to jog on. 🙂

This is why you have so many problems op, because he sounds very selfish and unkind.

Your entire post is all about what he wants. You are not being unreasonable. At all.

You could ask your parents if they actually mind being alone – the first year mine were (during Covid), they went all out with fancy food and champagne and watching all the telly they wanted and had a brilliant day together!

But agree with other PP – if he's going to be an ex soon, sod him. Invite your parents to spend it with you and the kids and if he doesn't like it, he can go to his parents instead.

Of course your parents want to be with their child and grandkids at Christmas and it would be bonkers to prevent this from happening just to appease your dick head husband

Thats an assumption. Why would two adults who have each other mind doing Christmas together? They aren’t alone.

I have 3 children and honesty I’m looking forward to quiet christmases to have a break and not stand on ceremony thinking about gifts eating dinner polite conversation.

What’s wrong with wanting Christmas your husbands way?

Parents see the kids opening gifts and they can just play.

Sounds like he's just trying to hurt you tbh. Do what you want because at this stage what's the mileage for you in doing what he wants? Doesn't sound like it'll win you any goodwill.

We can't all have the Christmas we dream of. I would love to have a Christmas day with all my children and grandchildren but they have parents in law and siblings with their own families, some of my children have to work so can't travel, DH chooses to be elsewhere so we have never had the sitting round the table for lunch.
I wanted Christmas morning to be just us (never actually got it - just me and them) so have encouraged that with my children when they had their own little ones.

There is nothing weird about some people wanting nuclear family Christmas, different people like different things and usually that means compromise if partners like different things. Does your DH get on with your parents?

Yanbu.

To keep it "fair" as he puts it you invite his parents the fact that they won't come as they like to host at home is their issue.

What about having a separate meal with them on Christmas Eve or boxing day? Your parents won't be around forever; do something that you won't regret years down the line by feeling like you didn't do right by them. I've learned that the hard way.

I think you’re absolutely right. A lot of people on mumsnet seem to have some weird thing about “nuclear family” Christmas. Of course your parents want to be with their child and grandkids at Christmas and it would be bonkers to prevent this from happening just to appease your dick head husband. If I was a granny I’d be really hurt to be told I wasn’t invited for Christmas just because my child wanted it to be “just them”.

There is absolutely no way I’d be leaving my parents just the two of them at Christmas. We host Christmas every year and have an “all welcome” policy so both sets of parents are invited. So far the in laws have not taken us up on the offer so every Christmas has been with my parents which is fine by me. I’d tell him to jog on.

You say you are on the brink - he has one last chance. Given that we still have about 6 weeks before Christmas, how do you feel the last chance is going?

How do you feel about Christmas without him? Relief? Light of spirit?

Maybe this is the last straw of the last chance and it’s time to let go.

Having Christmas dinner with your own family isn’t a lot to ask when you’re an adult with two children.

Your parents won’t be alone, they have each other and they’d see you in the morning.

Exactly. I don't see why that's some kind of problem. I can't get my head around all the rest of it.

@Belle04 , honestly this feels like a test coming from your husband to see how far he can control you. I would suggest that you spend the morning as a family then your parents come just before lunch, his parents and you SIL & BIL can be invited for the afternoon and evening. That would be ‘fair’ to his parents because they decline invites to the meal anyway because they want to do it themselves. If he won’t be having that tell him you’ll invite your parents all day then.
It all sounds very stressful.