To not want my parents alone at Christmas

I wouldn’t be leaving them on their own. I would point out you want to do what you suggested, it’s nothing to do with favouritism, your parents have had a tough year, as have you

They are coming, and if he doesn’t like it he is welcome to go to his parents

ducks in a row time I feel, why wait until Christmas if it’s not working?

Just squeeze everyone in, use folding chairs, or a bench one side of the table.

@Belle04 Have you actually told your parents about your impending separation?

And given them the choice over what to do?

How do you think they may feel when, with hindsight, they knew there was an atmosphere at Christmas and wondered why?

I think you need to be totally hones with them, tell them what's going on, what your DP wants to do and take it from there.

They are adults! They should have a choice in what goes on, but they need to know the whole story.

Actually, I think he has a point. This has been a tough year. You’re on the brink of separating. This may be the last one you have together as a family for your dc. I think if he’s requested a quiet one and you NEVER have a quiet one, it’s fair enough that you honour that this year.

We always host and have a big Christmas. This year, I have cancer. I’ve requested it just be us and Dh has cancelled everyone coming over for me.

Why not have Christmas morning and lunch and then you and dc go to your parents late afternoon into evening to do Christmas round 2? Dh can come or stay home and have a nap.

It wouldn’t sit well with me either. Just do what you want. If he’s in the last chance saloon he doesn’t get to dictate.

I think it depends how committed you are to saving the relationship. It sounds to me like you’ve already written it off, in which case see your DPs if you want to as it doesn’t really matter. But if you’re genuinely up for saving it, I think it’s worth a compromise - like @ChampaignSupernova said, it might be good to take the pressure off with just the 4 of you, and you can see your DPs on Boxing Day.

Visit your parents with the kids on Christmas morning, your son-to-be-ex husband can stay home cooking the dinner, the four of you then have Christmas dinner at home like he wants.

My betting is he won't want that either, as he will want you to do all the work for the Christmas he is insisting on having.

How old are they?

You say elderly yet you have a 3 year old so they can't be very, very old.

TBH I think there is far too much fuss about Christmas. It's one day out of 365.
If they live 30 mins away you can see each other any time you want to.

There is the faint possibility your parents might like to spend Christmas Day on their own together. My late DH always wanted to, but would give way to going to a large family party at DS or DGS' house. We would spend Boxing Day alone. I had promised we'd spend this Christmas Day just us, but as it happens DH isn't here anymore. I am glad he spent his last Christmas and New Year surrounded by family and friends, but he did so like Boxing Day, when it was just us.
As to your DH, invite your parents. He can go sulk in his tent.

If I was your parents and knew you were about to separate I'd want to stay well away from you.

I doubt they are elderly ( only 60s?) and can surely enjoy their day on their own?

You're making it all about you without asking what they prefer.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you are all trying to make this relationship work maybe Xmas day just you will be beneficial. You can host Xmas with your parents boxing day. It will be an awful day if you just invite them and they will know they aren't welcome. If the relationship is over then maybe sort out a child care arrangement over Xmas. He takes this kids to in laws am and you have them pm or vice versa or if he is willing then you have them Xmas day and he has them boxing day

Stand your ground.

I think the fact your marriage is holding on by a thread as it is, I'd tell him I was spending it with my parents. By the sounds of it, it won't be an issue next year anyway.
What sort of behaviour has led to this?

The other aspect is if it’s just 4 of you you’ll be exhausted and not enjoy it as presumably you’ll be sorting food and the children. Your mum and dad there means there’s someone to play with children while you check food.
There’s a reason divorce instructions peak in January a miserable Christmas is final straw. I’d say go with your gut. It’s weeks until Christmas so if you want to be with your mum be clear that’s happening.

It is fair - his parents will be with their daughter and your parents will be with their daughter.

Do you know how your parents would feel about seeing you and the grandchildren in the morning and then having dinner at their home? It may be that, as long as they see you at some point, they’ll be ok with that. But if not, do what suits you and them

I'd go with everyone coming round in the morning; or make room for 8 adults at dinner.

It's tit for tat to decide yours can come round for dinner but his can't.

If you're truly trying to make your marriage work, his suggestion isn't the worst - but it'd probably be easier with more adults around, and give everyone the family Christmas feel you are striving for.

If you're not, it'll be one last Christmas altogether before it all changes, and again, having more adults around will make it easier and less unpleasant.

I can see how he's got from you saying there isn't room for 8 adults for food towards visitors coming in the morning and then you having dinner as a four, to be honest.

There's probably a generational thing here too, though. Most of my friends are currently trying hard to convince parents/in-laws to make other plans so they can have dinner as a nuclear family.

I actually prefer the husbands idea. All family round in the morning during presents then a nice more chilled afternoon and dinner just the four of you.

Can always do a larger family meal the day before or after.

After all this could be your last Christmas the four is you as well. The last Christmas that although the children won’t remember there will be photos of them having a Christmas with both mum and dad together 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then you can have every Christmas with your mum and dad for dinner anyway some years with the children some without whole he has them.

He’s said absolutely not… that it isn’t fair on his parents

There is no "fair", there just is what there is. I can't believe how many people seem to be tracking contact hours with a spreadsheet and think there's some magic formula to be observed.

You can't invite people for Christmas morning then tell them to tuck off so you (and even worse they) can eat dinner alone. That's bizarre and rude. Your DH is being utterly selfish.

Do you want the marriage to work OP?

Sounds to me like he’s just thrown away his last chance being a miserable petty little tosser. Make your own plans op and spend it with people who truely love you.

I’d say ‘Listen up, Option 1, my parents are coming for dinner in the afternoon, you can stay and be pleasant like a normal, grown-up married man’.

Option 2, fuck off to your parents and go and have dinner with them.

You choose.