To not want my parents alone at Christmas

You're not unreasonable, you are being fair to all, or trying to. Tell him your parents won't be around forever and it won't hurt him to put himself out. I presume he likes them well enough and your three year old will be thoroughly spoiled by them, and by your in laws in the morning.

Have a good time.

'If you don't want to have your parents at yours for Christmas Day you clearly don't love and cherish them.' I didn't actually say that, Those are your words. You are confusing cause and effect. Or deliberately twisting my words to suit your agenda,

I said "if you don't cherish your parents, none of this applies" It was a caveat I put in because usually any post suggesting you think it is a good thing to be nice to a parent is met by a post saying that many people have narcissistic etc parents who have never done anything except be nasty to their children. If that is your relationship, then obviously don't feel obliged to worry about their Christmas Day.

Nothing, if that's what your family want to do. OP and her family don't want to do that.

Yes, families evolve, but evolution isn't always positive. "Families evolve" isn't a clinching argument.

@Oreyt maybe the adult DC are spending Christmas with in-laws or in their own family unit some years. Many people rotate years including one when they have a just us Christmas.

As a child we had grandparents stay or visit for Christmas. I loved it. Only when as an adult did I realise how it wasn’t quite so enjoyable for my DM, especially when it was the in-laws staying.

I can see why you're separating from your 'D'H. He sounds like a total dick.

YANBU.

I could have written this. Nice to see the family/DC on Christmas Day, but me and DH are perfectly happy with our own company. (And the cat!) We have loads of fun together. Roll out of bed around 10am, sit munching mince pies and pringles, and watching a Christmas film. Then we go for a walk, and to the pub for an hour, and then have our Christmas meal around 5pm.

Then I sit there at around 7pm at the dining table with a glass of port and some cheese and crackers and a jigsaw, just happily clicking away - whilst DH watches Die Hard or Coming To America. (This is on the occasions we don't go to visit our DC which has happened several times ... when they have gone away, or if they just want a Christmas Day on their own...)

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What an unpleasant post. Such mean, snide, passive-aggressive comments. 'If you don't want to have your parents at yours for Christmas Day you clearly don't love and cherish them.' FFS The silly grinning emoji at the end doesn't make your post any less rude and offensive.

Some people aren't understanding that for the OP's parents this isn't going to be a family Christmas full of games and jollity but a Christmas with a couple who now dislike each other and are probably separating. Not all families do games either, I thought they did but my husband's family dislike games and don't play them where as our side love them. Attitudes to alcohol and walks etc vary too. I agree older relatives often have unrealistic expectations about how excited a child is going to be about their particular present when there are so many and as a child I often just wanted to retreat to my bedroom with a favourite toy or annual. Baby's first Christmas isn't that exciting either, primary school aged kids enjoy it more

I assumed you were an only child from your earlier posts, but you have a brother! So why can’t your parents have dinner with your brother again like they’ve done in a previous year, and pop round to yours in the morning along with DH’s parents? That way they do get to see their grandchildren on Xmas day but your DH get his (not unreasonable) wish to just have the 4 of you for the meal.

I hated house fulls or travelling on Christmas as a child.

Hate the whole performance of having all the grannies and grandads and aunties and uncles staring at your face for the reaction as you open the present. The noise from so many people though at least auntys and uncles normally came with cousins granny and grandad just came with expectations.

And what's wrong with being cherished the day after & doing all the same things perhaps with less people. Nothing stays the same for ever. Families evolve.

One of my grown up children isn't married & usually works on Christmas day. The other one alternates between us & in-laws on the day. We have our day together on Boxing day. What's not to like. It works for us & we wouldn't change it.

To add while we have each other we are never alone. As I keep saying we love it on the days we spend it just the 2 of us .If that day comes our family would never leave us on our own on Christmas day & I'll never understand people who do that to elderly people living alone. We are in neither position,ie elderly or on our own & so far it works.

Parents see the kids opening gifts and they can just play. GPs like to see kids opening gifts too. And please don’t say “they’ve had their life”.

I bet the children would prefer that too. People vary. I loved the “big” (8 people) family Christmases, the noise, the silly team games with balloons, even though every second year I spent it in my aunt’s house not my own. DC loved having their grandad, and still come for Christmas Day in our home.

I’m not religious, but I take the “goodwill to all men” side seriously. It’s about me and my little family, but it’s also about the people dear to me, and I would not leave parents alone unless they wanted it. It’s not about whether they’re physically capable of cooking, it’s not about whether they can enjoy each other’s company, it’s whether they feel part of a family that cherishes them.

Of course, if you don’t cherish your parents, none of this applies

You have kids and grandkids but choose to spend Christmas Day alone?

That's ok for you but would be miserable for lots of others.

Do you have kids and grand kids?

(but as something for @Belle04 to consider, you definitely make a valid point)

@Belle04 may be worth discussing with your parents and making a plan sooner rather than later. It will mean you don't have to stress/stew over this for the next weeks leading up to Christmas. And you will also figure out whether the core of it is that you really don't want to spend Christmas with just your DH and children. In which case that says a whole lot about your relationship and what you probably ought to do long-term.

We love it too. We're very happy having a relaxing day together, even though we love having my grown up children here when we can.

But it doesn't sound like OP's parents necessarily do. A lot of people do really want to be with wider family on the day. Either way is perfectly valid.

Having read your previous comment, about him wishing cancer on you and his mother enabling him, I really don't think you should stay for the sake of your DC. Pretty soon your three-year-old is going to starting picking upon your DH's language and tone, even if they don't understand the meaning of the abuse. As someone who grew up with parents in the same dynamic, it's stressful, distressing and like living permanently on eggshells. As a PP said, your DC are young enough to adapt to a new normal very quickly and you will still have Christmas with them every year. Christmas is what you make it.

I feel sorry there are people who automatically assume all couples regardless of age feel 'alone' if they have Christmas day together without others around. DH & I absolutely love spending time with our children & young Grandchildren on Christmas day. We love it no less when we have the day together just the two of us. There will come a day when one of us will be on our own & of course we would always wish to be included on the day. Please don't assume people can't be happy spending the day together as a couple & worse using the expression ' left alone' We love it.

I think am with your parents visiting (sort out with your Mum what they are eating and maybe make their gift a hamper for Christmas lunch with everything M&S Prepped for 2 so it doesn't take 8hrs to cook, they go home for around 1 to sort their christmas lunch, you guys have yours at home on own and then over to MIL early evening for snackfest and games evening with the kids.

I spent around 8 years having MIL at ours meaning we couldn't go see my parents (around 2.5hrs away) they weren't ever on their own but I would have liked a couple with them before they passed away but we never managed it. We always saw them before - or I did with my daughter and one year we travelled to my brothers and he put us all up including MIL. But she didn't want to travel as she got older (died at 89) and struggled to get to us the last few years but wasn't really possible to stay with her in London - ended up doing a 2 hr down and 2 hr back trip to fetch her and drop her off, plus all the church requirements when she was here - wasn't our own. I like to go away just UK but we are staying home this year, daughter home briefly and she and I have booked a London Theatre experience and I will go and fetch her probably

If your husband doesn't want them there and he's as horrible as he sounds, he will make the whole thing super uncomfortable for everyone. If you are set against leaving him before Xmas, I'd find a solution together that works. Your parents are so close by that you can be super flexible - a half day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day... so many options. Your kids are tiny and won't know better so you can do gifts any day of the week and they'd be happy.

I don't think either of you are wrong about this - DH and I are immigrants so have only had two Christmases with his parents since our kids were born and we love our lazy days when it's just us so much. But of course if we were on the brink of divorce and he was abusive then that wouldn't be much fun.

Inherently I think he crossed the line and you should have left him long ago but that's a different issue...

Let's be generous and say that your MIL did not respond to your texts when the shit hit the fan because she didn't want to get involved in your marriage. Trying to involve her and her not having a bar of it, has obviously lead to total breakdown of your relationship with her, understandably. Also, awkward for your DH and you, is that his DM now knows all about your marriage issues. I'm guessing you may have also told your parents about the issues, so that perhaps explains why he's not keen to spend a long time with them on Christmas day, as he will and should be embarrassed about his behaviour, which was awful? So his plan is to avoid your parents as much as possible.
So you don't want to hang out with his parents, and he doesn't want to hang out with yours, and you both have understandable reasons as to why not. I think the only solution is for you to be with your parents, and him to be with his, after having the morning together.
In general though, you've been through a lot the past year - birth, a cancer scare. Far from him checking out and being unsupportive, he's actually wished you dead. That is extreme stuff and vitriolic, he actually doesn't like you at all and has absolutely no respect or care for you. Yet here you are since, trying to get over what he's said, and I don't know how you can.
I understand you are struck by fear of splitting with small DC's. Nobody ideally would want that. Given that the wish to part has been put forward by you, and it doesn't look like he is about to take charge and leave of his own accord, you have time to plan. Planning may help you to lessen fears and help you to feel you are actively doing something, rather than just feeling stuck.
So consider life going forward. Are you on mat leave? Will you be going back to work? Does a split seem more doable when your youngest has settled into nursery? How will the the assets be split etc.?
Meantime, I think some singular counselling for both of you, or at least you, would be helpful for you to work out where you are at with it all in you mind ( joint counselling not being recommended in abusive situations). Has he taken back what he's said? Apologised about a heat of the moment situation? Or does he blame you for what he said?

They are not "alone", OP - they have each other. Me and my husband have spent every Xmas just us two for 30+ years - I don't see what the issue is. At all.

Especially when parents are genuinely happy with this arrangement. If it isn't discussed how would you know.

I think if you are genuinely giving your marriage a go I would have the day for the four of you and see GP in the morning as proposed. You could invite GP for lunch on boxing day.

Which is more important your marriage or having your parents there?

If it's your parents then call a day before then on your marriage. It's not fair to any of you.